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Half Full Jokes

Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full?

Applicant: It's completely full.

Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory.

An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?

Dave: because you’re a pessimist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife the age old question. Is the cup half full, or half empty?

She replied;
"Stop wearing my fucking bra!!!!!"

Half empty or half full?

Doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, the point is,, You need to buy a different size bra.

Glass half full

Optimist thinks the glass is 1/2 full.

Pessimist thinks the glass is 1/2 empty.

Excel knows the glass is February the 1st.

People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.

I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,

I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At first dates, every woman I ask says they're a "glass half full person...

But when I tell them I was talking about my dick, suddenly 3 inches means their glasses are all half empty

People are always saying, is the glass half full or empty..

Who cares....there's room for some vodka.. who all wants some?

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

If your cup is half full...

You probably need a different bra.





P.S. I don't know if this counts as a joke, so sorry in advance.

Materialists don't really think about whether the glass is half full or half empty.

They care more about whether the glass is expensive.

An optimist says the glass of wine is half full, the pessimist says it’s half empty, and the realist says it’s not one or the other, but exactly halfway filled.

Meanwhile while the three are arguing, the opportunist comes in and drinks the entire glass of wine.

What's it called when a cat meows for food when their bowl is half full?

Fake Mews

A blonde walks into a blind date

“Nice to meet you” she says to her date as they seat themselves in the booth

“So tell me about yourself. What do you do for work?” She asks the man

“Oh I’m an optometrist” he replies

The blonde flashes a big smile and says “I think this is going to work out after all, I’m a gl...

Scientists have discovered a stone tablet 60,000 years old inscibed with pictographs describing the idea of "the glass half empty or half full."

They are calling the prehistoric philosopher "optimist prime."

There are 3 types of people

Them: "the glass is half full"

Others: "the glass is half empty"

Me: "they didn't get my order right"

A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude


---------------/


An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.


"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"


"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A glass of water is on the table

The optimist says its half full.

The pessimist says its half empty.

The drunk says, who dafuc put water in my scotch glass.

Source, me, recovering drunk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has a good harvest and decides to buy a barrel of wine to celebrate with his wife.

He brings it home and sets it outside of their cottage, and he and his wife celebrate their success.

The next day, the farmer wakes to find the barrel is now only half full, but they'd only had a few glasses each. Furious about the thievery, he posts a sign saying, "This wine belongs to Farm...

Ye old merry jokes

There are 3 milk bottles outside of a castle. 2 are full, 1 is half full. What's the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd.

His cup doth runneth over

Some people think the cup is half full, some think the cup is half empty, I think the cup is an important piece of sporting equipment that doesn't need to have its content measured

Snails for Dinner

This guy and his wife lived somewhere where it was fairly common to go out and gather snails and cook them as a delicacy.

So they were having a dinner party, and the wife asks the husband to go get some snails to serve as appetizers. He takes a bucket and goes out and sets about his task. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Post-humor

A country man milks a cow. Only the bucket was half full the cow jerks its leg and knocks over the bucket. Then the man found some rope and standing on a stool tied the cow by the leg to the crossbar on
the ceiling.

When the bucket is half full again the cow kicks the bucket again and it o...

Once upon a time in a bar far far away....

The "Pessimist" saw cups half EMPTY

The "Optimist" saw the cups half FULL









*The woman slapped them both for staring !*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some guys get pretty down on themselves for having a small penis.

But I'm a vagina half full kind of guy

Thanos seems like an optimistic guy.

You know, universe half full kind-of-guy.

I'm more optimistic than most.

Some say the glass is half empty, some would say it's half full.
I'd say "Hey, That's a nice glass!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"We got plenty of those where I come from." NSFW

So... an American, Russian, and a Mexican are sitting on the edge of the Grand Canyon just hanging out as they so often do. After a while the Mexican pulls out a huge joint and sparks it up. He proceeds to smoke only half of it and tosses the rest into the canyon. The Russian says "Hey man, why didn...

How to catch an elephant.

So the first thing you want to do when trying to catch an elephant is dig a really big hole. They're absolute units so a REALLY big hole.
Next you need to burn stuff, you just need the soot and ashes so it doesn't matter what you burn. Once you have a lot of soot and ashes built up, you need t...

A Psych Professor was conducting an experiment with a Psych Student...

There was half of a glass of water sitting on a small table. They would have the subjects of the experiment (other students from the University) come in and describe what they see. Depending on the students’ answers, they would determine their personality type.

The first student comes in and ...

Engineer smarts.

An optomist, a pessimist, and an engineer were all shown a 24 ounce glass with 12 ounces of water in it.

The optomist looked and said, "the glass is half full."

The pessimist looked and said, "the glass is half empty."

The engineer looked and said, "there's twice as much glass...

Punch line needed

So, I was in a meeting today and I pretended to start telling a joke when I said "What did the half full glass of water say to the half empty glass of water sitting next to it?"

Well, they all tried to come up with something, but couldn't. Then they all looked at me and wanted the punch line...

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