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Us Military Jokes

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

What does the US military and a fart have in common?

Air Force

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke about the different branches of the US military.

“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

A sailor says, “I’d step on it”

A soldier says “ I’d report it to my CO”

A marine says “I’d catch it, cut off it’s tail and eat it!”

An airman responds “I’d pick up the phone and call room service and ask why’s the...

What's the most american US military branch?

the Air Force. They're USAF.

What are the two best things about being in the US Military?

The 1st and the 15th.

the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to...

What type of art is the favorite of the US Military?

Oil paintings

What’s the difference between Logan Paul and the US military

The Americans were actually concerned if they found people in the forest.

The US military would be really disappointed

when it sits down to brainstorm a name for the nuclear bomb to be dropped on Kim Jong-un and realises that Fatman is already taken.

An undercover Iranian soldier was captured by the US military and was under interrogation...

US soldier : - *smacks the captured soldier* - "who sent you?"

Iranian soldier : - "Madiq"

US soldier : - "Madiq who?"

Iranian soldier : - "Suq madiq!

Why does the US military use digital camo?

They turned down the graphics for better performance

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran?

Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM

At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."

A Soviet general, upon hearing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two military men walk into a bathroom...

One from the Army. One from the Marines. They both go pee, and finish around the same time. But only the Marine goes to the sink to wash his hands. Just before the Army guy left, the Marine stopped him and said: "Hey, aren't you going to wash your hands? In the Marines, we were taught to wash our h...

An Army Ranger goes on a vacation...

Got this in a thread somewhere about the branches of the US military.

An Army Ranger goes to Australia for his vacation. He goes to a souvenir shop to get souvenirs, and wanted to get a crocodile skin shoe. The shopkeeper looks at him and tells him that he doesn't sell them. Frustrated, the R...

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