### I went back in time to become the first person to say the glass was half full.

You can refer to me as "optimist prime."

### There is a half full glass of water on the table.

An optimisit sees the glass half full. A pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist always sees the glass full, half with liquid and half with air.

### World is half full of pessimists...

Or half empty, depends how you look at it

### Optimist: The glass is half full

Pessimist: The glass is half empty

Amber heard: The glass beat me up

### An optimist says the glass of wine is half full, the pessimist says it’s half empty, and the realist says it’s not one or the other, but exactly halfway filled.

Meanwhile while the three are arguing, the opportunist comes in and drinks the entire glass of wine.

### A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?

Dave: because you’re a pessimist.

Fake Mews

### A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude

---------------/

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

### People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.

I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,

I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!

### Scientists have discovered a stone tablet 60,000 years old inscibed with pictographs describing the idea of "the glass half empty or half full."

They are calling the prehistoric philosopher "optimist prime."

Optimist Prime.

### If your cup is half full...

You probably need a different bra.

P.S. I don't know if this counts as a joke, so sorry in advance.

### A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

### There are 3 types of people

Them: "the glass is half full"

Others: "the glass is half empty"

Me: "they didn't get my order right"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### My penis is quite small

Luckily my girlfriend is an optimist, so her pussy is always half full.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.

"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"

"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thi...

### Drunk On A Bus

A very drunk man gets on a bus and stumbles into the seat next to a priest. His tie is stained, his face is covered in lipstick smears and a half full bottle of scotch is sticking out his coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and starts to read, but after a few minutes turns to the priest and a...

### A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

### Ye old merry jokes

There are 3 milk bottles outside of a castle. 2 are full, 1 is half full. What's the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Post-humor

A country man milks a cow. Only the bucket was half full the cow jerks its leg and knocks over the bucket. Then the man found some rope and standing on a stool tied the cow by the leg to the crossbar on
the ceiling.

When the bucket is half full again the cow kicks the bucket again and it o...

### How to catch an elephant.

So the first thing you want to do when trying to catch an elephant is dig a really big hole. They're absolute units so a REALLY big hole.
Next you need to burn stuff, you just need the soot and ashes so it doesn't matter what you burn. Once you have a lot of soot and ashes built up, you need t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A farmer had a donkey that will only eat part of its food.

It was very strong and fit, but whenever they were given food, they left a significant portion.

At one point, another farmer comes by and, seeing as how the donkey is big and strong, wants to buy it.

So the first farmer parts with his donkey.

The next day, the second farmer come...

### You ever been to an optimistic optometrist?

They’ll tell you that your glasses are half full.

### So there's a plane that's half criminals and half master tradesmen...

The plane is half full of criminals and half full of master craftsmen.

The pilot comes on over the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is overloaded, we need to bump half of you to another flight."

After deliberating with the mechanics and copilot for a while, the pilot comes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Some guys get pretty down on themselves for having a small penis.

But I'm a vagina half full kind of guy

### Once upon a time in a bar far far away....

The "Pessimist" saw cups half EMPTY

The "Optimist" saw the cups half FULL

*The woman slapped them both for staring !*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Four friends walk into a bar.

They each order a glass of wine. When they were served them, they all looked at their glasses.

The first friend inspected his carefully and determined that "Mine is half empty."

The second friend stared at his glass, looking at at and finally saying "Well, mine is half full."

Th...

### A Psych Professor was conducting an experiment with a Psych Student...

There was half of a glass of water sitting on a small table. They would have the subjects of the experiment (other students from the University) come in and describe what they see. Depending on the students’ answers, they would determine their personality type.

The first student comes in and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass

Saint peter is standing at the gates of heaven, now its been a long day and an uneventful one at that, so when he sees 3 men walking towards him he has an idea. Saint peter says to the men "Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass".
So the first man walks up and says: "Well I came home early be...

### Thanos seems like an optimistic guy.

You know, universe half full kind-of-guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A farmer is sitting in his front porch when a kid with a wagon walks by

Kid: Hey old man I seen some buttercups out in one of your fields. Mind if I go down there and make some butter?

Farmer: You can't get butter out of a butter cup ya dumb shit. But knock yer self out.

Hour later kid comes back with his wagon half full of butter and shows the farmer. ...

### His cup doth runneth over

Some people think the cup is half full, some think the cup is half empty, I think the cup is an important piece of sporting equipment that doesn't need to have its content measured

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### "We got plenty of those where I come from." NSFW

So... an American, Russian, and a Mexican are sitting on the edge of the Grand Canyon just hanging out as they so often do. After a while the Mexican pulls out a huge joint and sparks it up. He proceeds to smoke only half of it and tosses the rest into the canyon. The Russian says "Hey man, why didn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### There are three kinds of people...

The ones who say the glass is half full,

The ones who say the glass is half empty,

And the one who thinks you should have gotten a smaller glass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### The doctor joke (Long)

Two doctors are eating lunch in the cafeteria of the hospital they work at and one turns to the other and says “ my elbow hurts”.
The other doctor says “you should go to Wal-Mart”.
The first doctors says “...what!?”.
The second says “they have this new machine in the pharmacy, give \$10 and ...

### Engineer smarts.

An optomist, a pessimist, and an engineer were all shown a 24 ounce glass with 12 ounces of water in it.

The optomist looked and said, "the glass is half full."

The pessimist looked and said, "the glass is half empty."

The engineer looked and said, "there's twice as much glass...

### I'm more optimistic than most.

Some say the glass is half empty, some would say it's half full.
I'd say "Hey, That's a nice glass!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A young minister was just starting out at his first pastoral job.

He was still very shy and unconfident, having recently graduated Theology Classes in the lower percentile of his class.
His first appointment was to visit one of his members that supposedly was very ill and needed cheering up. This was his first visit to any of his congregation, and he nervously ...

### Ten Science Jokes for Nerds

* I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

* I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

* Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

* Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And ...

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