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Your Head Jokes

"Dad, why did you put lipstick on your head?"

"Because your mother told me to makeup my mind"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do if a bird shits on your head?

Don’t go out on a second date with her

You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head.

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

My boss said if I see you browsing reddit again, I'll smash your head to the keyboard

I guess hejgfjucurbnfocndldpllkanabdvwcdcc

What's the opposite of being able to wrap your head around something?

A turban :D

(It's my joke, MINE! If anyone *ever* wants to repost this, give me credit!)

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

I hate it when you get a Cranberries song stuck in your head...

.. In your head

In your head.

In your head.

Have you ever had the theme from "The Love Boat" stuck in your head?

Now you have. You're welcome.

Use your goddamn head!

Mike visited his friend Bob in the hospital after Bob had suffered from an severe head injury,

What happened Bob? How did you got your head injured like this, asks mike.

I was trying break a rock with my slippers when a man saw me and told me that this wouldn't work and that I should u...

How to tell if a girl likes you

You can tell if a girl likes you by her ankles:

If they are behind your head, she likes you.

If they are behind *her* head, she *really* likes you.

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

You know you can fit any boat on your head

Just flip it upside down. That makes it capsized

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

Me: I’m just saying if you’re head over heels in love you could just be standing there because your head is normally over your heels.

Cupid: Yeah well I appreciate you applying for the job and we’ll keep your resume on file.

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

Isn't it strange how sometimes a random 80s rap song will start playing in your head for no reason?

I guess we just have to accept that the brain is a very complex organ, because it's like that, and that's the way it is.

A farmer's wife comes out into the field as he's plowing and begins to nag at him.

Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.

After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, "I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see ...

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

I was going to slap you because your head was in the clouds

But I mist

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If you shrunk the solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet,

Uranus would be right about where you'd expect it to be.

Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk?

My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

Tips to reduce weight… First turn your head to the right and then to the left.

Repeat this exercise whenever your offered something to eat!

For the golfers: if you get caught in a thunderstorm on the golf course, grab your one iron and hold it up over your head.

Not even God can hit a one iron.

You Will Lose Your Head With This One

What's the key factor to an isis joke?

The execution......

What's the first thing that goes through your head, when you find yourself in a car accident without a seat belt?

The windshield

What's brain-eater doing inside your head?

Starving

Did you hear the one about shooting an apple off your head with a bow and arrow?

Yeah, I don’t wanna Tell you.

The fictional scenarios in your head will die with you, like a tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear

Unless you post on TIFU

Ever been walking in the woods and had nuts fall on your head?

You just got treebagged.

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According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

What do Russians call it when you put a bullet in a gun and fire it at your head?

Suicide.


What do Russians call it when someone else puts a bullet in a gun and fires it at your head?


Suicide.

What is green, has four sides and hurts if it hits your head?

A pool table

Why does the doctor make you turn your head and cough?

So you don't cough on the doctor

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Small Head

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of a...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut. (And she’d laugh every time! I miss her terribly.)

If a joke's over your head it's a "whoosh". But if a joke crashes and dies horribly,

That's a "Boeing".

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Did you know, if you lay your head on someone's lap

You can actually hear them saying "what the fuck are you doing?"

Smash your head into a computer keyboard and see what comes up.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

If I smash a bottle of coke on your head...

It probably won't hurt since it's soft drink

When adding number in your head...

It's really the thought that counts.

Ma & Pa and the outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...

"Pa you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with it."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."

So.......Paw mosies out to the outhouse, looks around,...

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

The bad news is.. including me.

I’ve invented a new brand of cocaine that will literally blow your head off.

I call it Kurt Cocaine.

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

It also gets you removed from your local gym.

What’s blue and would kill you if it fell on your head??

A fridge in a denim jacket

21000lbs, packed full and waiting to blow your head off

Mother of all bongs.

What do Germans call a confession you give with a gun to your head?

A Glock and spiel

What do you call it when you rush to say a joke before you finish formulating the punchline in your head?

Wait don't click this post yet i'm thinking 1 sec

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

Son asks "Dad, do you die if you lose your head?"

Dad responds "That is a no-brainer"

If you start going bald, get rabbits tattooed all over your head.

Until you get up close they look just like hares.

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Stick Your Head Between Legs

A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill. Near the end she said, "And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head between your legs."


Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff, "I can't bend that far these days!"


Jeff replied with a smile,...

"Sometimes you just need to go for a drive to clear your head"

-John F. Kennedy

What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head?

gourd to death

What do you do when a goose swoops above your head?

You duck.

They say dunking your head in cold water helps wake you up

But no one realizes boiling water is much more effective

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

A woman marries a narcissist

There was a woman who married a man who never thought of anyone other than himself. His favorite thing to do was to complain about his wife to anyone who would hear. One day he went out with a mule and started complaining about his wife to the mule. The mule was so annoyed by his complaining that it...

Why does your blood rush to your head when you're upside down but not to your feet when you're right side up?

Your feet aren't empty.

what do you call a migraine that moves around in your head

migration

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when...

A man goes to the doctor, he's visibly losing hair.

He says to the doctor, "I've spent months trying to grow my hair back, trying so many different treatments, but nothing has worked." The doctor says, "Well, it sounds a bit weird but, I suggest you rub the top of your head against your wife's private area once a night." The man does so, and a month ...

A wise man once told me that you should love with your heart and use your head for everything else

He died of a concussion

I realized why girls like tall men

Because it makes it easier to crop your head out of photos when you break up.

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
...

Worried about hair loss? Just draw little rabbits on your head.

From a distance they'll look like hares.

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