UPJOKE
billfoldpursepocketcashmoneypocketbookwalletcurrencydollarbanknotepaper moneycoin pursepennymonetaryyour pocket

If you are having trouble unlocking your front door, take out your wallet and arrange all the bills in mathematical order.

Because organizing your finances is key.

The good news is that you have enough cash in your wallet to last you for the rest of your life.

The bad news is, your wallet is empty.

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them

You would have a little book of why you're broke

What do you get when you fart on your wallet?

Gas money

What can you hunt for in the wild as well as in your wallet

A couple bucks

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

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My translation of a foreign joke:

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put it on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, p...

Husband and wife are out shopping

.
Wife: Honey, look what nice shoes I found! I just forgot my wallet ...
The husband is reaching for his, the wife is already happy.
- How many are these shoes? - he asks.
- 700.
The husband gives her 50 zlotys and says:
- Then take a cab and get your wallet.

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Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, ...

If you drop your wallet in San Francisco

kick it to San Jose, before you pick it up.

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times.

Finally, the bartender asks, "After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"

The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

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What does your GF & a condom have in common?

If they are not on your dick, they are in your wallet.

Whats the difference between a crack head and a meth head?

A crack head will steal your wallet. A meth head will steal your wallet and spend 20 minutes helping you find it.

Don't look out these blonds at the supermarket

WARNING!!! SCAM ALERT!!!



You may find superhot blonds on Walmart. They used to hang out around the big 24 hr Supermarket car park. When you are putting your shopping away, they ask you for a lift to McDonalds. They are very convincing and very hot!

Once in your car the Blonde o...

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A man walks into a store

A man walks into a store. The cashier sayes "Sir you will need to put a mask on". The man replies"Ouh shoot almost forgot, thanks". The man puts on the mask and pulls out a gun, and yells out "ALRIGHT EVERYONE HAND OVER YOUR WALLETS!"

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Hot Tip :

When someone yells pickpocket start searching for your wallet near your groin and exclaim" Thank God my wallet is safely tucked in between my testicles." The pickpocket will see this and assume that the wallet is there. These people usually have very supple and delicate hands so when they try to tak...

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Warning about pick pockets

At the local supermarket, two young women are standing at the parking lot exit, asking for a lift.

Shortly after leaving the parking lot, they will start undressing each other and making out, before one of them offers to give you a blow job, while the other steals your wallet.

It happe...

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A man pukes on himself in the bar. And says “Oh no what am I going to do? I promised my wife I wouldn’t get drunk here.”

The bartender sees him and says. “It’s ok man take $20 out of your wallet and put it in your shirt pocket. Tell her someone got sick on you and gave you some money for the inconvenience.”
The guy says thanks and walks home. Put money in his shirt pocket and leaves his clothes in the laundr...

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PUBLIC NOTICE FOR MEN: DO NOT GO ALONE WHEN BUYING GROCERIES. YOU MAY BE ROBBED.

Men of Reddit!

There is a new robbery trend out there targeting men. I think you all should be aware of the new technique they are using to rob us. I've been a victim!!!

This is how they do it: while you are putting your grocery bags in your car at the parking lot, three extremely sexy...

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Costco Parking Lot Advice

I noticed someone posted about a woman scamming people and it reminded me of a situation I had this afternoon at Costco.

There are these two beautiful Swedish twins that will offer you sex in the parking lot. While the one sister is working on you, the other will steel your wallet.

Now...

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Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

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Two buddies were getting drunk together.

One drink too many one of them rushes to the bathroom and moments later comes out with his shirt covered in vomit.

"Jesus Steve, what happened to you?" Asked his buddy.

"Ah, shit I puked all over myself, my wife is going to kill me when she finds out I messed up my nicest shirt from dr...

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

Urgent message to all older men...

There has been a terrible spate of robberies by a gang of young women. Their MO is to pull you over on the road and hitch a ride. They always wear skimpy bikinis, then start to rub themselves on you while you're driving in order to distract you. One of them then sneakily steals your wallet. I have a...

How much English can you speak

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can ...

There were 2 best friends

They had messed up their last minute cooking plan and decided to go out for dinner. By the time they reached the restaurant, they realised that they both forget their wallets.

The first guy said "I can't really go back to my house now because I live in an apartment and the folks would be slee...

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A very hot blonde and a very hot brunette are loose on the streets.

A very hot blonde and a very hot brunette are loose on the streets. They are working together looting people. One gives you a blowjob while the other cleans out your wallet.
Trust me, I've been robbed 7 times by them.

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A man from the mountainous country of Georgia is on trial for murder

Judge: Defendant, what was your motive for killing the victim?

Georgian man: So, I leave home for store, right? But as I walk down the street, I go, 'Vaivaivai, [slams forehead] Gogi, you forgot your wallet!'

So I go back, but right before I come in, I look through the window, and ...

A speeding blonde.

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'...

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Scam alert! Men beware

During the recent hot weather here in the UK we have had a couple of young women operating a scam at our local supermarket. They offer a while-you-wait car valeting service - you just drive in and while you sit there, one of them washes the outside of the car while the other vacuums the inside. They...

Here's a very Jewish joke I thought of while in Shabbat service

A Rabbi goes to one of the regulars and exclaims
"MOSHE! You bring your cellphone and your wallet to Shul in Shabbat? How could you even think of doing that in Shabbat?"

To which Moshe responds "Well, Rabbi, I'm sorry, but where else was I supposed to put my driver's license??"

Preparations for parenthood.

Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.
<...

EA doesn't mean 'Early Access'

It means 'Easy Access'



To your wallet.

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...

A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver

The cop tells the driver "License please."

"What is a license?" the driver answers.

The cop replies "it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it..."

As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says ...

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Going to Vegas is a lot like dating a stripper

At first it's amazing! She's so hot and fun, and you feel so alive when you're with her.

As time roles on, you start to realize she's a little bit crazy. She's always dragging you around to clubs and shows, and everywhere you go she's trying to get you drunk. Eventually, you start to suspect...

What’s the best way to loose weight fast?

Drop your wallet in England, up to hundreds of pounds gone in seconds

I met a mugger in northern Germany.

He said "Hannover your wallet!"

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So a lonely, used, abused, beaten down woman places a personal ad in the newspaper...

She writes that she desires a man who won't use her for her money, beat her to a bloody pulp and won't walk out on her leaving her an emotional wreck of shambles. She also states that this man ought to satisfy her sexually and fuck her like no other man has.

Well days go by and no one respond...

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February 15th - the Aftermath reminded me of a joke

When I saw a [thread](http://imgur.com/yKGB2Z6) on the aftermath of Valentines Day it reminded me of a joke - goes like this.

Boy walks into a pharmacy and walks over near the condom aisle passing by a few time looking very nervous. The pharmacist, a male, decides to take mercy on him and wal...

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[NSFW] WARNING to all men in Northwest England.

There is a scam going on in supermarket car parks all around the North West. The victim will usually be a male on his own and will usually be distracted by navigating the car park with shopping.

He will usually be approached by an attractive female in her early 20s as he enters his car. She ...

In light of the customers' data breach Capital One unveiled a new slogan today:

Who's in your wallet?

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Why is a woman like a condom?

Because they spend more time on your wallet than on your dick

You know you live in a bad neighborhood when you getting robbed by somebody you know.

Robber: Gimme your wallet!

"Jay jay... That you?"

Robber: Don't talk to me while I'm at work!

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Preaching the truth.

Guy talking to stranger: Bisexuality isn't hard to understand. Guys are cute girls are cute. What more do you want from me.

*stranger cocking gun* : Your wallet.

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A guy is in a bar after work getting drunk when he throws up on himself.

He says to the bartender "*what am I going to do? My wife says if i came home drunk one more time she was kicking me out!"*

Bartender says, *"No worries, seen this before. Take $20 out of your wallet, put it in your jacket pocket. Tell your wife you were just having a couple of drinks, that's...

A robber corners a well-dressed man in an alleyway...

“Take out your wallet and give me all your money!” The robber says, holding a gun to the man’s chest.

“You can’t do this!” says the well-dressed man. “I’m a senator in the U.S. Congress!”

The robber doesn’t lower his gun and replies:

“Well in that case, take out your wallet and ...

If you have bought a new monitor, don't forget to update your refreshrate.

Otherwise, it only Hertz in your wallet.

Be Positive

A good friend passed away here at the office today. There was an accident in the mailroom and his bleeding could not be controlled. EMS arrived immediately but were unable to slow the bleeding enough. The ems team could not figure out quickly enough what Jason's blood type was either so saving him t...

If you believe every citizen should own a gun raise your hand,

and if you don't, raise both hands and give me your wallet.

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Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"

The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no c...

A man in a baklava that covers his face is robbing another guy...

- "GIVE ME YOUR WALLET!" he yells as he looks menacing with a knife.

The other man gives him the wallet, and the robber opens it to take the money out...

- "Only 3 dollars?, what do you do for a living?"

- "Im an engineer"

The robber takes off the baklava and says:
<...

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What's the difference between Starbucks and a prostitute?

Nothing, they both suck and will empty your wallet!

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Walmart scam

Yesterday I got scammed at a Walmart. I'll tell you how the scam works so you can avoid it.


When you get out of the shop, two sexy 20 years old girls dressed with very short blue jeans and tight t-shirts will be washing your car. They're very hot, you can't avoid admiring them. When you g...

What does Samuel Jackson say when he is mugging you?

What's in your wallet?

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Beware of the two girls on the Walmart parking lot!

They offer to give you a double blowjob. While they do it, one of them steals your wallet! Watch out! It happened to me the day before yesterday, yesterday and I'll go again in about 5 minutes!

"Have you been for a check-up recently?" asked my dentist.

"No. No I haven't," I answered.

"I can tell," he replied.

"Are my teeth bad?" I chuckled.

He said, "No, but I saw the wad of cash in your wallet."

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A man promises his wife to quit drinking...

...but that night he let's his buddy talk him into going to happy hour. He ends up getting so drunk he vomits all over himself. Suddenly overcome with guilt, he starts crying to his buddy. "What am I gonna do? I'm busted for sure."

But his friend has an idea. "Let me see your wallet.". T...

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9 Inches [Long-ish]

A guy walks into the bar when he sees a man pull out his wallet, and from the wallet a very small man jumps up playing a piano and returns to the wallet. The guy, astounded by what he just saw, asks the man "How did you get that person into your wallet playing the tiny piano?" the man responds "well...

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A man goes to a bar

A man goes to a bar one night and gets good and liquored up. towards the end of the night he starts feeling a bit woozy and he pukes all over his shirt.

The man drunkenly turns to the guy next to him and says "Great, now what am I going to do. My wife said she would leave me if I come home d...

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