UPJOKE

Alot Of Jokes

As a 6.2 person alot of people wouldask "wow! Your tall! Do you play basketball?"

At some point I started to reply "wow... your short, do you play miniature golf?"

I have alot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

Seamus and Murphy wanted to go out drinking like respectable Irishman, but they didn't have alot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said to Seamus ‘Hang on my friend, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said ‘Are you crazy Murph? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’...

Why does river have alot of money

It has two banks.

I know alot of jokes in sign language.

To bad no one has ever heard them.

Eurovision must confuse alot of Americans

Because the one with the most votes wins

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

Alot of people cry when they cut onions

Trick is: Just try not to get too emotionally attached.

I used to know alot of dinosaur jokes

But they're all gone now.

Alot of reddits ‘rules’ are things my parents taught me.

I guess I didn’t need them after all.

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Alot of historic figures took drugs

I mean, look at Hitler he clearly sniffed markers.

Alot of people have been protesting for the climate

They're just afraid of change

Alot of airport workers treat workplace sanitation very seriously.

Otherwise people could catch terminal illnesses.

What do you call a guy that talks alot of nonsense?

Bob Loblaw

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

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There's a strange look of satisfaction from alot of dudes coming from that class...

I guess a lot of girls wanted to go down in history.

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What rhymes with angaina and makes alot of babies?

China. You dirty bastard.

In the year 2020 we will have alot of puns about vision

but at least we saw it coming

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What has alot of balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

My dad is deaf, blind, has lost alot of skin, never brushes his teeth, and he's probably got worms but wont go to the doctor. How can I help him?

stop digging up his corpse

There are alot of Hillary signs in my neighborhood...

When did she change her last name to 'For Prison'?

In my town alot of people are mean...

It's pretty average for them.

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

Alot of dirty looks and kicked out of the petting zoo, apparently.

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

Bob Barker was dedicated to getting pets spayed and neutered

Say what you want but that took alot of balls

Three men meet Saint Peter at the Holy Gates......

.......and Saint Peter demands that they recount their deeds in life!

The first man steps up. "I was a doctor," he says. "I could've gone into private practice and made a lot of money, but I preferred to take care of the poor and impoverished. I like to think that I brought happiness into ...

haha Belgians dumb

The King of Belgian visits the King of the Netherlands and laments that the Dutch people always make fun of the Belgian people. "Can't you just do something rediculously stupid? That way we have something to make fun of you. Just make a bridge in the middle of the desert, that would be so dumb"
<...

Why do fps players never use the m1 garand?

They get alot of ping because of it

What does a fat American and a rich British person have in common?

They have alot of pounds

Did you know?

Did you know that a sperm cell contains 35.75 MB of data. Making a load contain about 16TB

Yes i know, thats alot of information to swallow.

What does a tornado and a wife have in common?

They both start with alot of sucking and blowing, then you end up without a roof over your head.

I went to Disneyland as a kid

But it made alot of the other parents nervous so they made me change

Do you know why you should never trust the Soviet Union?

There is Alot of Red Flags.

dad, can i have 1 crypto please?

what?

you want $5,47?

what you want to do with $17,56?

do you realize that $200,94 is alot of money?

here $7,32 for you

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Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning…

and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!"

Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats."

Oh...

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the...

There are three types of people in this world

The ones that can count
And the ones who can’t

(This is a dumb joke but ALOT of people don’t get it even after I explain it)

I use to like origami as a hobby

But i gave up as it was alot of paperwork.

What do women and police cars have in common?

They make alot of noise to let you know they're coming.

*Staring at a barn full of feed*

Me: That's alot of feed.

Farmer: Yeah. The cattle eat it.

Me: Man.....that's one hungry cat

1000 Pizzas

a guy walk into the pizzaria and ask: hello, do you have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him: nope. day after he come back to the pizzaria and says: hey do you guys have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him. sorry no. 1 day after the staff makes 1000 pizza and the guy come and ask: hey. you guys have 1000 pi...

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A politician, priest and scout duo are in a crashing plane....

There are only 2 parachutes left and they are arguing who gets them

Politician: I'm an important man with connections I can help alot of people

Priest: I help people of all ages with all sorts of problems. I can't help alot if people too

Scout: We are only children and have my w...

Children are like socks

Alot of them go missing.

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an american history professor decided that he wanted a large mural painted in his home.

he called in a famous artist and explained to him that he wanted him to paint what he thought general Custers last thoughts were during his last stand. he went on holiday and he returned see a mural of a large praying heifer with a halo above its head surrounded by many native americans in erotic se...

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I named my penis Joe Jr.

Because he spends alot of time with Joe Mama

Made the decision to learn how to lockpick

It was great it opened up alot of doors for me

They say that you can tell how a man is in bed by how he dances.

You can clearly tell I am white, awkward, and do alot of dancing alone.

Periods.

Alot of ovary reacting.

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It's actually ilegal to be over a certain weight in Japan...

Probably because last time a Fatman was In Japan it caused alot of damage

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FBI recruitment is taking place

Alot of people try and in the end 3 men qualify for the final challenge,
They call the first guy in and tell him,"your wife is sitting in there,kill her so we know that you will follow our every order"
He is shocked, he goes in, picks up the gun and tries to do it but he gives up.
They call...

A woman on her period is like a chainsaw

yank on the string and she'll make alot of noise

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The porn industry should really invest more to virgin porn

I believe there is alot of untapped potential there.

Why do churches hate geometry?

There are alot of sins involves

I should have my own netflix series,

Cause gee do I have alot of episodes.

Samsungs Galaxy Note 7 is really cost effective

You get alot of bang for your buck.

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How a CEO of a big bank showed his ass to the public

One day the bank noticed that a simple man comes and deposits money every day. Sometimes he deposits small Suma like 50$ and some times about 1000$ And this guy has millions of dollars in his account.

One day a Manager at the bank asked the man how does he deposit so much money.

The m...

I was thirsty one day and someone said, "Drink Canada Dry."

Man they got alot of water up there..

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Freudian Slip

A guy is talking with his buddy and says I've been making alot of Freudian slips lately. The other day I was at the train station and there was a beautiful woman behind the ticket window with huge breasts. Instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh I asked for a picket to Tittsburg.

Wow, sa...

I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but

I hear they deal with alot of pricks.

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what did a sexy model's leg say to the other?

"between you and me, we can make alot of money"

Can anyone help me. I don't know where to park my boat and all the other captains are making fun of me.

im under alot of pier pressure!

Saw a gentleman with a Christmas walking stick

Saw a gentleman with a Christmas themed walking stick, covered in tinsel and alot of tree lights, I complimented the man on the festiveness of the stick.

He turned and said "Yes well usually I have difficulty with my stick being a bit too heavy but this is the only time of the year it's ligh...

What did the Cryptologist have for breakfast?

Hash with alot of Salt

Smokey said "Only you can prevent Forest fires"

That's alot of pressure.

There is a horrible crash and 50 Pikeys are killed in a bus.

All 50 of them are sent up to heaven and are outside the golden gates where they are met by Saint Peter.



"Can we come in" one of the men ask.



Saint Peter has a look through the long list of sins they've committed and grimaces.



"You have all caused alot of...

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A good friend of mine just told me, that he was adopted...

I was very shocked and had alot of mixed feelings, obviously... On one hand, they were never his real parents... On the other had, I hadn't technically fucked his mom.

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[Long] a frog walks into a bank

the frog walks up to the teller and sees her name tag witch says patricia wack and the frog says "my name is kermit jagger, son of mick jagger, i need a loan to go on a holiday, how about $30,00?" and the teller says "woah, thats alot of money, do you have any collaterals we can keep if you don't pa...

A man with no arms applies to be the local church bell squire.

The pastor looks him over and says - Well, we didn't get alot of interest in the posting, so the job is yours, but I'm not sure how you plan on pulling the rope to the bell?
The man climbs up to the church steeple and runs at the bell as fast as he can. BOOOONG! He hits it with his face and it so...

An old priest climbs a mountain and asks god:

"dear lord, I've given you my life and my love. I've dedicated my entire life to spreading your name. In my old day, please grand me a wish"

So God told him "fine, you are granted one wish. But don't make it to difficult on me."

The priest thinks for a while and then says "dear god, I...

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A little boy was eating a bag of candy...

A little boy was eating a bag of candy when a lady approached him and said, "you know, that candy will rot your teeth and shorten your life", to which the boy replied, "I dunno, my uncle lived to be 107 years old". "Oh", said the lady, "and your uncle ate alot of candy I suppose"? "No", said the bo...

2 hunters hire a pilot and fly to the jungle...

...and they hunt alot of things and prepare to go back home. Seeing the huge amount of things that the hunters brought back, the pilot exclaimed, "the plane will never fly well with that much stuff on!"
The hunters tell the pilot," relax, we hunted this much last year!" Reluctantly, the pilot dec...

A Mexican, Russian, and a Texan are sitting in a bar.

The russian has a bottle of vodka, The mexican has a bottle of tequila, And the texan has a bottle of whiskey. The russian gets up, chugs the whole bottle, throws it up and shoots it and says "in my country we have lots of vodka". After that the mexican gets up, chugs his bottle of tequila, throws i...

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An American, a Japanese, and a Chinese man are lost in a desert...

The three of them find a bottle in the sand and a genie appears. The genie says to them that he'll grant each of them three wishes.

The American says "I wish for alot of money". The genie grants his first wish. "I wish for even more money" The genie grants the wish again. "I want to use my th...

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So, I was a pallbearer at a funeral

I was once a Pallbearer at a funeral in Wisconsin during the winter and it was cold as shit with alot of snow and ice on the ground. As we were carrying the coffin down the stairs, one of the pallbearers slipped and fell down which caused all of us to lose our grip and the coffin fell onto the icy s...

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The Voo Doo Dick Joke!!! (NSFW)

I think maybe alot of people have heard this, but i did a search on jokes and didn't see it, so for those who haven't, enjoy.

EDIT: K, before anyone says anything, i googled this and found that user sean7755 actually posted his own version of this first, so no offense to him, and i'll leave ...

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Lil' Arty

After being married to a total bitch for nearly 35 years, Steve decided enough was enough. He knew that she would never grant him a divorce, being the bitch she was, so Steve decided to take matters into his own hands put an end to his wife, Permanently! Of course, Steve didn’t want the blame placed...

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