Nein Jokes - 58 Hilarious Nein Jokes

A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs

Customs agent: "Name?"

German: "Hans."

Agent: "Home city?"

German: "Dusseldorf."

Agent: "Occupation?"

German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."

Credit to pjabrony

German tourist visits Poland

Guy at the airport: Nationality?

German dude: German

Guy at the airport: Occupation?

German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.

Knock knock. 9. Nein your business.

German knock knock jokes are non interactive for efficiency.... and they're not very funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a German girl that used to give me marks out of ten for sex...

she particularly liked anal, every time I put it in she screamed nein! nein! nein!

A German visits France and is stopped at immigration.

The French immigration agent asks, "Business or pleasure?"

The German replies, "Pleasure!"

The agent asks, "Occupation?"

The German replies, "Nein, Nein, just visiting!"

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nein

Those who don't speak German may be mistaken between the two words 'nein' and 'neun'.

One got eaten by the number seven. The other, no.

An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security.

Airport security:"Nationality?"

Austrian: "Austria"

Airport security: "Occupation?"

Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"

Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter"?

He said "Nein, I am ze German... but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/

What did the German bandit say when he was finally apprehended by Peralta?

Nein nein!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever my German girlfriend and I have sex, she rates her experience on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we were trying anal for the first time, she kept screaming “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” That’s the best I’ve ever done.

2 Germans in a bar in London:

\- 2 Martinis, please.

\- Dry?

\- NEIN! ZWEI!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler dies and goes to hell...

As he arrives, Satan greets him.

"Welcome to hell, Hitler." He says. "You deserve a place here for your actions. I will show you 3 rooms, and you'll have to switch places with the person inside the room. Now, follow me please."

Hitler stays silent and follows Satan. They walk into a co...

Two Germans walk into a London pub

Two Germans walk into a London pub

-2 Martinis please.

-Dry?

-Nein! ZWEI!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two students and a teacher want to have sex with foreign exchange students.

One student goes for the French student, and the whole time she screams, "Oui! Oui! Oui!"

The other student gets with a Spanish student, and she screams, "Sí! Sí! Sí!"

The teacher locks a German student in his office, the whole time she screams, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" He replies, "Really?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many sexual partners does a German priest have?

Nein

My father told me a joke. How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb? He said Nein

My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the doctor say to the Nazi about his tumor?

It was beNEIN!

A German student asked his math teacher "do you have a favorite number?"

The teacher replied "nein!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated this german girl...

... who would rate our sex from 1-10.

One night we were experimenting with anal.

She starts screaming "NEIN NEIN NEIN"

I thought I was doing a pretty good job.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks "Dry?"

The German replies "Nein, just one."

I asked a German girl to rate me 1-10

I asked a German girl to rate me 1-10 and I’m glad to say she gave me a nein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.

First he goes to the French and says:

"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"

"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"

"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Hitler's favorite battery?

The nein volt

Two generals

During WWII, the German and Italian General were standing on a cliff in Northern France, watching as the Allied Troop carrier ships were approaching the coast.

The German General yelled,

\- “Capitan, bring me my red coat.”

The surprised Italian General said,

\- “But a w...

What do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with a German Shepherd?

A que-nein.

How many lives does a cat have left after it loses its ninth life?

Nein lives

What do you call a German scientist who runs out of beer glasses?

Nein Stein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Hitler with Osama bin laden?

Nein 11

A Six walks into a bar

The bartender says, “we don’t serve your kind here”

The Six leaves and comes back whilst doing a handstand.

The bartender looks confused, “aren’t you the guy who was just in here?”

“Nein”

A Lufthansa pilot...

...landed his AirBus A320 at London's Heathrow Airport. An operations manager saw him deplaning and asked him if he had any trouble landing the plane since it was a bit windy.

"Nein," the pilot answered, "I let Otto land the plane."

"Otto? Is that your co-pilot?"

"Nein, my co-p...

A math teacher was lecturing his class

Suddenly, the professor popped a question,‘What is ((353.44634×153×15)+799²-285)×69-0.2 equal to?’

The students were really confused, one who was extremely frustrated stands up and yells and slams on his table,‘NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!’ The teacher was impressed and said,‘ Cor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a website that steals all of Reddit's Hitler jokes?

Nein Gag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between a dead Hitler and a cat?

They both have nein lives.

A German is in a bar in the US

He wants to order something to drink for his wife and him.
"I'll have two martinis, please."
"Dry?" asks the bartender.

"NEIN, I SAID TWO!"

A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris

Customs officer: “Occupation?”

German: “Nein, just visiting.”

What do Germans call a dead battery?

A Nein- volt

Do Germans like Andy Samberg TV shows?

Nein Nein!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I swear people get 10 times cuter when they talk about what they're passionate about.

Unless it's Hitler.
Then it's only nein times cuter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my German girlfriend last night...

She likes to rate my performance out of 10 in bed.

I slipped it into her bum and she started screaming, "Nein, nein, nein!"

Thought to myself, "Wow, she must really like this".

What do you call an imaginary German Shepard?

K-nein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany

When a German girl walks by and screams “Ah Nein! “ The American guy says, “I’m flattered but I think it’s closer to 8.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was dating this girl but she turned out to be a nazi.

Nein/10

Why do Germans believe in procrastinating?

Because a stitch in time saves nein.

So, I asked my German grandfather hoe racist he was, scale of 1 to 10

He said "NEIN!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lost in Translation

In my youth I was a bit of a Lady's man and had quite my share of girlfriends.

At one point, while I was at university, I went to Germany for Erasmus and I met a university colleague that I ended up dating for a while.

She had the strange fetish of giving me a score whenever we made lo...

A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What time do German people never poop?

Nein turdy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when an airplane crashes in a Nazi concentration camp?

Nein Eleven

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People say Hitler had a big penis...

Nein inches.

Do you think Germans can count past eight?

Nein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was the code to hitler's secret bunker?

NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!

A German 6 walks into a bar

The barkeep yells "hey, get out, we don't serve 6's here". The 6 leaves, does a headstand, and walks back into the bar on its hands. The barkeep yells over "aren't you the 6 that was just in here". The 6 replies "nein".

Why are German flashlights always dead?

They use Nein Volt Batteries.

What do you call a Mexican that is a 1/3 German?

Nein Juan Juan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler, one out of ten how much does your art suck?

NEIN!!!!

Do Germans know the number that comes after 8?

Nein.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.