Hard Of Hear Jokes - 69 Hilarious Hard Of Hear Jokes

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Hard of Hearing Genie

(Sorry its a long joke, but worth it I promise)

So a man walks into a bar with a burlap sack. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.

The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to...

I was born because my mother was hard of hearing...

Every night, when my parents would get into bed, my father would ask "*So... Do you want to go to sleep or what?"*

And my mother would say, "*WHAT?"*

Why is the government so worried about a Hispanic felon who's hard of hearing?

Because that's Deaf-Con Juan.

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing.

So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start abou...

The hard of hearing stoner...

got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.

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Nsfw.The hard of hearing genie.

Three people ran into a genie on their way home.
The genie was holding a sign that read he will grant one wish per person, but the he is hard of hearing so wish carefully.
The first wisher, a young man, yelled his wish.
A twelve inch penis.
What he got was a twelve inch pianist.
The s...

A group of hard of hearing people are protesting

"What do we want?"

"Hearing aids!"

"When do we want it?"

"Hearing aids!"

After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.

After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.

A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "You're hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."...

Hard of Hearing

I went to the Doctors yesterday as my ears were a bit blocked and I couldn't hear too well.
The Doctor asked if I could describe the symptoms, I told him the Father is called Homer and is fat and his wife is called Marge with big blue hair.

A Canadian accidentally bumped into a hard of hearing person.

Legend has it that they're still saying sorry to each other.

Three old men, hard of hearing

Three old men, hard of hearing, are waiting at a bus stop on a hill, it’s winter time.
The first man goes as he’s shivering “brrrr, it’s windy”!
The second one responds “it’s not Wednesday, it’s Thursday”,
And the third man says “I’m thirsty too, let’s go grab a beer”!

I was talking to a guy who was hard of hearing

It turns out he was decabled.

A lady’s dog is diagnosed as hard of hearing...

Her vet says it’s because of the hair growing in its ears. So, she goes to the pharmacist with a prescription for a hair removal ointment.

The pharmacist tells her: “ If it’s for under your arms, use a quarter cup, if it’s for your legs, use a full cup.”

She says, “actually, it’s fo...

Being hard of hearing can be quite challenging to live with

Got invited to a breeding circle but all everyone did was look at books.

An elderly, hard of hearing woman goes to the doctor.

After his questions, the doctor proceeds to examine her.

He says - Mrs. Walker. Big breaths.....

She chuckles - Oh thanks, but you should have seen them when I was young.

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A old Man and his hard of hearing wife pull up to a gas station.

Attendant: what will it be sir?
The Old man says just fill it up
Wife yells: what did he say?
Old man yells back angrily “ I just told him to FILL IT UP!”

Attendant says lovely day we’re having isn’t it?
Old man replies why yes it is, and his wife yells “what did he say?”
The f...

My wife is hard of hearing . . .

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her....

3 men, hard of hearing: "Its Windy out, isn't it?"

"No, it's Thursday", responds the second; to which the third replies "Me too, let's go grab a beer".

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[NSFW] An elder couple were sitting in their broken down car on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck.

The tow truck arrives and the driver walks up to the car as the old man who was driving, rolls down his window.

Driver: Hello folks. What seems to be the problem?

Elder lady: WHAT???

Elder man: Sorry my wife is hard of hearing.

Then he looks at his wife and yells out...

How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard of hearing?

HEY! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!

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A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!"

The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.

The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?"

The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!"

As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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Two guys are out on a boat in the middle of a lake.

One guy takes out a cigar and asks the other if he has a lighter on him.
His friend pulls out one of those long lighters and passes it to him.
He says “wow that’s quite a lighter you keep on you.”
His friend responds, “yeah I got it from a genie.”
“A genie?” He asks, “you really have a g...

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano.

*Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The*
*bartender replied that inside the closet there is a* genie *that will grant him a single wish.*

*The man* dashed *into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.*

*Wit...

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A man walks into a bar

and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him.

So the man wal...

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

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A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”

He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner,...

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.

So she explains, slowly and patiently:

"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

I was talking with a man who had 24 kids...

I asked him how come he had so many kids.

He said, "Well, you see, my wife is hard of hearing."

I asked him what that had to do with anything.

He said, "Every night I ask her 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and every night she replies, 'What.'"

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An elderly man and his wife buy an RV to hit the road and see the world.

They stop at a gas station and the friendly attendant strikes up a conversation. He asks where they’re headed. The wife is hard of hearing so she asks what the man said and her husband tells her. Then the guy asks how far they’re planning to go. The wife again asks her husband what the man said and ...

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Guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a drink. He's carrying a brown paper bag, which he sets down on the bar.

The bartender asks "What's in the bag?" The guy says "Wanna see?" He reaches into the bag and pulls out a very tiny grand piano and sets it on the bar. Then he reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny...

A woman walks into a dry cleaner...

and says "I've got another dress for you"
The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, reply "come again?"
The woman responds with "No this time its mustard"

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Two oldsters in a retirement home decide to get married.

But before they can do so, a doctor gives each one a physical to make sure that consummating the marriage would not be too dangerous for them.

He examines the man first, all is OK.

Then he examines the woman. He comes out with a rather somber look on his face and says to the man: «...

A slender woman met her friend for brunch. Talk turned to the renovations the friend was doing on her very old home.

The friend complained that, due to the very old carpentry and fixtures in the home, she needed a pair of oversized drill bits but couldn't find them anywhere. The first friend pulled out a pair of huge drill bits from her purse and asked if they would do. The second friend was thrilled and asked whe...

A man walks into a bar, takes a small piano out of his bag and then a tiny man. the tiny man starts playing the piano.

The bartender asks the gentleman "what's up"?
The gentleman explains how he found a magic lamp with a genie inside and he grants wishes. The gentleman says if you give me a couple free drinks I will gladly let you make a wish.
The bartender thinks, ok what's the worst that can happen.
The b...

A man walks into a bar...

As he walks into the bar, he notices a small man playing the piano, about a foot tall.

Fascinated by how small the man is, he goes up to the bartender and asks, "Excuse me sir, how did you find that little piano man?"

The bartender explains. "Well, one day I was walking along the beac...

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

A young woman walks into a dry cleaner

She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"

She responds, "No, it's yogurt"

If a deaf person has to go to court...

...is it still a hearing?

I am hard of hearing myself, I found it funny. I am going to hell.

Two guys were on a golf course playing a couple rounds when one turns to the other and says "Hey man, do you have a lighter?" the other guy opens up a compartment on his golf bag and says "Yeah, here you go." and hands the first guy this giant lighter.

The first guy says "Man that's a huge lighter, where'd you get this?" the other guy says "Oh, well, there's this genie lamp I found, rubbed it, genie came out, and said he'd grant me one wish." The first guy says "Wow, that's crazy, do you still have the lamp?" The other guy opens up another compart...

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In a bar (long)

I forget where I heard this one but it’s one of my favorites.

A man walks into a bar and sits down looking very miserable. Another man sees him and asks “having a bad day?” To which the first man responded “I just got married and put a down payment on our dream house, overextended our credit...

A man is talking to the family doctor.

"Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to ...

A senior citizen goes to yearly physical

The doctor asks for urine sample, stool sample and sperm sample
The man being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks "what did he say?"

The wife yells back to him "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR "

It was hard and wet for her

(Based on a true story)

An economics professor was hard of hearing, so she couldn’t hear her students. She spoke so softly that her students couldn’t hear her either, so they fell asleep during class—except for one class when she said the words “It was hard and wet for her!” loudly and c...

Woman: Doc, I’m farting constantly! No smell and no sound. Since I came in, I must have farted at least 20 times. I bet you never noticed?!

Doctor: I got it, I got it.
I’ll write you a prescription for some medicine. Come back next week.
A week later
Woman: Doc, What the hell did you give me? Now my farts are still silent but they reek like hell!!
Doctor: Perfect! Your stuffy nose is all better. Now we just need to tak...

A man walks into a bar.

He sees his friend there, holding a ten inch bic lighter. So naturally, he asks his friend - Where did you get that bic?

The friend replies - I got it from my genie.

You have a genie?

Yes - says the friend, and puts him on the counter.

Can I make a wish?

Yes.
<...

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In elderly man and his wife are on their way to Florida for vacation.

He pulls into a gas station to refuel. As he's refueling, a guy at the next pump next pump says "I see you're from Ohio".

The man replies "Yes I am"

His wife (a little hard of hearing) yells out of the window "What'd he say"?

The husband say's "He noticed that we are from Ohio"....

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Do I Know You?

An older couple from Detroit are driving through Florida one afternoon when they are pulled over by a state police vehicle for speeding.

The patrolman approaches the car, and asks to see the man's license and registration. His wife, who is hard of hearing, yells out "WHAT DID HE SAY??!" The ...

Pravda

In 1996, after Pravda ceased publication, a Russian man goes to a newspaper vendor.

Man: Give me a copy of Pravda, please.

Vendor: I'm sorry. Pravda has shut down. It's no longer available.

The man nods and leaves. A few minutes later he returns.

Man: I want to buy a copy...

A man walks into a bar…

Sitting on the bar top there is a tiny man playing a tiny piano.

“Wow!” Said the customer, addressing the bartender “That’s amazing! Where on earth did you find him?”

The bartender replied “In the back there is a genie that will grant you any wish.”

Shocked, the man asked if he ...

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Dr. Visit

An old man goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the old man is hard of hearing.

After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "I need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor an...

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An retired elderly couple visit London..

They get picked up from the airport in a london black cab and head off into the city for some adventure.

The cab driver say "where you from guvnor?"

Husband. "we're from South Africa"..

The wife is a little hard of hearing asks her husband.

"What did he say?"

The ...

Three nuns are sitting on a bench talking about their vacations...

The first nun says, 'I just got back from Brazil, and they had the biggest bananas I've ever seen. They were this thick, and this long!', holding up her fingers to show the width and her hands to show the length.

The second nun says, 'Well I just got back from Florida, and they had the bigg...

A man walks into a bar

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants...

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The other day I was so frustrated I yelled out, “Fuck my life.”

It had really been a rough week of work and everything else. Anyways fast forward to today and I come back home from work to catch my neighbor sleeping with *my* wife in *my* bedroom, and had the audacity to smile at me and wink and give me a thumbs up.

When the neighbor noticed that I was a...

An old man and his wife were in the kitchen 1 day

The man was very hard of hearing and made breakfast for his wife. The woman enjoyed it very much and said “honey I’m so proud of you”
The man couldn’t hear so he responded “huh” the woman than said it a little bit louder, “Honey I said I am proud of you!” The man still couldn’t hear and said “huh...

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Harold and Phil are out golfing

Phil craves a smoke, so he pulls out a cigarette and asks Harold if he has a light.

"Sure", says Harold. He reaches into his golf bag and pulls out a massive foot-long gas lighter.

"Wow, where did you get that huge lighter?" asks Phil.

"My genie", says Harold.

"Your... ge...

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Old guy goes to see his doctor...

He’s a little hard of hearing so brings along his wife to help hear for him.

The nurse says “OK Mr. Jones, I’m gonna need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample.”

“The old guy turns to his wife and asks ‘what did she say?’ ”

“She needs your underwear, darling.”

An Old Man Goes to the Doctor

He brings his wife with him, and when the doctor asks why she's in the exam room too the wife replies that her husband is hard of hearing and she is there to help him understand.

The doctor says "Alright, sir. Please get on the scale." The man looks at his wife and she shouts "HE WANTS TO...

Twins celebrating their 102nd Birthday (Long)

The editor of a local paper hears about these two twins in the retirement home Harriet and Hazel who is celebrating their 102nd Birthday. He needs a feel-good story for filler so he sends down a photographer to snap some pictures.

He gets there and asks the twins if he can take their picture...

A little old lady is late for work

And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying "And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up." Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. "He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up." The boy replied mischi...

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A man walks into a bar.....

This man walks into a bar. He sees that there are only two people there. The bartender and a lady sitting at the end of the bar. He also notices several odd things, like groups of animals and various other odd sights. He goes to the bartender and asks 'got a light, and what's up with this bar?' The ...

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[LONG] [NSFW] Two guys are in a boat fishing

One guys pulls out a cigarette and says to the other, "Hey man, do you have a light?"
The other guy goes into his tacklebox and pulls out a 10-inch lighter and hands it to him.
As he lights his cigarette, he says "Hey that's really neat, where did you get a lighter this big?"
"Oh, I have ...

10 Inch Bic

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long cigarette lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man...

A 12 inch.....

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.

“I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.

“WOW!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”...

What Did He Say?

Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. Selma was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

Morty yel...

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A man walks into a bar with a box in hand.

He says to the bartender, "Pour me a drink and I'll show you something you've never seen before." The bartender pours a drink, and the man sets the box on the bar and opens it. Inside a miniature piano player is playing Chopin on a miniature piano.

"Where did you get that?" asks the bartender...

The Pianist

A man walked into a bar and from his pocket he pulled a tiny piano and a tiny seat. He set these on the counter. Then from his other pocket he pulled a tiny man. The tiny man sat at the piano and began playing. People in the bar gathered around with amazement.

The bartender says, “where did ...

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