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Your Lap Jokes

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If a lap dog is a dog small enough to fit on your lap...

I'd hate to see what animal qualifies as a "pussy cat".

What's the worst cat to have on your lap?

Probably a bulldozer

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A joke my Grandpa told me the other day...

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jok...

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A ventriloquist is in the middle of his act...

and is in the part of his routine where he riffs off a bunch of blonde jokes, one after the other. A blonde woman in the front row is getting upset, and finally says, "I'll have you know, just because a woman is blonde doesn't mean she is dumb. There are plenty of highly intelligent, successful blo...

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my cat is a stripper.

she says "i'm gonna sit on your lap but you can't touch me." in a way.

A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.

A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says “How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person?” The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde jokes for the rest of the performance. The blonde says “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the guy o...

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What did strippers and cats have in common?

Theyll both sit on your lap if you entice them and dont like when you touch them

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CAR PARK SCAM: BEWARE!

Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. ...

If you're going to drink and drive, always carry a flask in your car

If you get pulled over for a DUI, put the flask in your lap, suspiciously​ insist that it's "water," and that's when the officer finds out that's it's chloroform.

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The Head

A man was walking on a beach and found a good spot, and sat down. After a few moments a head of a woman rolled by and stopped next to him.

“Hello I’m Chrissy”

“John” he replied.

“I wonder if you can help me, I’ve been alone all my life and I was wondering if I can sit with you ...

So this guy and his wife are driving home in the rain when a skunk appears...

The guy swerves and strikes the skunk nonetheless. Being an animal lover he stops and assesses the soggy critter. It breathes and he immediately scoops it up. "Quick!" He says to his wife, "warm this skunk in your lap while I drive to the vet!"

"But it's wet and stinky" she protests.
...

An old couple is having their breakfast.

The old lady turns to her husband and says

"Oh honey, look at us, having breakfast like that. The same way we did when we were first married 50 years ago"

"Yes it is great" says the old man

"However, back then we were having breakfast naked. How about we do that again?"

T...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his lap

The bartender says “Hey mate. You’ve got a steering wheel on your lap!”

Pirate replies “Arrrrrgh! It be driving me nuts!!”

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A blonde and a ventriloquist walk into a bar

The ventriloquist sits down and puts on his act, and starts making blonde jokes

So the blonde walks up to him and says "can you please stop us blondes are not THAT dumb"

to which the ventriloquist responds "sorry, my jokes aren't meant to offe-"

She then says "I'm not talking to...

Another blonde joke

A famous ventriloquist is doing a comedy show with his puppet, where he and the puppet chat and the puppet tells the jokes. At one point in the show, the puppet tells a whole string of the usual blonde jokes, which has the audience roaring with laughter.

But one woman isn't having it. She st...

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

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A blonde goes to a ventriloquist show

The guy is doing his act and at some point starts with jokes about blondes. Infuriated the blonde gets up and shouts: "It's because of shows like this that people don't take blondes seriously! You should be ashamed of yourself for putting down all the blondes... nay, all the women, with your misogyn...

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A ventriloquist does a comedy show at a bar and makes a lot of jokes about blondes. A blonde lady stands up all feminazi and goes on a tirade.

"Blonde jokes are dehumanizing and offensive not only to blond people but to females like me. You are one of the reasons why we can't move up the corporate ladder and people look at us like we're dumb!

"It is unfair that you should brand blonds as intellectually incapable and dumb because we ...

Best cat jokes lmao

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
...

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Two men are drinking at a bar..

When one turns to the other and says, "well time to head out, my wife told me if I came home so drunk I pissed myself again I'd be in big trouble". His friend says "Here's an idea! Just take a twenty dollar bill from the ATM and when you get home just tell her someone accidentally poured a drink on ...

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