UPJOKE
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Don't Jokes

Why don't women parachute naked?

That annoying whistling sound on the way down.

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

I've heard that hookers don't fart.

They do little prosti-toots.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

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Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

Guys, don't install adblock

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.

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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

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Australians don't have sex...

Australians mate.

You always claim Germans don't have humour,

but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Edit: Alright I've got it lol, TIL churches have wi-fi

Edit 2: ok guys really I get it, churches have wif-fi, no need for every redditor to tell me, 200 is enough

Edit 3: I'm beginning to realise these edit...

Don't spell part backwards

It's a trap

I don't get the point of threesomes.

If I want to disappoint two people at once, I take my parents out for dinner.

C'mon guys don't make fun of Amber Heard's lawyer

He probably gets enough abuse from her as it is

In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone"

They call it the "Pal Region"

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions

Why don't envelopes reproduce?

Because they're all mail!

I thought of this myself. Proud of it.

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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

Why don't aliens visit our Solar System?

They read the reviews... just one star...

I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor...

Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

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Don't die a virgin.

Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you.

Why don't Ewoks yell inside?

Because they use their Endor voices!

New Teslas don't come with a new car smell

They come with an Elon Musk.

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

Praying mantises don't all follow the same religion.

They're in sects.

Why don't Native Americans like snow?

It's white and settles on their land

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

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I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I wish that there was a restaurant named “I don't care,”

so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

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Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

Why don't The Ants catch COVID?

They've got little Antibodies.

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

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As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry..

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

At least that's what she said in her diary.

Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.

Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.

Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

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I don't support Trump, but I would never denigrate his supporters

If you're a Trump supporter, "denigrate" means "to put down."

I don't know what HD is,

But my doctor just told me I got 80 of them

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Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries

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Husband asked his wife "why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She replied "because I don't like calling you at work."

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

Why don't churches have WiFi?

They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Don't go on Tinder

Go to Facebook marketplace....and search for wedding dresses.

It will show you recently divorced females.

From there you can filter by size.

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Don't ever underestimate a Scottish police officer?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Sco...

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Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie.

100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

85%of people in America don't know basic math.

Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

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Here's a tip! If your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck", don't bother correcting it...

It's still fowl language.

Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here

A time traveler walks into a bar

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Don't make fun of fat people with lisps...

They're thick and tired of it

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump...

I said ok.. Biden

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So I brought her to a Wayans brothers movie, snuck in some vodka in a water bottle and asked her for a handy in the back row

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

"Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma"

"Shut up, and keep digging"

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell....

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers.

Two men walk into a bar.

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I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: Can I eat sugar instead?

Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?" Dad: "I don't know."

Son: "So it was you."

I don't like ladies with fat legs. I don't like ladies with thin legs.

I like something inbetween.

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

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I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

I heard the people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

But people in nearby Abu Dhabi do

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

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Why don't boxers have sex the night before a fight

They just don't really like each other

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people

1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.



But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.

I don't trust people with graph paper...

They're always plotting something.

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime."

"Was it something I said?" Asks the son.

"Yes."

What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

I don't know why I got fired from the suicide hotline...

I was doing a great job. They never called back for more help.

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Don't wake Up Until Ten

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Seventy is the worst age to be," announced the seventy year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the eighty year ol...

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.


Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.

My wife and i decided we don't want to have children!

We will be telling them tonight.

I can't stand idiots that don't know the difference between to and too.

There so stupid.

The amount of people who don't know the difference between to and too

Is two damn high

I don't like anti-vaxxers

They make me sick!

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Don't vaccinate your children!

Let a trained medical professional do it!

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

Why don't coke-heads get botox?

They never want to decrease their number of lines.

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

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Did you know that communists don't have orgasms?

they have ourgasms

I don't understand why people spoil movies...

What's their endgame?

Don't judge a book by it's cover.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos and his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doi...

Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?

Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.

The "Sir Sandwich" (I don't understand this joke!)

This joke appeared on Everybody Loves Raymond and I don't get it:

Our drill sergeant stressed to us the importance of addressing all officers with what he called a “Sir Sandwich.” “Sir, yes Sir!” “Sir, I don’t know, Sir!” and the like. A few days later a colonel approached me in the motor poo...

Why don't most people understand ED?

I mean, it's not that hard.

Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?

They don't like Heards.

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

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Why don't black people go on cruises?

They aren't falling for that one again.

Don't want to die alone?

Become a bus driver!

Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"

Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?

because they like the taste of defeat.

i'm not even sorry.

My wife and I don't want any kids

My kids are upset about that decision.

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called h...

How come ants don't get sick?

...because they have lil' anty-bodies

*runs away*

Why don't witches wear panties?

To get better grip on the broom.

I don't drink cow milk, because I'm not a baby cow.

However I do drink almond milk, because I'm a little nutty!

...and the bartender said: “we don't serve hypothetical faster-than-light particles here!”

A tachyon walks into a bar...

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"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

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Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.

The same thing is true if you're stupid.

Whatever you do, don't step on a duck.

Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere.
The first gu...

During a bus trip, the driver commented to a passenger: "People only value things when they don't have them, don't you think?"

The passenger replied: "Are you talking about a woman, money...?
The driver said: " I'm talking about the brakes..."

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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."

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