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Wheel Chair Jokes

Wheel Chair bound congressman Madison Cawthorn lost his primary tonight.

Now it’s not just his doctors telling him that he can no longer run.

Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: ...

My girlfriend broke up with me. So i took her wheel chair.

Guess who came crawling back.

Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair?

Because they can't stand up for themselves.

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An old man in a wheel chair stole my camouflage jacket.

Bastard can hide but he can't run.

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What do you call a nun on a wheel chair?

Virgin Mobile

I have no respect for those in wheel chairs who remain silent when people make fun of their disability

Stand up for yourself!

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.



The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like...

Why are there no wheel chair characters in battle royal games?

Because it's last person standing wins.

Obama went on a run

and fell in a river.

-

three young boys pulled him out of the river. Obama said my god, you saved the president of your country. name any one thing you want and you'll have it.

-

The first boy said he wanted a house for his mother, they'd never had a house. Obama bought i...

What do you call a sugar daddy in a wheel chair?

Meals on wheels

What do you call a race in wheel chairs?

Need For Speed Special Edition

What do you call two people in a wheel chair?

A pair of plegics.

I met a girl online that was in a wheel chair.

We agreed to meet up for drinks but she stood me up.

I really wish this wasn't a true story.

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner....

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean...

I dated a girl in a wheel chair once.

it was a tough relationship tho. Have you ever heard the saying "If you love her then let her go, and if she comes back then it was meant to be"?

Well don't let her go on a hill by a lake, cause she don't come back

What is the softest part of a wheel chair?

The vegtable sitting in it

Three men go to heaven

At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time.

But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him:
"What happend?"<...

Had a house party last night

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house &...

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Personals ad...

A woman placed an ad looking for man, her only requirements was that he would never hit her, never walk out on her, and have an enormously long penis. After 2 weeks of rejecting enthusiastic suitors she began to give up hope of finding love. Finally one day a quadraplegic guy in a wheel chair rings ...

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Stripper's dating ad

A stripper got desperate and tired of the men she was with always turning out to be assholes. She puts an ad on a dating say simply saying "I want a man who will never beat me, never run away from me, and is good in bed" after dating a few more assholes the doorbell rings one day. She opens the door...

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[long] Old age [NSFW]

It is Bingo night and the 70 year old women are discussing who is the “hottest” widower at the old folks home.

One says “Arnold is the hottest gentleman here, he has hair and most of his teeth!”

Another says “Barry is the sexiest man here, just look at the way he gets around on his ...

Drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They driv...

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An old lady puts an ad in the paper, looking for a husband...

She decides honesty is the best policy, and sets three rules that applicants must meet:

They must not run around on her.
They must not hit her.
They must be good in bed.

A few days go by after she placed her ad, when the doorbell rings. She opens the door to find an old guy ...

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A 50 year old women posts a dating ad.

" I need a man who wont beat me, wont leave me, and must be good in bed. Will share all my wealth."

A day later, she hears her door bell ring. To her surprise a man with no legs or arms in a wheel chair greets her.

" this is a joke right? Are you here about the ad?" says the women....

Mexican word of the day: wheelchair

Theirs only 1 taco left, so wheel chair.

I saw a kid did not stand at school for his National anthem

On seeing this I was angry and I kicked him out of his wheel chair

Dark Humor

A kid asked his father “What is dark humor?” The Dad responds with “See that man in the wheel chair, tell him to stand up.” And the kid’s only response was “But dad I’m blind.”

Made up an absolutely horrible joke this morning. It needs work tough like my lazy uncle Mike.

I got in a fight with my Girlfriend this morning because I forgot to cut up her breakfast for her. She just go home from the hospital cause last week she was in a horrible car accident she lost an arm, broke her leg and is going to be in a wheel chair for the foreseeable future to be honest I'm jus...

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My date..

I was at a gas station pumping gas when this cute girl pulled up next to me. She was in a Camaro and asking me questions about my car. Great convo we had, so i asked her on a date . I came to pick her up the night after, she was in a wheel chair! Surprised the hell out of me. So we went for a stroll...

Ding ding ding

So this woman tired of the norm puts an ad in the newspaper for a husband. It says, "He must never beat on me, he must never follow me when I go out with friends and he must be amazing in bed".

The next day her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man in a wheel chair with no arms and...

A doctor is sitting in his office and is waiting for his next patient

A man enters the room. He tells the doctor that he has a back injury from yesterdays activities. The doctor asks him what he did that cause his back injury.

"Well Doctor, I came home early yesterday after work and found a pair of mens shoes that do not belong to me. I rushed upstairs and foun...

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A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person".

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled: "Therefor...

From the Brotherhood of Boozers

A grimacing, quiet man was trying to climb a bar stool and balance himself on it, but was stumbling down again and again. A guy just entered the bar, saw what was happening and decided to do kind thing to a fellow drinker.

He rushes to the man, supports him and tells him, “Don’t worry brother...

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A Widow Finds Love

A widow lost her husband a few years ago and has decided she’s ready to start dating again. So she decides to put an Ad in the newspaper which reads:

“60 year old Woman for Man looking for a second chance at love. I want someone who will not hit me, will not run out on me, and must be good in...

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An old lady is rolling up and down the halls of the nursin home in her wheelchair making sounds like a car. VROOM VROOM!

An old man jumps out of his room and says "Ma'am you were speeding. License and registration please." She digs around in her purse, pulls out a candy wrapper and gives it to him. He looks it over, hands it back and sends her on her way with a warning.

The old lady is rolling up and down the h...

Blonde Inventions

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero pro...

I've been struggling trying to date women lately...

I've been struggling to find women to date recently so I decided i'd try my luck at handicapped women, she was in a wheel chair.

I stood her up, which lead to her falling for me, and now it has become quite the drag, but things are rollin' now.

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Hunting lodge

A young man goes to a hunting lodge with dreams of becoming one of the greatest hunters.

He asks around about who can give the best advice on hunting, and is directed to a 103 year old man with 90 years of experience. He gathers his courage and finally approaches the old man sitting in a ...

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A woman places a personal ad in the papper...

Ad goes as follows...


"Woman seeking man with strong arms to hold me. Must enjoy long walks on the beach, and above all else, is good in bed."


A few days later her door bell rings. She answers the door to a quadriplegic man in a wheel chair. He says, " I here because of the ad...

A little boy’s grandpa had surgery...

And it went well.

The doctor told everyone in the waiting room that it was a successful operation. 30 minutes later the grandpa is up and at em meeting with his family.

While they’re there the doc was telling the standard recovery for the procedure.

Doc: “First of all the anesth...

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So a bar tender tells a man its 2am, he's got to go.

The man stands up and falls flat on his face.
He tells himself he'll be better after he gets outside.
Crawls outside, falls flat on his face.
Says Il be fine when I get home.
Gets home, again he falls flat on his face.
Decides hes gonna sleep it off.
Next morning his wife wakes h...

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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

Robert walks into the bar down the street from his house...

He proceeds to drink his fill and is quite drunk, tries to stand up, gets his feet and proceeds to fall face first onto the floor. Jake the barkeep says "Robert can I help you get home?" No No Robert replies, my wife will be home in the morning and I need to get home so she doesn't she suspect any...

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Ad in the Newspaper

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the newspaper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed.

Three...

Once upon time, there were three friends playing on a beach.

One kid's parents were good business people. The second kid lives in a good family where he is taught to respect his elders. The third kid was a poor redneck with an abusive father. Anyways, they were playing on the beach when a helicopter crashed down into the water. They saw a man drowning and ...

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Looking for a new lover

Was told this joke by an old HVAC guy while at work.

A widow has been lonely for a while now and she wants to be with another lover. So she puts a personal ad in the paper to find her new lover. The ad reads “Looking for a lover. Must never hit me, run around with other women and must be good...

So Jan gets a job driving a school bus.

The first day of school, Jan is given the bus she's to drive. She's driving an elementary-school route, so the inside of the bus has been decked out with Sesame Street characters; muppets pasted on every wall. Jan shrugs and gets started on her route.

The first kid is a super fat little girl...

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For community service I was ordered to go help out at an old folks home...

I met a nurse who told me about the old man I was going to be helping out with.


She told me that he had had a stroke a few years back and could only say one word. She tasked me with getting him to say at least two words by the end of my time there.


I thought it would be an inte...

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More 83 YO dad funnies.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a new...

A Priest, a Preacher, and a Rabbi...

A Catholic priest, Baptist preacher, and a rabbi were known to meet up every week and talk about religion and their respective churches. One week, they were discussing converting people to their faith and each agreed that people are easily manipulated and that it was no true test of skill and that a...

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