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Hotline Jokes

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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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I called the Child Abuse Hotline

A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

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Hotline

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic. A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you. ...

I called the tinnitus hotline

but it just kept ringing :/

I don't know why I got fired from the suicide hotline...

I was doing a great job. They never called back for more help.

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

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Mental health hotline.



Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.


If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.


If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.


If y...

Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if...

Every fifth caller was a winner.

The Suicide prevention hotline in my country is truly a life saver.

I waited for a long time for them to pick up, I fell asleep and woke up without sucidal thoughts.

Thank you for calling the constipation hotline...

Please hold.

Hotline

A man that's tired of living decides to kill himself but first decides to call a suicide hotline
Man: "I'm sick and tired of living!"
Hotline worker: "hang in there buddy."

I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”

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If i call a sex hotline

do i have to tell them i have hearing aids?

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold.

They left him hanging.

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"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline

and says, "I think I need help. I've been having suicidal thoughts."

Then he hears the representative on the other end, "Well, congratulations. You're hired."

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.

I was being trained as a caller in a suicide prevention hotline...

...On my first day of training, my manager said;

"Let me show you the ropes!"

A radio station said to call their hotline to win a prize

All I got was a burnt hand

I run a suicide hotline.

A guy called me once, told me I had 60 seconds to convince him not to jump off his balcony on the 41st floor.

He must've confused me with the *anti*-suicide hotline.

I like calling the Psychic Hotline...

... and asking them what I'm wearing.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day

I got cut-off.

I called one of those psychic hotlines and said can you put me through to a large overweight fortune-teller please?

She said sorry, we only have mediums

Nike should operate a suicide hotline

And tell every caller to “just do it”

Suicide Hotline

Did you hear the government moved the suicide-hotline call center to the middle east to save money?

I called to talk to someone and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.

I rang the RSPCA hotline...

I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road

"Are they moving?" asked the operator

"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"

Thank you for calling the anonymous NSA hotline

What would you like to report, Peter?

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I called the shitpost hotline on reddit

They got excited and asked if I'd heard of r/jokes

Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline:

If at first you don't succeed...

I called into a suicide hotline

And they tried to save my life, talk about misleading.

I tried to order some rope on suicide hotline this morning...

Now for some reason they’re knocking on my door

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey...

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey in the microwave.

The hotline worker responded, “Uhhh... one minute...”

She said, “Thanks!” And immediately hung up.

Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I c...

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I called a suicide hotline in Japan.

They were really helpful. It was quick and painless.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.

My boss hates that I have started saying 'just do it'

Somehow he thinks it's inappropriate for 'suicide prevention hotline'

Seriously, why put the suicide hotline on the backs of buses?

Put it on the fronts.

So I went to Iraq for holidays...

And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home...
Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself.
So I called the suicide hotline...
They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane.

What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq?

A job offer

The one about the Pakistani Mental Health Hotline

*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?

*Caller*: My life sucks, I see no way out.

*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.

*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?

*Hotline*: How close are you to India?

*Caller*: Don't kno...

I called the abuse hotline and they were so rude to me

They said they only help victims

PRANK CALL I did when I was a kid.

PHONE RINGS

Person Answers - "Hello?"

Prankster - "Is this the suicide hotline?"

Person Answers - "Uh...No. Sorry you have the wrong number."

Prankster - I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!!

CLICK

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

Dark pickup lines

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you the suicide hotline?
Because I need to get your number.

Are you a noose?
Because I’d love to hang with you.

Are you a coffin?
Because I wish I was inside you.

Are you a death certificate?
Bec...

Dating life

If my relationship doesn't work out I want to be a suicide hotline doctor... I need a nice way to meet chicks with no strings attached.

I got fired just for advising people to go with their gut

I don't know what the suicide hotline's problem is

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn’t know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

Police said they were looking for a racist abuser.

I immediately called the hotline but they told me it wasn't a job advert.

I found a mouse in my toilet.

That's so sad. They have hotlines to prevent that sort of thing you know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Drake gets cocky, he calls me so I can hit him with a one-liner insult to keep him humble...

I’m his Hotline Zing!

A man wanted to commit suicide

But he hesitated and called the suicide prevention hotline.

Suicide prevention: Hello?

Man: I'm so tired of life. I just want to end it all... please, what do I do?

Suicide prevention: I know life can be tough... but just hang in there!

*a few minutes pass*

Suicide...

I was about to kill myself yesterday...

Had the noose tied and stool ready. Just when I was about to hang myself, I decide to call the National Suicide Hotline. I told them that I was going to hang myself. They said "Hang on for a moment".

new job in call center

I got a new job with the local suicide hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

Shia Labeouf got rejected for a job he applied for...

During a practice run he caused negative results.
Apparently he wasn't what the suicide hotline was looking for.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alzheimer's is a bitch.

A young man called his father to see if he had gotten any information about his memory problem.

"Hey Dad, did you call the Alzheimer's hotline earlier?"

"Yeah, but after a few minutes I got disconnected, so I couldn't get the information."

"Why didn't you just hit redial?"
...

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water...

A young boy starts choking on some pennies

The boys dad runs to him and tries to help him cough them out. After unsuccessfully helping, he grabs his phone and calls the local doctor for help.

"Doctor, My son had swallowed some pennies, and he is choking on them, please come quickly before he gets hurt"

"Sorry sir, I'm currently...

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MILK MILK MILK

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So he decided to test it on himself first.
He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic! He really had a good time as the equipm...

Shovels, Asses and Camels

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this ...

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