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Burnham Jokes

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

(Bo Burnham) I got my girlfriend pregnant

On a pullout couch

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A very interesting statistic about the penis from comedian Bo Burnham

The average penis length is 5 and half inches and the average penis length of a man who google average penis length is 3 and half inches.

What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

Two of my favorites are:

1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

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I haven't made up my mind around masturbation

Cuz on one hand it feels good.

-Bo Burnham

Why should Bo never cook dinner on Christmas?

Because he always Burnham

Glass houses

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones..... or mastubate in daytime.

Paraphrased from Bo Burnham. Credit where it's due.

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I masterbate because

I'm the only one with standards low enough to fuck me.

- Bo Burnham

What do you call someone with no arms, no legs and an eyepatch?

Names.




All credit to Bo Burnham for this one.

[NSFW] Women are like squaring numbers...

... If they're under 13 you do them in your head
(Credit to bo burnham)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-girlfriend had this really weird fetish

She used to dress up as herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time

Joke written by Bo Burnham

Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics....

...don't elect a joke.

(Credit to Bo Burnham)

Who's a great YouTuber, but a terrible cook?

Bo Burnham.

[Haiku] My aunt always said,

Slow and steady wins the race.

She died in a fire.



(Credit: Bob Burnham
Thanks to DiedWhileDictating for telling me about an earlier typo regarding this post)

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Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

If I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked for money, I'd still say no.

- Bo Burnham.

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