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Berni Jokes

Joe and Bernie remained friends in their old age.

One day, they were on a park bench and Joe says, "Man, when I was married, I would bang my wife every chance I got." Bernie says, "Yeah, me, too." Joe: "You never had a wife!" Bernie: "Oh, I thought we were talking about yours."

There are two famous "Bernies"

One of them is once again asking for your financial support, while the other one just Madoff with everyone's money.

Did you know NBC once considered a diet & fitness show based on people such as Air Force Amy, Mary Magdalene, Heidi Fleiss, Charles Ponzi, Berni Madoff, and Donald Trump?

The pilot was cancelled because they didn't want to weigh the pros and the cons.

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie...

But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a high school lad came up to his table.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”

“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.

"Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘H...

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign

Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders

That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?

I thought he didn't care about the 1%

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

Mom & Dad

I was talking to my parents over dinner, my Mom said she was getting tired of the Bernie Sanders memes.

I looked over to her and said "Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon."

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump are all on a sinking ship. Who gets saved?

America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much...

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

How does Bernie Sanders stay so slim?

Inter-mitten fasting.

Bernie Sanders: "If you are a student in debt...

...You are not a loan!"

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

Bernie is walking down the street and runs into Sheldon, an old acquaintance

Bernie says, "Sheldon, I am so glad I ran into you. I know some circus people and I can get you an elephant for $100."

Sheldon: What am I going to do with an elephant?

Bernie: He can put thing up on high shelves, He can spray you with water, You know, elephant things.

Sheldon: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bernie Sanders, Bill Clinton and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar

Hillary Clinton: "This is the worst game of fuck, marry, kill I've ever played."

People say Bernie Sanders isn’t a Democrat...

But what’s more like a Democrat than winning the popular vote and losing an election?

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

Bernie Sanders is a true socialist

He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.

Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

How many Bernie Sanders supporters does it take to win a primary election?

Trick question. They can't win, because they don't vote.

Why did the Bernie supporter show up to the polling station at 8:30 when the polls had already closed at 8:00?

He didn't know he had to vote bi den.

Why did vatican invite Bernie not Hillary?

They couldn't afford it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Deathbed Instructions

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

· My son, "Bernie, I want you t...

What did Bernie Sanders running for president and me arguing with my wife have in common?

We never stood a chance but we just wanted to get our ideas out there.

Bernie Sanders isn't a Messiah.

He's just a Jewish guy sacrificing himself to save millions from their own sin and ignorance while being insulted the entire time. Clearly no basis for a religion.

Bernie Madoff died today...

Heard his headstone is going to be a giant pyramid.

Bernie Sanders is such a socialist...

...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.

Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate y...

Why were people so upset with that financial planner, Bernie?

Because he made-off with all of their money!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Waving a Nazi flag at a Bernie rally

Is like waving a diploma at a Trump rally.

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bernie Sanders to ban Oral sex if he becomes president....

"It's the only way I can get reddit to stop sucking my dick" - he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally understand how people could compare Bernie Sanders to Hitler

Seeing how neither of them could finish a race.

Did you hear the one about Bernie Sanders?

Probably not, the /r/politics mods deleted it before anyone saw.

Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and yells:

Free drinks for everyone!
Now who's buying?

Long marriage

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you...

Why does Bernie Sanders hate icebergs?

Because only the top 1% can stay above water.

Bernie Sanders is finally deciding to cut the BS

He will now go by: Ernie Anders.

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

Bernie leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, i can make this crowd go absolutely wild with joy? The will not just be a momentary joy, this joy will be huge and they ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my penis Bernie Sanders...

...because it leans far left and stands up for everyone.

Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders and kid from the make a wish foundation are on a plane.

Suddenly, the pilot comes bursting from the cabin with what appears to be a parachute on.
“The engine is gone and we’re minutes from crashing so grab a chute and follow me.
The captain opens the door and takes a leap from the plane. Bernie runs across the plane to grab a parachute but sees t...

Bernie, Joe and Donald are on a Zoom call.

Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump secretly have regular Zoom conversations.

Bernie: “I dreamed last night that God spoke to me. He said that he wanted me to be president.”

Joe: “That’s funny. I had the exact same dream.”

Donald: “I don’t remember talking to either of y...

A strange man in my kitchen at 2am:

"Hi, I'm Bernie the burglar."

"Right. I'm Colin the police."

Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar.

And all of Reddit gave it an upvote.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know Bernie Madoff would have sex with his wife every time he bought a stock?

He was inside-her trading.

What do they call the Bernie Bros now that hes lost the nomination?

Back to being plain ol' BernOuts

Bernie Sanders doesn't use hand sanitizer

"It kills 99.9% of germs," he says, "just another case of too much privilege for the 0.1%!"

If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office...

And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.

It's not going to be easy for Joe Biden to earn the votes of Bernie's supporters.

Not even Bernie himself could do it.

New poll shows that the majority Bernie Sander's supporters like whole milk

But they hate 1%

What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut?

Remove only the top 1% please.

Monica Lewinsky is going to vote for Bernie

The last time a Clinton was in office it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Why does Bernie need glasses?

He doesn’t have 2020.

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders...

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?

To me Bernie Sanders is more like God

It is not the guy I have problem with but the fan club freaks me out.

Why is Bernie always mad at his phone at the end of the day?

It's a 1 percenter.

Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash.

A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't
afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs scream...

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

One day, a procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope. He stopped to watch the thro...

It's Only A Game?

At the golf course one Sunday, Bernie's about to putt, when a funeral procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. Bernie straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession, until it pass...

I went to buy a book about Bernie Sanders

...but it was sold out.

Bernie Sanders is like...

the guy in Among us who finds the imposter but no one listens to him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine Bernie Sanders playing pokemon...

He'd lose his shit in the Pokemon Center.

I emailed Hillary that to secure a win, she had to pick Bernie as VP.

I guess she deleted it.

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and a young girl all board a small plane...

Midway through the flight, the pilot has a stroke and the plane starts to go down. There are only three parachutes on board and the four passengers quickly discuss who of them will take them.

Immediately the Donald says, "I'm the first human orange to be nominated for president, I should be g...

Never trust a "Bernie" to manage your finances...

The last one I knew Madoff with all my money.

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