UPJOKE

Going To Work Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a stripper do to her asshole before going to work?

Drops him off at band practice.

I am going to work on being less condescending

Con-Dee-Send-Ing - That means I am not going to talk down to people.

Chinese man going to work at the stock market..

while dressing up in morning he says
''time for me to go in vest'''

A girl I’m dating works long hours at a bakery. I don’t think it’s going to work out.

She’s too kneady.

Melinda Gates: "Bill, I think our relationship is not going to work anymore..."

Bill: "Why don't we try to divorce and marry again?"

What did the buffalo say to his boy before going to work?

Bison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to work

My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired.

The worst part about going to work hungover

Is having to lie about having friends to drink with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

one morning before going to work, a wife asks his husband...

one morning before going to work, a wife asks her husband..."Can you fix our kitchen sink?" but he tells her that..."Hello! am I a plumber?!!" and she also tells him that... "how about our broken table?..." and the husband replies..."Hello! am I a carpenter?!!" and the husband goes to his work... wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra.

And she's a bitch.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I rear-ended a car going to work this morning.

I was fiddling with the radio and hit the car in front of me. Not hard, but it did a little damage. I was surprised to see the driver's door of the car I hit open, and out stepped a little person marching towards me with a very pissed off expression on his face. As I got out of my car, he says, "I'm...

I forgot my second "N" before going to work at the library today...

...let's just say this blunder will go down in the "Anals of History".

A man sees his neighbor on Friday morning in his working clothes. He calls to him: "Hey Fred! I thought today was your mother-in-law's funeral, why are you going to work?"

**Fred:** "Well, you know, first duty, then fun.

Some days I don't feel like getting up and going to work...

I call those weekdays.

Wife: Our neighbor kisses his wife every day before going to work.I wish you did the same.

Husband:I wish I could.

The bad weather kept my friend Edward from going to work today

He's Snowden

What does a witch use to see if her spells are going to work?

Spell check!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

My son told me he’s going to work forever. But not for a salary, he won’t need to get paid when he’s older, but he’ll have so many good ideas that he’ll have to keep at it. Working all the time to crank out his inventions and art and literature and all that. So I ask him to share some ideas with me.

"I can’t share them with you, I haven’t started having them yet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob felt tired all the time, so he decided to go to a doctor to check what causes it.

"Okay Bob, could you describe to me how a normal day looks for you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the first thing I do when I wake up is fuck my wife.

Then I take a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, and fuck my wife. Then I brush my teeth and fuck my wife before going to work.

...

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that or daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.