UPJOKE
barryyonderbauxitebitbluffborderingbretoncancheapcricketbasemilyemmafoolinggerman

Lyin Jokes

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name?

Or was Snoop Lyin'?

Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday.

(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar..

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few drinks. After a while, they both get rather tipsy, and the giraffe passes out on the floor.

The man, feeling guilty about the giraffe, gets up to leave and starts for the door. The bartender stops him, saying, "Hey, you can't ju...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench... (NSFW)

3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench...

First old man says "Oy, I HATE gettin' old. It's getting to now where I can't take a good healthy piss anymore!"

Second old man nods: "You ain't lyin'. Getting old sucks. Just ONCE I wish I could take a big healthy shit like I used to whe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his raccoon

I was out drinking the other night and a man and his pet raccoon walk into the bar. It's about 7pm, in a near empty dive bar. Seemed a bit odd but as I watched I could tell they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night go...

I think my friend is lying when he claimed he reached the top of Mount Everest last year.

I’m not sure if…he made it up.

A joke I read somewhere.

A man walks into a bar and lays down a dead giraffe.

Bartender asks "What's that lyin' there?"

Man responds "That's not a lion. That's a giraffe."

If Trump loses the election at least he’ll get a movie deal

The Lyin’ King

Guy walks into a bar with a giraffe

They take a seat at the bar and start taking shots.

The giraffe gets blackout drunk and passes out on the floor.

Guy gets up and goes to leave the bar.

Bartender says “hey! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”

Guy says “it’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my Uncle tells. Makes me laugh every time..

Somewhere deep down south a man dials 9-1-1..

Operator: “Emergency services. Is there a problem?”

Man: “Hi, uhh ya. I jus’ came home and I foun’ my wife lyin’ dead on tha floor.”

Operator: “I am so sorry to hear that sir. How would you like us to assist you?”

Man: “Yea, u...

What do you call a dishonest ruler?

The Lyin’ King.

Judge Lance Ito was asked what the difference is between O.J. Simpson and Simba?

He replied: "Simba is an African lion. O.J. Simpson is a lyin' African."

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar...

They sit down and order 10 pints of beer. The bartender shrugs, but pours the beer and lines them up along the bar. They begin to slam back the pints, but the man finishes his first. The giraffe can't even make it to the last pint and passes out on the bar. The man laughs, pays the bill, and gets up...

Hey, I understand now. Trump's just trying to turn his presidency into his favorite musical.

The Lyin' King.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with his pet horse..

They proceed to get shitfaced and the horse passes out

As the man is leaving the bar, the barkeep says “hey, you can’t leave that lyin there”

to which the man replies: “that ain’t no lion, that’s my horse”

T'challa's father was the Black Panther first

but he was more of a lyin' king.

A young man goes off to college

A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I going to go about getting more dough?" Then he gets and idea and phones his father.

"Dad, you won't be...

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and asks for a shot of whiskey

The bartender asks him, "what is that thing and why's it in my bar?"

"That's my pet," the man replies. "He follows me everywhere and we both love a good drink."

Sighing, the bartender decides he doesn't have time to argue the semantics of bringing animals into bars and pours two shots,...

Up in the great white north, a man and his best friend, a moose, walk into a bar

As the night goes on, they get drunk, and eventually the moose passes out. The man pays his tab and decides that, since there is no way he can move the moose, he’ll just go home and meet up with his friend tomorrow.

As he's leaving, the barkeep yells out "Hey! You can’t leave that lyin' here....

Why should you never trust advice from a group of gryphons?

Half of them are lyin'.

A horse and a duck walk into a bar...

The bartender asks "what can I get for you?"

The duck replies "something strong, my friend here has just broken up with his wife"

The bartender gets them something strong and the horse drinks it all in one. The horse then collapses on the floor

The duck, embarrassed and startle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man named Dave…

… who lived alone in a small apartment. He was lonely and bored, so he decided to adopt a dog from the local shelter. He went there and saw many dogs of different breeds and sizes, but none of them caught his eye. Then he noticed a large, shaggy dog in the corner of the cage. It had long fur that co...

A young bear cub was roaming the jungle . An animal he had never seen before comes strolling out of the trees.

He asks " excuse me what kind of animal are you?"

The animal replys
" well, I am a tiger"

The bear acts suprised and says " are you sure? You don't look like a tiger."

The tiger says " Do you think I'm a lyin?"

An ostrich, a loin, and a giraffe...

An ostrich, lion, and giraffe decide to visit the local drinkery after a long day at work.

"I've got the first round!" says the Lion, and they all proceed to enjoy their beverages and talk about their day.

Soon enough their first round of drinks are empty. "Waitress!!" exclaims the ost...

A man walks into a bar...

with a giraffe. He and the giraffe get incredibly drunk. The giraffe falls to the floor with a thunderous crash. The man stands and begins to totter out of the bar. The bartender calls to him, saying, "Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' there!" The man calls back, "Izz *hic* izz not a lion, i...

A zookeeper walks into a pub with an elephant

and orders two beers. After a few hours and a few more drinks, the elephant collapses drunk on the floor. As the zookeeper stumbles for the door, the bartender calls after him, "Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' here!" The zookeeper slurs, "That's not a lion; it's an elephant."

Two giraffes walk into a bar

They end up doing a bunch of shots, and after a while one of them passes out drunk on the floor. The other giraffe decides it's time to leave and drunkenly decides to leave his buddy behind. As he heads to the door the bartender shouts after him

"Hey, you can't just leave that lyin' there!"<...

Longneck!

A guy walks into the bar with his giraffe and they order a drink. They drink for a while but realize it's almost closing time and they start to do shots. The bartender is a bit worried and finally says okay guys last call. So the man says give us two doubles. He tips generously so the bartender pour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patrick O'Reilly...

Patrick O’Reilly is at the pub one night when he climbs to feet: “I got one fer ya!” he says, “I got one!” The crowd quiets. “Here’s to spendin’ the rest o’ me life, lyin’ between the legs ‘o me wife!” It’s an easy audience, everyone’s half cut, and wouldn’t you know? He wins the prize for best toas...

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar...

He orders a beer for himself, and one for the giraffe too. They each have 5 beers, and after they finish the fifth one, the man says to the giraffe, "c'mon, it's time to go."

But the giraffe was too drunk to walk out, so it just collapses on the bar floor, and the man begins to walk out rega...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man's sex life

When God created the earth, he gathered all the creatures around him before setting them out onto the firmament. He told the gathered assembly that he was granting each species 20 years of sex.

Man was horrified. Disappointed, he stood up and simply said, "Thank you Lord," before sitting back...

Drunk Giraffe

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again.
They continue all night, ordering the same dri...

So a man owns a pet giraffe...

...and one day decides that he is peckish. So he goes down to his local McDonalds, giraffe in tow. He decides that he will have a hamburger; he buys one for the giraffe too. Then decides he's still hungry, so he has some fries. Again, the giraffe gets the same. The man then decides he is thirsty, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One crazy irish hunting trip

A solicitor from Dublin, while hunting in the West, brought down a fowl which landed in a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the wall to retrieve the bird, the elderly owner appeared asking what he was doing. The litigator replied, "I shot that bird y'see lyin there, and now I'm about to pic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Big Game Hunter Walks Into A Bar...

A big game hunter walks into a bar, dragging a giraffe with him.

He slaps it down on the bar and nods at the bartender and says "I bagged this'n in the safari, but right now I really need to piss."

As he's walking to the bathroom the bartender calls out "Hey! You can't leave that lyin'...

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.

The man and the giraffe start drinking. Being a giraffe in a bar of all places, the pair are quite popular and patrons buy them quite a few rounds of shots. As closing time approaches, the man and giraffe get up to leave, but the giraffe is too drunk and collapses on the ground. The man looks back, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My uncle Marty's drivin' home, right?

My uncle Marty's
drivin' home, right?

Bombed out of his tree, right? Just
hammered out of his gourd. Just wrecked.

This state trooper sees him, pulls him
over. So my uncle's fucked basically.

Got him out of the car,
tryin' to make him walk the line.

He gets ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Brit walks into a bar in Mississippi.

The bartender, taking note of the man's rather non-local appearance, shook his head and handed the man a beer - he didn't want to be at the butt-end of some lame joke.

The other bargoers, however, didn't seem to have the same inclination, and so began pestering the Brit.

"Well lookie h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old dog goes to college...

A young man is headed to college and he decides to take his old dog "Blue" with him.

The boy leaves his family and has a great first week on campus but quickly realizes he's run out of money.

He calls his dad and says, "Dad, there's this lady on campus that can teach dogs to talk. She...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.