Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

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Sergei and Vladimir are standing in a long line outside a Soviet butcher shop.

The butcher comes out, looks at the long line, and yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher comes out again and looks at the line. He yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not...

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

Why was Vladimir Putin sad?

No one voted for him in the last election.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days

Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.

As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.

>!The rest 20% are missing!<

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin was accused of poisoning political opponents, including Alexei Navalny.

"This is complete nonsense!" Replied Putin,
"I have never considered anyone an opponent!"

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

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Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be resigning as the President of Russia in January

He Putin his two month notice

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, the Pope, and a boy scout are on a plane losing altitude and there are only 3 parachutes...

Vladimir Putin jumps up and declares, “I am the smartest Russian in the world! My people need me! I will not die here!” Then he grabs a parachute and jumps out the plane before anyone can say anything in response.

Watching intently and taking notes the entire time Putin was speaking Donald T...

Vladimir was a good leader, so he was putin charge.

Idk if this has already been made.

Why was Vladimir involved in a traffic accident on the way to the airport in Moscow?

He was Russian, and ran a red light.

My mom said Vladimir sounded like a diagnosis. I said " I have Vladimir of the prostate"

...because I been Putin stuff in there.

A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.

The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."

What do you call a Russian desert

Vladimir Pudden. Courtesy of an 8yo.

Why did Vladimir Lenin write in all lowercase

Because he hates capitalism

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. ...

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What do you call it when you get cock-blocked by Vladimir Putin?

Erection interference

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What do you call the Russian president when he’s in the bathroom?

Vladimir Poopin

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin expla...

What was Vladimir Lenin’s favorite bird?

the Common Tern

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

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Angela Merkel, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are sitting on the beach...

Donald Trump starts bragging:"Our american submarines can stay under water for 3 months without having to surface!"
"That's nothing!", says Putin:"Our russian nuclear submarines can stay under water for 6 months!"
Angela Merkel starts to get nervous, but before she can say anything a giant wav...

What is a Russians favorite type of poutine?

Vladimir.

Donald Trump had a secret phone meeting with Vladimir Putin.

At the end of the call, Trump said to Putin, “Vlad, tell me something. How do you know if the people you work with are smart and trustworthy?”

Putin said, “It’s easy Don. I bring them into my office in the Kremlin, I sit them down, and I ask them one question. If they get it right, they stay....

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donal Trump are on a plane.

Merkel finds $100 on the floor of the aircraft and says:
"I will throw the money out of the aircraft and make 1 person happy" Putin interrupts her, stating that if they split the $100 bill into 2 $50 bills they can make 2 people happy. Trump insists that they should throw 4 $25 bills and make 4 p...

Vladimir Putin making a school visit...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina put...

Say what you want about Vladimir Putin..

But not many people can run two countries at once

Vladimir Lenin found a magic lap. Upon rubbing it, a genie pop'ed out and offered him three wishes:

Vlad: I want to return to my country!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want my message to be heard by me people!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want to lead my people to revolution!

Genie: Soviet! Replied the Genie.

What is Vladimir Putin's favorite song?

*Crimea River*

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What did Vladimir Putin think to himself when he was finally relieved of his constipation?

Gladimhere Poopin

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Vladimir Putin and Dmitri Medvedev visit a prostitute....

Vladimir gets blown while Dmitri fucks her from behind. After a while he gets tired,and he says "Sir,can we switch" and then Vladimir says "yes,you switch".

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What's russian and smells like shit?

vladimir pootin.

Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine

And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"

"Vell, only if you insist " he replied.

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...

The other 20% are missing.

Donald and Vladimir take a vacation.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin take a trip to Brokeback Mountain.

The two decide it's best for Putin to drive.

Half way up the sketchy mountain, Trump spots a donkey with it's head stuck in a fence.

"We need to do something!", Trump exclaims uncharacteristically.

"Ah y...

TIL that Vladimir Putin, Russia's President, was a KGB officer for 16 years...

He was the crème de la Kremlin

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: “Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin?” – “We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: “We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist...” The guest looks a bit confused: “Why a dentist?” - Putin claps Trump on the back ...

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Mankind.

Vladimir Putin shows up in one of the Moscow's primary schools

After the welcoming ceremony there is some time for the students to ask the President a few questions

Little Sasha stands up and says:

I only have 2 questions:

1. Why did Russia take over the Crimea?

2. What are Russian soldiers doing in Ukraine?

Before Putin was a...

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”

“Vladimir Putin”

“Country of Origin?”

“Russia”

“Occupation?”

“No, no. Just visiting.”

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground?

Doesn't matter.

Donald Trump visits Vladimir Putin in Russia and while there Putin takes him bear hunting...

After a few hours in the woods Trump says, "Vlad this is great but where's the washroom. I need to pee." Putin chuckles at the American city boy and says, "There's no washroom here. You just pee in the bushes." He then walks over to some bushes and starts peeing. A bear that was hiding in the bu...

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Vladimir Lenin and Nadezhda Krupskaya are sitting on the veranda of their dacha.

Krupskaya turns to Lenin and asks, "Vladimir Ilich, if you were to die, would you want to be buried or cremated?"

Lenin replies, "I don't give a shit. They could make me a mummy for all I know."

Vladimir Putin was just re-elected.

He won 134% of the vote.

What is Vladimir Putin's tiny wife's name?

Lilly Putin.

Donald Trump, Robert Mueller, and Vladimir Putin find themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

“Are we dead?”, Mueller asks.

“No,” Saint Peter says. “You’ll be going back shortly. I need to correct a mistake that was made before any of you were born. We mixed up your names! See,” he turns to Mueller, “you were supposed to be named Trump, to symbolize how, like a Trumpet, you are to s...

The President of Ethiopia pays a visit to Moscow to meet Vladimir Putin

So the two sit down and discuss their politics when Putin says, "Hey, I'm bored, we have a fun little game we play here called Russian Roulette. We should play it."

"How do you play?" The President of Ethiopia asks.

"Easy, here's a pistol. It has a round and some empty slots. Point th...

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What do Vladimir Putin and my boss have in common?

They both pay people to fuck around on Reddit all day

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans

Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.

Vladimir Putin was recently late to a meeting

He was really Russian

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train.

Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask "what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "in your country/...

87% of Russians favor Vladimir Putin

The other 13% is still missing.

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin went fishing...

After a couple of hours, Obama was flinging his arms around, swatting mosquitos away, while Putin sat there, watching the pond, unbothered.

"How is it, that these bloodsuckers only target my blood reserves?" Asked Obama. "They don't bite you at all!"

Putin smiled knowingly and replied:...

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Angela Merkel enter a bar

Putin: "I'll have a G&T."
Bartender: "What's a G&T?"
Putin: "Gin and tonic."

Merkel: "I'll have a V&C."
Bartender: "What's a V&C?"
Merkel: "Vodka and coke."

Trump: "I'll have a 7&7."
Bartender: "What's a 7&7?"
Trump: "16."

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Where does Vladimir keep his shit?

In his poo tin

A mosquito landed on Vladimir Putin's arm the other day...

It was later found to have swatted itself in the back of the head.

With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country.

We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.

The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request

“Mr President, we need help. Our largest condom factory has exploded,” the Russian President explained. “My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!”

“Vladimir,” said Obama, “the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.”

...

Why was Vladimir late to gym class?

cause he was Putin his shoes on XD

The NSA just intercepted a message from Vladimir Putin to Melenia Trump.

It said,"good, now that you are First Lady, GET MOOSE AND SQUIRREL!"

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson walk into a room...Oh God. This isn't even a joke anymore.

Help

I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II

...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.

The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin...

appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, “I’ve got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, “Why blue?”

Top UN officials asked Vladimir Putin to stop annexing countries

He responded: Oh go Crimea river

What is Vladimir's computer always doing?

ComPutin

How do you start a joke about Vladimir Putin?

By looking over your shoulder.

Vladimir Putin met Bashar al-Assad

One day Vladimir Putin met Bashar al-Assad. The conversation turned to America.

Assad: Hey Vlad, what's the difference between America and a carton of yogurt?

Putin: I don't know, what?

Assad: If you leave a carton of yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll grow a culture.

Why did Vladimir fall off his bike?

He was rushin

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

Putin calls Trump and tells him

"Donald, I saw a strange dream... I saw America, all this beautiful country you know... And on every house I saw a poster."

"And what was written on the posters?", Trump asked.

"The United States of Russia."

Trump says, "You know, Vladimir, I'm very glad you called. Believe me o...

Three Most Important People

God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided giving an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God called up Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Dona...

Oh those Russians

Suddenly there are a lot of covid cases in Russia. Vladimir needs to Putin a lot of restrictions on the people. Else the city will start Kremlin to pieces.

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An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

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"What is the fastest thing you know?"

"What is the fastest thing you know?" the interviewer asked to 4 candidates.

Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interv...

Putin's phone rings...

Hello?

Vladimir Vladimirovich, is it true, all the government has resigned?

Yes, it is true.

Vladimir Vladimirovich, does that mean I need to resign, too?

Not yet. You keep your job for now. I'll keep you posted.

Thank you, Vladimir Vladimirovich!

No problem...

Putin on a trip.

Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:

Agent: age?

Putin: 66

Agent: occupation?

Putin: not this time, just visiting.

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

Lenin walks into a tavern

The comrades ask him to join them for some vodka.
After the first couple of shots Lenin refuses to drink any more.

"But why?" ask the people around him.
"Well", he replies, " the Party says no more than a quarter of vodka per proletariat".

"But, of course", they say to him, " rul...

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What does the Russian first lady say when she wants sex?

Vladimir put in.

People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him.

I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.

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Trmp, Putin and Duterte all died on the same day

After they die, the wake up in a building. The three of them not knowing what was going on.

After some small talk, they hear a deep and loud voice saying.

- " Rodrigo Duterte, room 623"

Duterte, followed by Trump and Putin starts looking for this room, and after a long search ...

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The Russian President:

At a KHL game: Vladimir Rutin

At a gun range: Vladimir Shutin

Imitating an owl: Vladimir Hutin

With a wheat harvest: Vladimir Gultin

Looking Amphibious: Vladimir Newtin

Rioting and stealing shit: Vladimir Lutin

Bungling a ground ball: Vladimir Butin
...

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

Happiness

Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump are on a plane. As the plane flies over a poor city, the Korean dictator looks through the window and claims:

-If I were to toss a dollar off the plane, I would make one person happy.

-If I were to throw a hundred dollars in pennies, I could...

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