I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.....

They got excited and asked if I can drive a truck!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline

and says, "I think I need help. I've been having suicidal thoughts."

Then he hears the representative on the other end, "Well, congratulations. You're hired."

I called the tinnitus hotline

but it just kept ringing :/

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

Thank you for calling the narcissist hotline.

How can you help me today?

I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”

Hotline

A man that's tired of living decides to kill himself but first decides to call a suicide hotline
Man: "I'm sick and tired of living!"
Hotline worker: "hang in there buddy."

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"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if...

Every fifth caller was a winner.

‌‌I phone‌‌d th‌‌e Chil‌‌d Abus‌‌e Hotline.

A ki‌‌d answered‌‌, calle‌‌d m‌‌e ‌‌a cun‌‌t the‌‌n hun‌‌g up.

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

I lost my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.

A radio station said to call their hotline to win a prize

All I got was a burnt hand

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

What does Hillary Clinton day when she calls the suicide hotline?

“Hello, I’d like to place an order”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If i call a sex hotline

do i have to tell them i have hearing aids?

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

I was being trained as a caller in a suicide prevention hotline...

...On my first day of training, my manager said;

"Let me show you the ropes!"

Dark pickup lines

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you the suicide hotline?
Because I need to get your number.

Are you a noose?
Because I’d love to hang with you.

Are you a coffin?
Because I wish I was inside you.

Are you a death certificate?
Bec...

Nike should operate a suicide hotline

And tell every caller to “just do it”

I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road

"Are they moving?" asked the operator

"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey...

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey in the microwave.

The hotline worker responded, “Uhhh... one minute...”

She said, “Thanks!” And immediately hung up.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

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A frog telephones a psychic hotline

and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class."

Thank you for calling the anonymous NSA hotline

What would you like to report, Peter?

I like calling the Psychic Hotline...

... and asking them what I'm wearing.

I run a suicide hotline.

A guy called me once, told me I had 60 seconds to convince him not to jump off his balcony on the 41st floor.

He must've confused me with the *anti*-suicide hotline.

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts.

Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called the shitpost hotline on reddit

They got excited and asked if I'd heard of r/jokes

I tried to order some rope on suicide hotline this morning...

Now for some reason they’re knocking on my door

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called a suicide hotline in Japan.

They were really helpful. It was quick and painless.

What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq?

A job offer

Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline:

If at first you don't succeed...

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.

Middle Eastern suicide hotline

A man living in Iraq calls in the the suicide hotline and he says to the operator " I'm feeling very suicidal and don't feel like living anymore"
The operator replies to him " well sir can you drive a truck".

Seriously, why put the suicide hotline on the backs of buses?

Put it on the fronts.

So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day

I got cut-off.

I called into a suicide hotline

And they tried to save my life, talk about misleading.

So I went to Iraq for holidays...

And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home...
Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself.
So I called the suicide hotline...
They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane.

The one about the Pakistani Mental Health Hotline

*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?

*Caller*: My life sucks, I see no way out.

*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.

*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?

*Hotline*: How close are you to India?

*Caller*: Don't kno...

I called the abuse hotline and they were so rude to me

They said they only help victims

Suicide Hotline

Did you hear the government moved the suicide-hotline call center to the middle east to save money?

I called to talk to someone and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.

I called the Incontinence Hotline today...

...they said, "Please Hold."

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn’t know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

I got fired just for advising people to go with their gut

I don't know what the suicide hotline's problem is

The Suicide Hotline is Unbearable

They always leave people hanging.

Police said they were looking for a racist abuser.

I immediately called the hotline but they told me it wasn't a job advert.

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water...

A man wanted to commit suicide

But he hesitated and called the suicide prevention hotline.

Suicide prevention: Hello?

Man: I'm so tired of life. I just want to end it all... please, what do I do?

Suicide prevention: I know life can be tough... but just hang in there!

*a few minutes pass*

Suicide...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, my pension, the high cost of housing...

... so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in the Mid East and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

PRANK CALL I did when I was a kid.

PHONE RINGS

Person Answers - "Hello?"

Prankster - "Is this the suicide hotline?"

Person Answers - "Uh...No. Sorry you have the wrong number."

Prankster - I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!!

CLICK

I was about to kill myself yesterday...

Had the noose tied and stool ready. Just when I was about to hang myself, I decide to call the National Suicide Hotline. I told them that I was going to hang myself. They said "Hang on for a moment".

I found a mouse in my toilet.

That's so sad. They have hotlines to prevent that sort of thing you know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo Dildo

A man named Steve and his new bride lived a happy life together during their first few months of marriage. Steve and his wife had sex every single night and had never been apart from one another since they tied the knot. One evening though Steve came home from work and said "Darling, I have some b...

Shia Labeouf got rejected for a job he applied for...

During a practice run he caused negative results.
Apparently he wasn't what the suicide hotline was looking for.

new job in call center

I got a new job with the local suicide hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

Shovels, Asses and Camels

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this ...

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