I just won a million dollars and I donated a quarter to charity!

I now have $999999.75 left.

A man is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and is at the million dollar question.

The question is "which of these birds doesn't build its own nest? a.the cuckoo b. the sparrow c. the eagle or d. the red-tailed hawk. He only has "phone a friend left", so he calls his friend and repeats the question. His friend immediately says it's the cuckoo. The guy asks if he's sure and he says...

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If I had one million dollars, I'd pay your mom to have sex with me.

Afterward, I would probably invest the remaining nine hundred ninty nine thousand nine hundred ninty nine dollars

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks: madam, would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars?

WOMAN: yeah, sure.
MAN: How about for 10 dollars?
WOMAN: 10 dollars? What kind of woman do you think I am?!
MAN: We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just negotiating the price.

A wife asked her husband,If you got a million dollars as lottery and kidnappers kidnapped me and asked a ransom of million dollars, what would you do?

The husband said, I don't think I could get 2 jackpots on the same day.

How to have a million dollars

Have $999,900. Have a yard sale.

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

How do you get a million dollars as a bicycle shop owner?

Start with two million.

I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards

I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"

Musicians! How do you make one million dollars playing jazz?

You start with two mil. Ba-dum-tss!

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?

You wake up.

You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it?

Run for president.

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

A genie offered me either +10 million dollars or +10 IQ points. I took the +10 IQ points.

Damn I was stupid.

Sheldon, Howard and Raj saved up 1 million dollars each

Leonard only had a penny

A man wins a lottery worth 1 Million dollars.On the same day, his wife asks him what would you do with the money if I left you today?

He replied, "That's not possible, you cannot win 2 lotteries on the same day!"

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

My son asked me: "would you sell me for a million dollars?!?"

I said "never in a million billion years!!"

He asked "what about 2 million"

I said "are you kidding me?!? In this economy? Sorry little man"

Man: "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

Woman: "You bet!"

Man: "Ok then. How about two dollars?"

Woman: "Go to hell! Who do you think I am?!"

Man: "I know that much. Now all that's left is the price."

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An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.

Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"

Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"

Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."

Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a milli...

Million dollar question

A wise old monk came upon a young man sitting alone sighing to himself.
Wise monk: "What troubles you, young man?"

Young man: "I'm depressed. I have good qualifications. Work hard at my job. But yet, I still have found no success and am broke as a pauper."

The wise monk: "But yo...

I live under a 4 million dollar roof.

Bridges sure are expensive.

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.

5 minutes before the bell, Bob handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Bob!" yelled the teacher. "You've done nothing. Why?"

"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do."

Figured out my million dollar idea. It’s a shampoo specifically for men’s genitalia. (nsfw)

I’m calling it Head And Boulders!

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch ...

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

How do you hide a million dollars from the FBI?

Give it to the CIA, those two don't share anything.

I just bought a 2 million dollar house and a 500,000 dollar sports car with my beautiful new wife and fantastic job.

Yes, my life has certainly gotten better since I took up lying.

A politician spends 500 million dollars on his own campaign...

And all he gets is American Samoa

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A 90 year old man wins the Powerball for 400 million dollars..

He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm. First reporter asks "What is your full name?" He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum. Second reporter asks "What are you going to do now?" Ira replies "First, I am ...

"I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish."

"What is my wish?" you ask?

"That somebody would give me two million dollars."

"You said you had between ten and fifteen million dollars in the bank," she yelled.

"I didn't lie," I replied, "I've got exactly $23."

A man won $100 million dollars in the lottery. Realizing he could buy whatever he wanted, he switched to gold toilet paper and secured a generous supply of daily burrittos

In a single year, his entire winnings were wiped out.

Frog wants a million dollar loan



A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says



"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"



"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"



"One million dollars." replies the fr...

Asian guy goes into bank to check on his million dollars!!!

Asian: why do I only have 999 900 dollars instead of 1 million dollars

Bank teller: Fluctuations

Asian: Fluck you too.

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I made a million dollars in October, it's now mid-November and I'm fucking broke.

I hate working at he Mint.

Your wife is our hostage. You have 12 hours to send us one million dollars or we'll kill her!

Upon reading this text message, the husband responds...

My wife is actually sleeping right next to me, safe and sound but please tell me more about this deal, I may be interested.

A man with heart problems wins 100 million dollars

A group of his friends are the only people who know about this and they debate how they should tell him, considering that due to his condition such a sudden news might cause his heart to stop because of joy.
So they decide that the most calm person in the group would go tell him.

The frien...

How do you win 1 million dollars at the casino?

Start with 5 billion.

The real 150 million dollars question.

Why did reddit accept 150mil from Tencent?

Husband is reading Indecent Proposal review during breakfast and asks his wife: *honey would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?*

Wife: *where am I going to get that kind of money*

I am an ex-demolitionist fired for accidentally destroying five million dollars worth of property. AMA!

Edit: Wow, I wasn't expecting this to blow up!

An old farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery...

... and is being interviewed. The reporter asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I reckon the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills."
"And what about the rest?" the reporter continued.
The farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."

A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

News anchor: So what will you do with the money?

The graduate: I will pay off my student loans.

News anchor: And what will you do with the rest?

The graduate: They'll have to wait...

Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man?

It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.

“Take this number four out of my hand and I’ll give you one million dollars. However, a complete stranger to you will die,” said the man in a back alley.

“No!” the other man responded, “I would never four give myself”

So a man asked a woman " I'll pay you a million dollars to sleep with me" she said "yes" the man then asked "what can I get for a dollar?" She said "what kinda person do you think I am?"

The man replied "that's already been determined. I'm negotiating."

If you had to choose between a long lasting relationship and 10 million dollars

What color would your Porsche be ?

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

A strange man told me that he would give me 1 million dollars, but the person I loathed most in the world would get 1 billion dollars. He asked if I would accept?

"Easy," I replied, "Of course I'll take it."


"I'm just not sure what I'm going to do with 1.001 billion dollars"

If you are worth 75 million dollars, then you are able to see anyone in the world just by asking.

If you are worth 75 billion dollars, then you are able to see anyone in the world without asking.

How do you get a million dollars?

Invest a billion dollars with Donald Trump

My friend asked me what I'd choose, a night with any lady of my liking or a million dollars

I said a million dollars because then I could have more than one night with the lady

What's the best way to make a million dollars in racing?

Start with 2 million.

I just saw Star Wars Solo, a 250 million dollars movie, and thought:

Wow, it's so expensive to bore me.

A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."

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Would you suck someone's dick for a million dollars?

"Well I suppose. I'm not sure where I'd find a million dollars though."

If I had a million dollars for every time I lost money...

I'd have $43.

I would trade my legs for 5 million dollars

But I don't think it would be worth it in the long run

So, I hit the lottery for two million dollars.....

The first thing I did was to call my wife. I tell her I hit the lottery for two million dollars, pack your bags. She asks me "should I pack for cold weather or warm".
I told her that I didn't care, just be out by the time I get home.

Borrow a million dollars, and the bank owns you.

Borrow a 100 billion dollars and you own the bank.

Borrow $69 trillion dollars and you are the United States of America.

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Did you hear about the woman who spent 1 million dollars on plastic surgery for her butt?

What a waist...

2.1 million dollars worth of textbooks have been recently stolen from a warehouse.

Police have successfully recovered all eight books.

A billionaire has a billion dollars. A millionaire has a million dollars. What do you call a person with ten dollars?

A college student.

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A man walks into a bar and opens his suitcase revealing a million dollars in cash.

"I'll give this million dollars to the first person who can sing "Auld Lang Syne" and give me head at the same time."

Immediately people started a stampede, men, women and children all alike, towards the mans crotch. They whipped his dick out and started battling over who gets to do the "perf...

what's the difference between a bunch of cameras and a million dollars?

i haven't hid a million dollars inside your house

What do you call a small loan of a million dollars?

Trump Change

Do you want to hear a joke about a million dollars?

Nah, not like your ever gonna get it.

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An old Jewish man won the state lottery winning 100 million dollars

Since this was the largest lottery in the states history, the news decided to interview the man on tv. At the end of the interview the reporter asked one final question.

"Do you plan on donating any of that money."

"Of course, I have already donated 3 million"

"Wow can you tell ...

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A man offers a woman at a bar a million dollars...

to have sex with him, after not much debate the woman agrees and says "absolutely".

The man with a smile on his face then says "will you have sex with me for $100".

The woman snarls back at him "What kind of woman do you think I am?"

The man gingerly replies "We have already ...

Who is more content, the man with 10 children or the man with 10 million dollars?

The man with 10 children because he doesn’t want any more.

The janitor at the bank managed to rob 21 million dollars.

He made a clean getaway!

how did the art student make a million dollar work of art?

He started with 2 million.

In 1973, the Six Million Dollar Man consisted of a bionic man with super powers...

In 2016, the Six Million Dollar Man consists of two hip replacements.

Kim Kardashian getting 6 million dollars stolen is a lot like if I got the condom that's been in my wallet since I was 12 stolen...

Am I gonna miss it? Yeah.
Was I gonna use it? No.

El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.

Did you hear about the new $5 million dollar Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $5 for a million years.

Revealed at last: The secret of how you can start your own business and end up with a million dollars!

Start with ten million.

Today, I started on my second million dollars!

I gave up on my first.

A Million Dollars

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"

GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "GOD, how much is ...

What's the difference between a million dollar car and a pile of dead babies?

There's no million dollar car in my garage.

An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery.

"What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.

"Keep sending them!"

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If I gave you a million dollars

Man to woman: Let me ask you a hypothetical question. If I gave you a million dollars, would you have sex with me?

Woman: Well, I guess for a million dollars I probably would.

Man: Great! I really only have twenty bucks, so let's have sex!

Woman: Hey, are you calling me a prosti...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the story, goes back to the man to see what the problem is.

After asking the ...

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Harry was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard, he sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Harry asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Harry questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get one and I get one."

Harry brought over his wife and discussed about what to ...

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

Young David asked his wealthy grandfather, Sol, how he had made his money.

Sol said, "Well, David, it was 1955, and I was down to my last five cents. I went to the local market and invested that five cents in a large apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested the ten ce...

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A rich Arab guy wants to marry an American woman.

He approaches her but she doesn't like him. Instead of rejecting him, she tells him that she will only marry him if he can fulfil all her demands. He agrees to do anything for her.

First, she tells him that she will only marry him if he has a big house. He takes her to one of his mansions and...

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How about a little head?

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head. So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"

The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach o...

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​ Paddy's daughte‌‌r ha‌‌dn't come hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌.

When she finally returned, Paddy curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.
"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t me and your ma through?‌‌"
‌‌T...

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

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