A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis, a kaftan (long black coat), and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?"

The parrot replies: "Brooklyn. There's thousands of them."

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Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews,

went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the da...

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How do you tell the difference between a Hasidic Jew and a Basic Jew?

Measure their Ph

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Where does a Hasidic Jew get his hair cut?

The hair shalom

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Why should you never mix Non-Orthodox and Orthodox Jews?

Because one is basic, and the other is Hasidic.

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I was reading about these Hasidic folks from Lakewood, NJ getting arrested for welfare fraud and I thought to myself, "They really give Jews bad names"

I mean, really. Zalmen? Shimy? Yocheved?

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What’s the difference between an orange and the Torah?

One can make acidic juice and the other can make Hasidic Jews

(Just made this up today)

I was bitten by a Hasidic Jew.

The doctor in the E/R gave me Rabbi shots.

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Why do Hasidic Jews dress so strangely?

Because they are unorthodox.

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

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Y'all hear about them lemon Jews?

They're very hasidic.

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How do you get kosher salt?

you mix a hasidic jew and a halkaline jew

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Why are Jews bad at gardening?

Their soil is too Hasidic.

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

What's the opposite of a basic Jew?

A Hasidic Jew.

(Thank you.. Thank you.. I'll be here all week..)

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Four nuns about to take their vows..

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother ...

I'm just a basic Jew...

...but if things go sour, I might become Hasidic.

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What do you call a Jew with a pH lower than 7?

....hasidic

I'll let myself out now. I know that was matzo good...

A couple of cannibals are rooting through the freezer looking for something for supper

One says to the other, "how about the rest of that Jewish guy from last week?"

The other cannibal replies, "I can't, my doctor told me cut down on Hasidic food."

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What type of candy do you buy for...

What type of candy do you buy for a comedian?

...Snickers

What type of candy do you buy for a happy horse owner?

...Jolly Rancher

What type of candy do you buy for a rap star?

...M&Ms

What type of candy do you buy for a divorced wife with no prenup?
<...

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Why does hitler not like jewish lemonade ?

Its to hasidic

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