Oper Jokes - 110 Hilarious Oper Jokes

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The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

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“This is 911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.

“I masturbate too much,” the man replied.

“Sir, that’s not really a problem,” the operator said.

The man shouted, “Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.”

Netflix has ceased operation in Russia.

Now Russians have Nyetflix

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"

Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

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putin walks into a meeting with all his top generals and demands "How is my special operation against Ukraine and NATO Nazis going!?"

The generals all look at each other nervously

"Well...." demands putin "tell me now!!"

The top general stands and says "Well we have been fighting for 4 weeks. We have lost over 15,000 brave soldiers, 6 generals, over 500 tanks and fighting vehicles, 3 ships, 100 planes and drones and ...

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A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

I was talking to a crane operator today...

I asked if his job was uplifting....

He told me that it had it's ups and downs

What is Mexico's favourite operating system?

TacOS

Dogs can't operate an Mri machines...

But catscan

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

Doctor : "After the operation, you will be able to meet your family members tomorrow….!"

Patient: "But I am all alone Doctor!! All the family members have passed away!!"

Doctor : "I know that...!"

I used to be a forklift operator

…but there were way too many ups and downs for me.

So I got a job for a while resurfacing ice rinks, although I never really warmed to it.

I got some work fixing clocks that were running slowly, but I found the hours were just too long.

And when I tried my hand at being a baker...

What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?

Autopsy

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A man wakes up in a hospital after an operation

‘We have accidentally amputated your penis’ said the doctor

‘What the actual f**k!!!’ shouted the man

Then the doctor said ‘Ma’am, you need to calm down’

My Vet told me yesterday that dogs can’t possibly operate the MRI machine.

But Catscan.

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Signal box operative

New job

Guy goes for a job as a train signal box operative.

The examiner tests him for his thinking abilities.

"Ok. You have a train coming down the A line what do you do"?

"Simple, just give him a green go signal and the jobs done"!

"Great" says the examiner.<...

if chuck norris owned and operator an oyster bar...

it would be called shuck norris

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

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When I awoke from my operation

A nurse was leaning over me and said "you may not feel anything from the waist down."

So I fondled her tits.

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery...

...and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your moth...

A CIA Agent, KGB spy and AISE operative were sent to infiltrate a terrorist cell.

The terrorists figured out the three were infiltrators and thus captured them.

The terrorists decided to torture the three infiltrators. They started with the CIA agent.

“Do not worry, for I have been trained in the United State’s most insidious enhanced interrogation techniques and h...

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Plastic Surgeon Dad, Operates On His Own Daughter....

There was a plastic/cosmetic surgeon,
who did some procedures on his own daughter,

He did her Nose, Boobs, and a few other things....

When people said she was pretty,
He then would jokingly say to them:

"she got her good looks from me!"

What’s is a Frenchman’s favorite operating system?

Microissant

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Before going into my operation, I asked to surgeon "Will I be able the play golf after my operation?"

"Yes, I suspect so." The surgeon replied.

"That's good because I couldn't fucking play before".

Sylvia was wheeled into the operating room.

The surgeon told the nurse, "Please prepare the instruments."

Sylvia glared at him and said, "Here I am at death's door and you want to play music?!?"

Why can't Rick Astley be an elevator operator?

Because he said he'd never let you down.

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Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.

They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.

They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.

After much discussion they could conclude that if y...

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

The Democrats have a plan to make the Republicans sound stupid.

Operation "Just Let Them Talk"

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

Was it hard to find guillotine operators?

Not really, some people will do anything to get A Head.

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a Time Machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian and the other’s a manned DeLorean.

Here's a joke about a terrible cable car operator

So there was this man who had only one ambition in his life: he wanted to live in San Francisco and drive cable cars. So he moved there, and studied, and took a test to become a cable car driver. He failed. Studied some more, took the test again. Again he failed. Finally, on the third attempt, he pa...

What is a crane operators favourite music genre?

Heavy metal

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

A guy is in an accident and wakes up in hospital after being operated on

The doctor says "well sir, I have some bad news and some good news.
The bad news is that we had to amputate both of your legs.

But the good news is that the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes"

Switch Operator

This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer ...

What do you call people who work for Elon Musk's lithium operations?

Minors.

Operation Tory

A Tory MP woke up in hospital after a serious operation and found that the curtains around him were drawn. He called for a nurse and asked "why are the curtains closed, Is it night"?
The nurse replied "No it's just that there's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operat...

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic before my operation...

"Go ahead," he replied. "Knock yourself out..."

Why do astronauts prefer the Linux operating system.

Because you can't open Window's in space.

Jamaicans that fear operating doors with a key...

They dreadlocks.

A former CIA operative gets a job as a software engineer.

At one point in his new career, he comes across a batch of information with what looks, to him, like an unusual encoding scheme.

Thinking it might be some kind of new cipher, he gets in touch with an old contact of his.

The contact, upon seeing the information in question, groans beca...

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.

A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
...

Guy dies during operation and goes to heaven

So this guy has surgery and he dies. He was supposed to survive the surgery. So when he goes to heaven Saint Peter says it was a total mistake we're going to send you back but God wanted to talk to you first. So he goes to God and God's talking to him and says how is a mistake. And God says to make ...

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member o...

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I used to be a phone sex operator...

But I got hearing aids.

We are going to operate on Mike tonight for his stomach cancer.

Today is open Mike night.

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

How does an ecoterrorist operate?

He plants a bomb

Interviewer: any experience operating heavy machinery?

Candidate: does your mom count?

A 911 operator gets a call.

"911 what's your emergency?" the operator asks.

"I'm smoking." replied a middle-aged woman.

"Sorry, ma'am but you shouldn't be calling 911. Please contact an expert if you need help." The operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

"911, what's your emergency?" t...

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

Train operator

Before I was in the service industry I was a train operator. One day my boss told me I was a terrible train operator and asked how many trains I derailed.

I wasn't sure, it's hard to keep track.

I hadn't really wanted the operation

But I had a change of heart

How many Buzzfeed employees does it take to operate an electric chair?

10, but 4 will shock you.

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3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."

The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"

T...

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

Why wasn't the vet worried when I took my teenaged kangaroo in for an operation?

Because it was just roo teen surgery.

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Three surgeons were siting around discussing who had the best paying operation.

First surgeon says he transplanted a West African penis onto a Japanese man for 10k.

Second surgeon says that's nothing... I once transplanted the tongue of a poodle into a French man for 100k.

Third surgeon say I would have beaten that by transplanting tits onto the back of a sailor.....

There's a hotel that still has an elevator operator, to prevent people from doing graffiti in it, or kids from jumping in it.

A man who's on vacation talks to the elevator guy whenever he rides the elevator, and they get to know each other pretty well.

When he's leaving the hotel at the end of his vacation, the elevator operator notices his suitcases and says "Goodbye son" and the man replies "you're not my father"...

Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation.

Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex.

Doctor- I am.

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A man badly damaged his dick in an accident

The surgeon says “we’ve developed a new technique that can rebuild your penis, using a section of an elephant’s trunk”; so the guy decides to go ahead.

The operation is a great success. A couple of weeks later, he’s having dinner at a restaurant with his wife. Suddenly his dick bursts out of ...

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Operation Clean-Up

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.
Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

What did the tropical bird say when he was asked to help operate an industrial machine?

"Don't worry, one bird usually can't operate this machine on his own.

But toucan."

Kraft foods is moving their entire operation to Israel.

They’ll be renaming themselves “Cheeses of Nazareth”.

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

What Operating System does the Infinity Gauntlet use?

ThanOS

What do you call a Hammerhead Shark who's operating a Drill Rig?

A Flathead Screw driver.

After a long and serious operation, Edna ended up in a coma.

Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news, "We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good, I'm afraid."

The doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice. Ralph looked at...

An inconsolable wife is rushed into the operating room...

Surgeon: "Ma'am! I think we may be able to save your husbands arm.

Wife: "Really?! Oh my god yes!!!"

Surgeon: "Right. Where would you like it sent?"

Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by...

"What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.

"Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

911 Operator: What's your emergency?

Me: This man keeps laughing at me!

Operator: That sounds annoying, but it isn't a crime.

Me: then what hell is manslaughter?

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A man goes to a doctor ..

To see about getting his penis enlarged. The doctor says “yes we can do that - there’s a new operation these days. We take the trunk of a baby elephant and graft it into your penis.”

So the man excitedly agrees and gets the operation. Six weeks later after it’s all healed he goes on a date wi...

Who was the first man to have an operation?

Sir Jerry.

99% of people can do simple math operations.

I belong to the other 2%.

Just had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.

To surprise her hubby, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

What operating system did the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs use?

Ubuntutankhamun

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So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says

“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”

The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”

“I’ve lan...

A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.

The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant...

I used to be good at operating a boomerang.

It was difficult to re-learn a childhood hobby...

*but then it came back*

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I had an operation on my penis the other day, they shoved a tube down my shaft.

It was very eye opening.

What did the telegraph operator say to kids pranking him?

This is used for work, stop.

This is not a game, stop.

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A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate

before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once th...

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A young blonde lady is in the hospital for an operation. She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"

He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"

A newly hired operations manager spends a week with the outgoing operations manager in order to learn his new duties and responsibilities.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow th...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

I have a really good relatipnship with the elevator operator.

We speak to eachother on so many different levels.

A patient is lying on the operating table

"Relax John. It'd be fine."

"Doctor... My name is not John."

"But my name is."

Which operating system does Varys run his spy network on?

Unix; it was decided for him.

How do CIA operatives get their children to go to sleep?

They make up a cover story.

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

Me: I’m so cold

Operator: OMG stay conscious

Me: no the fridge door is open

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color...

Have you heard the one about the woman who was saved from a river by a crane operator?

It’s an uplifting story

What do you call a concession stand operated by Isis?

Allahu Snackbar

A Navy SEAL, an Army Ranger and a Delta Operator walk into a bar...

...the Delta Operator orders a shot of whisky, the Army Ranger has a beer, and the Navy SEAL writes a book about it.

Nike should operate a suicide hotline

And tell every caller to “just do it”

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The Operation

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious o...

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