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Anthony Jeselnik Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl with a twin..

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the great...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes when I tell him this is worth a world.

OG: Anthony Jeselnik

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother-in-law is a cop. Yesterday he told me that the only way he'd let someone out of a DUI is if they'd give him a blowjob.

I said, "Hey asshole! You're *married* to my *sister!*


"Just give me the DUI..."


-Anthony Jeselnik

My sister had a baby to save the relationship...

But i still don’t talk to her.

Credit: anthony jeselnik

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother has been staying with me for a couple weeks now, which has been awful.

My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door...I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.”

I said, “Get inside.”


credit: Anthony Jeselnik

Careful what you wish for!

I don’t think I ever got over
my grandmother’s death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But n...

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.


*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*

Segura’s favorite Jeselnik

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle.
But my mom said no.
See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18.

And I could just have his motorcycle.

- Anthony Jeselnik
...

My dad always believed in learning things by doing them.

So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...



So that he could teach himself CPR



Credit: Anthony Jeselnik

I just got a blood test. Was told my blood type is O negative? Do you know what that means?

Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.

(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)

My girlfriend keeps joking she’s addicted to chocolate.

She eats it every chance she gets. I finally got so fed up that I took her downtown to see a homeless junkie. I pointed at him and said, “Now that, see that? Why can’t you be that skinny?”

My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it

But he wouldnt tell me



Credits: Anthony Jeselnik

This chick is trying to get me fired because she claims I've been giving her inappropriate massages in the office...

I said good luck with that sweetheart.... I don't even work here.
(credit: Anthony Jeselnik)

I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel...

...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub...

And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

.
.
(Anthony Jeselnik)

My mom was the worst at having to break bad news to me

My mom was the worst at having to break bad news to me. I remember i came home from school one day and she said, “Anthony, i don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve been having an affair, and you can’t tell dad. I said, "well why not?”
She said, “Because he just passed away. - Anthony Jeselnik

My parenrs were very principled people...

When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..


..about brand loyalty.


_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a bar last night, saw this beautiful woman...

... like a supermodel.

I walked up, I was like "Hey, where you from? What do you do?"

She goes, "Oh, me, I live here in San Francisco. I am a brain surgeon."

I don't know if this makes me sexist but I was really impressed...

Most women... can't pull of sarcasm.

...

I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious.

Nobody saw me.

Anthony Jeselnik.

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