I demanded that my German friend told me what "nein" meant.

He kept on telling me no.

Knock knock. 9. Nein your business.

German knock knock jokes are non interactive for efficiency.... and they're not very funny.

German tourist visits Poland

Guy at the airport: Nationality?

German dude: German

Guy at the airport: Occupation?

German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.

An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security.

Airport security:"Nationality?"

Austrian: "Austria"

Airport security: "Occupation?"

Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a German girl that used to give me marks out of ten for sex...

she particularly liked anal, every time I put it in she screamed nein! nein! nein!

Two Germans walk into a London pub

Two Germans walk into a London pub

-2 Martinis please.

-Dry?

-Nein! ZWEI!

What do you call a German scientist who runs out of beer glasses?

Nein Stein

Those who don't speak German may be mistaken between the two words 'nein' and 'neun'.

One got eaten by the number seven. The other, no.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini "Dry?" the bartender asks…

…“Nein," says the German. "Just one."

My father told me a joke. How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb? He said Nein

My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.

How did the german spy get caught?

He went into a pub in London and ordered two whiskeys.

The bartender asked him: "Dry?"

To which he replied: "Nein, zwei"

What did the German bandit say when he was finally apprehended by Peralta?

Nein nein!

I was on holiday in Germany with the wife

...and we went to a cafe.

After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”

I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”

At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.

"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"

"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"

A German is in a bar in the US

He wants to order something to drink for his wife and him.
"I'll have two martinis, please."
"Dry?" asks the bartender.


"NEIN, I SAID TWO!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what is Hitler's favorite thing to golf with?

a nein iron

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace during WWII and...

...was captured by the Nazis on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a bombing mission?"
The Nazis figured there w...

A German 6 walks into a bar

The barkeep yells "hey, get out, we don't serve 6's here". The 6 leaves, does a headstand, and walks back into the bar on its hands. The barkeep yells over "aren't you the 6 that was just in here". The 6 replies "nein".

How many lives does a cat have left after it loses its ninth life?

Nein lives

A Six walks into a bar

The bartender says, “we don’t serve your kind here”

The Six leaves and comes back whilst doing a handstand.

The bartender looks confused, “aren’t you the guy who was just in here?”

“Nein”

What do you call an imaginary German Shepard?

K-nein

Why do Germans believe in procrastinating?

Because a stitch in time saves nein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was dating this girl but she turned out to be a nazi.

Nein/10

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany

When a German girl walks by and screams “Ah Nein! “ The American guy says, “I’m flattered but I think it’s closer to 8.”

A Lufthansa pilot...

...landed his AirBus A320 at London's Heathrow Airport. An operations manager saw him deplaning and asked him if he had any trouble landing the plane since it was a bit windy.

"Nein," the pilot answered, "I let Otto land the plane."

"Otto? Is that your co-pilot?"

"Nein, my co-p...

It's WW2. Two German spies walk into a bar in London...

... where they sit down to listen in on some high-ranking British officers. They walk up to the bartender and ask:

"Can we get a few drinks?"

The bartender then suggests:

"dry martini?"

"Nein, nein, zwei martini!"

What do Germans call a dead battery?

A Nein- volt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever my German girlfriend and I have sex, she rates her experience on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we were trying anal for the first time, she kept screaming “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” That’s the best I’ve ever done.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

NEIN!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I swear people get 10 times cuter when they talk about what they're passionate about.

Unless it's Hitler.
Then it's only nein times cuter.

A German spy infiltrated a British navy ship.

The captain, unknowingly, strikes up a conversation with the chap at dinner:

Captain: "These Germans think they're so smart, but they're no match for the British Navy. Do you actually believe they've sent any spies here?"

Spy: "Uhh, Nein, of course"

Captain: "Nine spies!? Bl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lost in Translation

In my youth I was a bit of a Lady's man and had quite my share of girlfriends.

At one point, while I was at university, I went to Germany for Erasmus and I met a university colleague that I ended up dating for a while.

She had the strange fetish of giving me a score whenever we made lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when an airplane crashes in a Nazi concentration camp?

Nein Eleven

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two students and a teacher want to have sex with foreign exchange students.

One student goes for the French student, and the whole time she screams, "Oui! Oui! Oui!"

The other student gets with a Spanish student, and she screams, "Sí! Sí! Sí!"

The teacher locks a German student in his office, the whole time she screams, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" He replies, "Really?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy secretly listens to Hitler and his Japanese dog

Hitler loved dogs, and during his alliance with the Japanese, he decided to get a Japanese dog.

As Japanese people know, in Japan, dogs say "wan" instead of "woof".

Once Hitler received his Japanese dog, he decided to have a conversation with the dog. Unknown to Hitler, an American spy...

Do Germans know the number that comes after 8?

Nein.

So, I asked my German grandfather hoe racist he was, scale of 1 to 10

He said "NEIN!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler dies and goes to hell...

As he arrives, Satan greets him.

"Welcome to hell, Hitler." He says. "You deserve a place here for your actions. I will show you 3 rooms, and you'll have to switch places with the person inside the room. Now, follow me please."

Hitler stays silent and follows Satan. They walk into a co...

A german fired his revolver

bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang

A stranger asked “How? A revolver only got six bullets”

”Nein!” the german replied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A subordinate entered Hitler's chamber.

Hilter was sitting with a gun in hand, and eight dead bodies.

Subordinate : "Did you just kill 8 more troops ???"

"NEIN !", Hitler shouted, and shot the subordinate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the doctor say to the Nazi about his tumor?

It was beNEIN!

What do you call a Mexican that is a 1/3 German?

Nein Juan Juan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler, one out of ten how much does your art suck?

NEIN!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated this german girl...

... who would rate our sex from 1-10.

One night we were experimenting with anal.

She starts screaming "NEIN NEIN NEIN"

I thought I was doing a pretty good job.

A German named Lars and a Korean named Wan-Wan travel to America.

As they’re walking the streets of New York, Lars gets hit by a car.

Wan-wan exclaims “Lars! Do I need to call the emergency!?!?”

“*Nein*, Wan-Wan.”

When I worked at Blockbuster back then, I had a German colleague who strictly refused to hand out "An American Tail" to customers.

He obviously had a Nein-to-Fievel job.

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