UPJOKE
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TIFU: My uniform fetish has been escalating to unhealthy levels. Today I set the apartment on fire just so I could call 911, and I didn't realize my girlfriend was still inside.

Don't worry. I came to her rescue.

My wife called me to tell me my son was caught for setting a house on fire

I corrected her by saying, Arson

a blonde calls 911 and says "help, help, my house is on fire" ...operater says "stay calm ma'am, we'll send the fire department. how do we get to your house?"

Blonde: "duh...big red truck"

An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.

“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I am a baseball player. I can catch you.”

“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”

“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.

“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I will take my chances with the fire.”

A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fire so she called 911.

The blonde told the operator, “My neighbor’s house is on fire!”.

The operator asked, “Where are you? ”

The blonde answered, “At my house”.

The operator replied, “No, I’m asking how do we get there?”.

The blonde said, “In a firetruck, duh!”

What do parents say when the find out their son got arrested for setting a building on fire

“That’s arson!”

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

What do you call a disabled person on fire?

Hot Wheels

An arsonist lights an economist's house on fire.

When the economist arrives home, he turns on the garden hose in his front yard and sprays a huge blast of water on the fire. This completely puts out the fire, but now a section of the house is covered in water.

The next day, the arsonist lights a chemist's house on fire.

When the chem...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are having sex and the house catches on fire. so who gets out first?

The guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.

Honey, I accidentally set your son on fire!

Just kidding, it’s not your son, it’s arson.

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

A 6 story building is on fire

Fireman 1: Your turn to choose… you want the ladder or the stairs?

Fireman 2: Ok, I’ll take the latter

Fireman 1: Ok, I’ll take the ladder

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

Why does the feminine man float on fire?

Because he is flamboyant!

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a donkey that's on fire?

The hottest ass you've ever seen

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)

"Ladies and gentlemen," the intercom on a large intercontinental flight announces, "this is your captain speaking. Please look out of the window on the port, or left side of the aircraft, and you will see that the left engine is on fire..."

"Now please look out of the starboard window, or right side of the aircraft, and you will see that the wing is breaking off, and will soon separate from the fuselage..."


"Now, please look down, to the tropical island below. At the beach, you will notice a small orange object. It is a life...

I saw a cow spontaneously catch on fire the other day

Guess you could call it a rare experience

An Irishman is pulled from a bar on fire

The firemen, in the interest of finding out the cause ask him, "What started the fire!?"

The Irishman, covered on soot, shakes his head. "Beats me. It was already on fire when I went in."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man have after his wife set his balls on fire?

Honey-Roasted Nuts

Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"

"It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the ...

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What do you call someone who lights people's butts on fire?

An arsenist!

What did the pirate say when his child caught the ship on fire?

Arrrrrrgh Son!

How do you light a swimmingpool on fire?

You don't.

Irish Pub In Midtown Manhattan Is On Fire

An Irish pub on 32nd street caught fire one day. Smoke and flames were seen billowing out of the windows and threatening the nearby businesses. Firefighters arrived on the scene within 10 minutes but the fire had spread so rapidly from all the wood (and booze I suppose), and the building was complet...

Did you hear about the French cheese factory that caught on fire?

All that was left was da brie...

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A Catholic school is on fire

The Principal orders everyone to leave immediately. A priest runs up to him and says "but sir, there are still children trapped inside." The principal says "fuck the kids"

Priest says "do you think there's enough time?"

What do you call a woman who sets her mortgage documents on fire?

Bernadette

If Alex Jones and Chris Brown were both on fire and you only had one fire extinguisher...

Where would you hide it?

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A man is walking down the street an sees that his favorite brothel is on fire

He selflessly runs into the flames and comes back out with a dwarf sex worker. When asked why he rescued her, he says "I always save a little fellator"

An Australian man set his pubic hair on fire.

I guess you could call that an Australian bushfire

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So my sex life has been on fire recently!

Gonorrhea really is a bitch.

Did you ever hear about the man who set pastries on fire?

He was a self proclaimed pie-ro-maniac.

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Principal: Sorry for calling you in, but your son set the school on fire.

Parents: Arson?

Principal: Yes, your son.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Her: “Sex last night was ok.” Him: “Sex last night was so hot, we set the bed on fire!”

Fact vs. Friction

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

^(Disclaimer: Don't try this at home.)

A bread factory caught on fire the other day.

Now, their business is toast.

If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian both caught on fire in your gym and you only had ONE bucket of water.....

.... would you squat or deadlift first?

What's it called when you set your significant other on fire?

Flambae

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do when you're having sex with your cousin and get set on fire?

Stop, drop, and rolltide.

sorry

My reddish-brown Toyota minivan caught on fire yesterday

It’s a burnt burnt sienna Sienna.

Kid, why did you set my wife on fire?

I wanted a hot mom.

A large apartment building is on fire, and people are trapped...

The first firefighters on scene notice that a couple is in a window 10 stories up, frantically waving their arms. They have a baby, and the smoke and fire is getting thick. The firefighters know that their ladder can't reach that high, and desperately try to come up with a plan.

A bystander,...

The year 2020 began with Australia on fire and over a billion animals dead.

Little did we know then that it would be the feel good story of the year.

I saw a guy setting his phone on fire

He said that he wanted to reach hot

What do you get when you light a pig on fire?

a piglit

Satan is doing his weekly Hell inspection when he finds a man on fire in a sun chair with a piña colada. He asks him “aren’t you hot?”

No, I’m from Phoenix. It’s rather chilly in here.

What's the first thing you do when the strip club is on fire?

You get the hoes out.

I sneezed in front of my stuttering friend and said, "man, my sinuses are on fire".

"i-i-is i-i-it an-an-allergy?" he asked

I said, "no, it's a metaphor".

An economists left leg is on fire and his right leg is frozen...

He says "on average I'm perfectly fine".

Did you hear about the guy who lit his pants on fire?

He made an ash of himself!

^^how ^^ember ^^assing...

Silver walked up to elements in a bar that was on fire. Silver said "Get out!"

Gold said "Aukay"

Potassium said "K"

Sodium said "Na"

Argon didn't react.

Why didn't rick astley help the victims of a building on fire?

He refused to let them down

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

What do you call a guy who's laying down in front of a door?...Matt. What do you call a guy floating up and down in the water?... Bob. What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?...Art. What do you call a gal who you owe money to that you set on fire?...

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..BERNADETTE!!!!!!

Trump and Clinton are on a building that is on fire. You got time to save only one, what do you do ?

Go to lunch or go watch a movie ?

The Clown Collage was on fire yesterday

People for miles around complained of funny smells

A weed farm was on fire next to a butcher shop.

The steaks were high.

"Man, my sinuses are on fire!"

"An allergy?"

"No, a metaphor".

A man on fire

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames cra...

All of my posts consistently get too hot. Honestly on fire would better describe them.

Like I don't even try it just happens! But I swear if it happens to me one more time someone else better start trying to fence off this damn volcano.

Last week my house was on fire. The kids were screaming.

My wife told them, 'be quiet or you'll wake your father!'

I tell ya I get no respect.

My career is absolutely on fire at the moment.

Only problem is that my career is accident and disaster prevention.

What you do you call a pirate that likes to set things on fire?

An Arrrrrsonist.

A guy dressed as a chicken on fire tried to break into my house.

If phoenix anything I'll be mad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

I set my old school books on fire yesterday.

Never before had they been so enlightening.

What do you call a Barbie on fire?

A Barbecue!







Be gentle. First post. And I remember making this up on a long car ride when I was just 4:)

A place got lit on fire

But the firefighters were too late to reach and put it out. Media arrived as well to which one of the firefighter giving report said, "I've got a good news and a bad news, the bad news is, 41 children died in that fire. But the good news is it was an orphanage, so I have no parents to notify"

Why did the Indian set his friend's turban on fire?

It was a sikh joke.

Last night, I tried one of those old tricks where you light your farts on fire.

I couldn't find a lighter, so I used a candle...

Completely ruined my kid's birthday cake!

Walking down a quiet road the other day, I noticed there was a house on fire and people screaming inside.

So I ran up to the front door and said, "How many of you are there?"

"Four!" shouted a man.

"What ages?" I shouted.

"40, 48, and two children, 12, and 3," the man screamed.

"Excellent," I replied. "Excellent."

"So what are you doing? Aren't you going to do anything...

An 80s singer caught himself on fire, what does he do?

Stop, Drop, and Rick-Roll

[OC] A Man's House is on Fire

A Man's house is on fire. He is standing on the front lawn when a firefighter arrives. The man tells the firefighter "My wife and baby are in there!"

The firefighter asks: "If I can't save both, which should I bring back?!"

Man quickly responds "My wife. We can always have more babies"...

Plagerism software catches computer on fire

After programmers try to test it on Reddit jokes

A candy's factory is on fire

A research team of a candy factory have just lately developed a new type of candy that should change the candy market as we know today forever.

One day, the factory is burning up. While the local firefighters arrive to the site, the CEO of the factory shouts "the brave men that will bring me ...

I had a chance to meet with a man who had been on fire.

I just had to know what the experience had been like for him. Intrigued, I asked him about the feeling of being in an inferno.





It was a burning question of mine.

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A man wakes up after a night with a hooker and his crotch is on fire

He keeps itching and itching and looks at the hooker and says, "Bitch! You gave me crabs."

The hooker says, "You gave me 30 bucks. What did you expect, Lobster?"

Why did the cops arrest the man who set his hand on fire?

Possession of a Firearm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wouldn't piss on Donald Trump if he were on fire.

But for $100,000 a few Russian hookers will.

A plane's engine suddenly catches on fire

As the plane starts to descend rapidly, a woman gets out of her seat, rips off her clothes and yells

"I want to feel like a woman for one last time!"

A man gets up, takes off his shirt and shouts

"Wash mine, too!"

What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire?

Holy smoke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do when a feminine hygiene product catches on fire?

You throw it on the ground and tampon it.

What do you call a dwarf that was on fire?

A lil smokey

My friend died from an explosion after lighting his fart on fire.

But I know he's at peace because the last thing he saw was a light at the end of his tunnel.

Last night Philadelphia residents climbed light poles, flipped over cars, and set dumpsters on fire

Then things really got out of hand when they learned the Eagles won the Super Bowl

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Car on Fire!!!

Driving home late one night, a man spotted a car on fire. He rushed over to help and saw that a beautiful woman was trapped inside, bleeding to death. He dragged her to safety from the flames, wrapped her in a blanket and drove her to the nearest hospital. Over the next six months, he regularly dona...

What did Bill Cosby say when he was in a bar and he accidentally slipped a pill into one of those drinks you light on fire and then the bartender lit it on fire?

The roof', the roof', the roofies on fire!

Arrrgghhh... My Retinas Are on Fire

I just saw The Emoji Movie.

One day a small farmhouse catches on fire

The fire quickly becomes a towering inferno, while the family sleeps. A pig breaks out of the pig pen and rushes into the house. One by one it drags the family members out to safety. The next day a local news service comes by to cover the amazing story. The family and community heaps praise on t...

What do you call sandpaper on fire?

Bernie Sanders

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy with the two wooden legs that caught on fire?

It really burned his ass to the ground.

A blonde's house catches on fire..

She starts freaking out and finally calls 911. She exclaims, "my house is on fire come as fast as you can!" The operated says, "Okay, calm down and tell me how do we get to your house?", the blonde then replies arrogantly and annoyed, "Well duh, in the big red truck!"

The man who has set himself on fire during a protest has died of his injuries.

His cremation will be continued next week.

I was pumping gas and, a lady caught her arm on fire, police came and arrested her.

For possesion of a fire arm

Setting someone on fire

Setting someone on fire is a very heartwarming gesture.

Did you know Michael Jacksons curtains lit on fire?

He was shades lighter after that...

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