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A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things start to heat up....

He takes his shirt off and then washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again. After watching this for a few minutes, the girl says, "I bet you're a dentist." Surprised he replies, "That's correct. How did you know?" "You keep washing your hands, so I figure you're used to it...

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

Take a night off

The married owners of a Chinese restaurant have been working hard and decide to take a night off to get their love life back on track.

As things heat up in the bedroom the wife, feeling adventurous, whispers "How about a 69?".

Her husband responds "Why do you want me to make Sweet and ...

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The little red man joke.

The little white woman was busy baking a cake. Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake. Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend he...

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

After learning physics I finally got it

You know how when things heat up, they expand?

That means I'm not fat, I'm hot.

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Its a story before lockdown

As Englisis my second language it all happened in Urdu my first language hope my translation makes sense

Me and my fat fried was traveling on a metro and I was listening to a song and I was deep in my imagination my eyes were open but I was not looking if that makes any sense

And aft...

A boyfriend is ending it up with his girlfriend on the phone......

Him: Babe, I'm breaking off with you. Your father threatened me yesterday.

Her: oh no! What did he say to you?

Him: he said "If you see my daughter ever again, I'll get a 12 inch iron rod and heat up half of it red hot and put the cold half up your ass"

Her: why the cold half...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

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Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

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Dad, is Santa real?

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the popul...

A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island

A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island and are all very hungry. They are delighted to find a large can of beans that has been washed up on the beach. Having no way to open the can they try to find a way to the beans. The physicist states that if he puts...

There has been some controversy lately...

...about what would happen if you put a lightsaber in water. Would it break? Would the water heat up or cool? Recent scientists have discovered the water will heat to about the internal temperature of a tauntaun...luke warm.

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NSFW A Trip to the Dentist

A man takes his girlfriend to his house to have some alone time. A few minutes into the Netflix and chill, things start to heat up. The man and his girlfriend start off with a little foreplay but it quickly escalates to a lot of 69.
After they finish their business the man tells his girlfriend t...

Wanna have an exciting night ?

A girl brings a guy home from the club.
Before they enter the house she mentions

Hope it's ok that I live at home with the family...

Yeah it's fine says the guy

They start to kiss and as thing start to heat up the girl says :

Oh BTW did I mention that my father is i...

One day, a man was watching a movie with his girlfriend at his house

A man decided to take his girlfriend back to his house after a date.

She had never been to his home before, and things were getting steamy during the movie.

Just as things were starting to heat up, the couple heard a scratching noise and the man was getting visibly annoyed.

The...

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New sex technique

A man and his wife are in bed and things start to heat up. After a little bit of foreplay the man suddenly stops. His wife asks "What's wrong? Is it me?" The man replies " No I learned this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

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[NSFW][Long] Little Johnny grew up afraid of women

His mother told him from an early age that women were dangerous, and that if he went anywhere near their private parts he would get hurt, because there were teeth in there, and they would bite him.

So years and years of Johnny avoiding women went by until one day, he was with a nice girl that...

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love,...

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I'd been a bit of a shut in computer nerd for a long while before I lost my virginity...

My parents forced me out on a date they arranged. To my surprise I manage to bring her home.

Still, I didn't know the first thing about women, completely clueless.

However, like a good nerd I was prepared. Right before the date I wrote a list of questions about sex on my laptop should...

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Economist joke, the only one I know and it's lovely

An Economist, a Chemist, and a Physicist are shipwrecked on an island with little food and water. Some canned food washes up and boy are they happy to see it, however, they are pretty upset that they don't have a can opener. The Chemist says, 'hey you know, there are all sorts of chemicals and shit ...

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I was at a party the other night.

I walked into the rager eager for a drink to quell my thirst, it was 9pm and things were just starting to heat up. A few steps through the door and I was greeted by a petit partygoer with flashing lights in her hair, she said something but I couldn't hear her over the DJ, but I wasn't really interes...

Two Canadians Are in Hell

Two Canadians are in hell, wearing winter coats and seem pretty cheerful.

The devil says to them "Why are you wearing such heavy coats?"

They say "Oh, it's a nice day in Canada!"

So the devil cranks the heat up.

The Canadians are now in shorts, tee shirts and playing base...

A farmer dies and goes to hell

While down there the Devil notices that the farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy.

The farmer says, "I like it here. The temperature is just like plowing my fie...

A SEAL and his Sculpture

There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies fr...

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Hmmm Metric or Imperial?

"In metric, one milliliter of water occupies one cubic centimeter, weighs one gram, and requires one calorie of energy to heat up by one degree centigrade—which is 1 percent of the difference between its freezing point and its boiling point. An amount of hydrogen weighing the same amount has exactly...

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