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Yeh Jokes

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Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says

"I'm going to become a vegan".

The other one says "me too"

The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny "

The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"

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Two Assholes

“Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh, he's burnt pretty bad. ...

A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what’s that?

She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that’s a baby your daddy gave me that…

So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face…

“daddy did you give mummy a baby ?”

“yeh I did son, that’s right why do you ask…?”

“well don’t give her another, she ate ...

Men call short women "petite". What do women call short men?

Um, yeh, they don't call.

Source: I'm not a tall man.

I was in the bank yesterday...

And I could here trouble brewing between the teller and Korean woman in front of me, who was apparently trying to exchange won for dollars.

Said the customer, "How come yeh-today you give me one-hundred dollar and today only eighty?

Teller: "Fluctuations."

Customer: "Fluck you w...

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House for rent

A man puts an ad in the newspaper: "House for rent: christians only"

Next day, someone came. The bad looking owner shows at the door and grumble:

What do you want?

Well, I saw the ad, I want to rent this house.

Ugh, fine, fine, and what is your name?

David Rosenber...

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The Leprechaun Joke

A man went to a pub on St. Patrick's Day to have some drinks with his mates. After a while, the man needed to relieve himself, so he went to use the restroom.

The restroom was quite small and only had two urinals, one of which was being used by what appeared to be a little person. The man beg...

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An Englishman, German, and Irishman

An Englishman, a German, and a Irishman are sitting in a bar, each with their favorite drink. Three flies buzzing around the bar choose to land in each of their drinks. The Englishman sees the fly in his wine and exclaims, "I cannot drink this filth! Bring me a fresh brew in a new glass!" The German...

Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, "Ya dig?"

I thought to myself, this guy's pretty far out. I answered, "Yeh, man. I dig!"



That's how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.

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Farmer problems (long joke)

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tr...

One night at the bar..

So, a fellow walks into a rather large pub in Dublin, goes up to the bar, and orders a pint of Guinness. While the bartender steps away, the fellow does that slow scan one does in a strange room to see if he knows anyone, and his eyes alight on a fellow.

The bartender returns with the pint, a...

A long time ago, a father, visiting America from Europe for...

...the very first time, went up and down the aisles with his son-in-law at the local store.

He constantly asked questions about products he saw: "Vas diss? Powdered orange juice?"

"Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh 'orange juice.'"

A few minutes later, in...

Do you like M&Ms?

Yeh, I like the candy and the wrapper

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Gary meets a girl at the bar

She agrees to take Gary home for the night. When they arrive Gary admits his secret, he’s a virgin.

Not to embarrass him, she comforts Gary and says she is going to freshen up in the bathroom. While doing that, she suggests Gary go to backyard where there is a tree with a hole in it. She tel...

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My Favourite Joke

Some time ago, when I was a teenager, I went to my uncle’s farm. I, a city boy, didn’t want to go but my cousins insisted and convinced me. It was a nice experience at first but after a few days there I was bored as fuck with no tv, no internet, no video games, and just seeing my cousins 24h a day.<...

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3 Blokes

3 blokes sitting in a pub having a pint,an Englishman ,scots man and Irishman
english fella say’s “how’s this work out! My wife’s bought a new car for herself yesterday and she cant even drive “ “yeh I know exactly what you mean say’s the Scotsman, my wife has just gone on a diet and she isn’t e...

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Psychedelic mushrooms reduce authoritarianism and boost nature relatedness - science shows.

Yeh - it's hard to salute when you're face down in the grass.

I just started a new job in a bowling alley

Yeh, just tenpin'

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are hiking in the mountains

They find some hot springs and decide to take a bath. Some native tribals come along and say "you have trespassed our sacred lands. For this, you will be killed and your skin will be made into canoes. But, you each have one wish before you die." The Englishman asks for a knife and slits his throat. ...

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An Englishman and an Irishman go out drinking one night....

The Englishman says to the Irishman, " listen paddy I wish I could stay out drinking with you but I'm skint."

Padd
y says, "aye George, I just spent my last few quid too.... but I've got an idea: go up and order two more drinks and a sausage and mash and tell them to put it on a tab." ...

Library suicide

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
...

I was in the Chase Bank on Madison Avenue today...

Asian woman in front of me was attempting to exchange currency, apparently Korean won for US dollars.

Things were getting tense, and I heard her tell the teller: “Why yeh-today you gimme one-hundred dollah and to-day you gimme only eighty dolllah?”

Teller: “Fluctuations.”

Wonan:...

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A SCOUSER GET KNOCKED OVER....

This scouser gets killed and ends up outside the pearly gates.

He gives the gate a knock and St Peter emerges who says 'For fucks sake not another scouser, im sick of you lot'

The scouser says 'Go ed lar let me I'm

St Peter asks him if he's done anything charitable recently. The...

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Should, shouldn't and misspeaking: Two blokes having a drink..

Bob: "I had a freudian slip the other day."
Norm: Wtf is a freudian slip?
Bob: It's when you mean to say one thing, but your subconcious turns it into something else. For example, I was at a party the other night and a lovely busty young lady was carrying around a bowl of chips offering th...

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A joke best told with an accent

I've found that this joke is best told with a Cockney or Australian accent.

So Jim an' Marty are sitting in Marty's livin' room, when Marty exclaims, "Oy, it's feckin' cold round ere. Jim, could you be pal, run upstairs, and fetch me slippers". Jim's says, "yeh, ol' right." and walks upstairs...

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Logical Analyst

A guy's sitting in the pub at the bar and strikes up a conversation with the dude next to him:


"So what do you do for a living then, mate?"

- "I'm a Logical Analyst"

"What does that mean?"

- "Here, let me demonstrate... Do you have any pets?"

"Yeh, we've ...

Apple pie and coffee

A Russian man has been taught a phrase by his friend so that he can order food at the local restaurant.

Each day on his lunch break he goes to the same place and orders “ah pull pi and cough yeh”

One day he asks his friend to please teach him something else because he is so tired of ...

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One fine lady

A woman walks in to a gynecologists office. he looks at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window cuz she is fiiiiiine. He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs. ’do you know what I'm doing?’ he asks her. ’Yes your checking for any broken or ...

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3 dogs meet at the vet...

There was 3 dogs at the vets and they got talking , one dog says to the other why are you here , he says ah I bark too much for my owner so she is going to put me to sleep and then says tell me why are you here and the second dog says , yeh pretty similar situation I chewed her red shoes so that's w...

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An English man, Irish man And Scottish man,

An English man, Irish man And Scottish man, are all walking to work one day when they see a couple throw a 50 Pence coin into a lake.

As they walk closer the Irish man asks the other men "Why'd She Doo that ?"


The English man Tells him "If you make a wish and throw in a 50p, you g...

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A truck driver named Bill is driving down a deserted Arizona highway...

...and he sees a beautiful woman hitchhiking. He thought it was strange that she wasn't standing near a car, but he picks her up anyway. As they are about to drive away he asks her "what are you doing in the middle of nowhere?" She pulls a gun out of her purse and says "I am taking your truck, that ...

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