UPJOKE
harry potterquidditchmugglegriphookluna lovegoodron weasleyhermione grangerhogwartshigh streetwizarding worldlily potterpetunia dursleylucius malfoydiagon alleybill weasley

Diagon Jokes

Wanna hear a diagonal joke?

Coming right up!

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

What is it called when the pieces in the corner of a chessboard move diagonally

A rookie mistake

Why can’t Harry Potter draw a straight line ?

He can only draw Diagon Alley.

Why did Harry Potter have to go to Diagon Alley before going to Hogwarts?

He didn't want to be an unwanded guest.

Today in church they asked what a Bishop does

Apparently “move diagonally” wasn't the answer they were looking for.

When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.

Classic rook-y mistake.

I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

I meet a bishop at Good Friday mass today, but I’m a little suspicious.

He wasn’t moving diagonally.

During a church's 100th anniversary celebration, the local priest invited former priests and the bishop to attend.

At one point, he called the children to gather at the altar and spoke to them about the significance of the day.

He began by asking them, 'Does anyone know what the bishop does?'

There was silence. Finally a little boy responded in a serious tone, "He's the one you can move diagonally...

Did you hear about the judge who gave a jaywalker a very long sentence?

"Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrian...

A bishop walks straight into a bar and orders a beer.

"You can't do that," the bartender says. "You can only move diagonally."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Bishop has been arrested for failing to stop sexual abuse happening directly in front of him. He claimed he was powerless to stop it

because he could only move diagonally.

I got into trouble at church the other day

During his sermon, the priest asked, "What does a Bishop do?"

"Moves diagonally" was not the answer he wanted.

I met my town's bishop at Easter mass today but I think he might be an imposter...

... he didn't move diagonally

From a kid in the local chess club

Kid: Do you know why bishops move diagonally?
Me: No, why?
Kid: Because catholic priests never go straight

The Bishop was late for service

One day, the Bishop was late for church service.
He said it was traffic, but I don't think he went straight there.

He probably went diagonally.

What did the bishop say after they redid the vestibule with black and white tiles?

"It looks nice but now I can only enter and exit diagonally "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Old Man Get's The Attention Of The IRS For Some Suspicious Activities

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

Woman calls the cops to complain about a neighbour harassing her

The cop arrives at her apartment with a notebook in hand to take notes.
Cop: Yes Mam, tell me who’s this person and what are they doing ?

Woman: he lives in the flat one floor above and is constantly looking at me, when I’m in my bathroom. Such a creep.

Cop: ( a bit confused) can...

The best part of being single is being able to sleep around...

You get to sleep all over your bed. Left, right, diagonal, or in the middle.

Long

A primary school class has just returned to school after the summer vacation. The teacher asks them, one by one, to come up to the blackboard and draw something exciting that happened during their holidays. First up was Jimmy. Jimmy draw a series of diagonal lines across the blackboard. What's that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.