UPJOKE
villagemoshavhamlettownsfolkvichytowntownshipvalencienneshometownsuzhouavignonwaterlooviborgbeijingedinburgh

Vladimir Jokes

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

Vladimir Putin visits a school...

He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid ...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin expla...

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"

The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."

"Which holiday?" Putin asked.

"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Vladimir Putin making a school visit...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina put...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with Vladimir Lenin and he asked me to grab his balls

Well what he really said was ‘seize the means of reproduction’

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch

He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes.

Three days later he asks for a report.

The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement an...

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to get a Vladimir Putin tattoo.

When I got home she asked me about it excitedly.

I pulled down my trousers and showed her my crotch, where the word "Gigawatt" had been tattooed on my penis.

"What the fuck is that?" she yelled.

I said, "It's a prick with too much power."

Vladimir Putin is speaking with his advisors...

"I think when the war is over Russia should become a Kingdom".

"Sir," one of his advisors speaks out, "only a King may lead a Kingdom."

"Very well, Russia shall become an Empire" Putin replies.

Again his advisor speaks out, "only an Emperor can rule over an Empire."

Putin...

Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

Say what you want about Vladimir Putin..

But not many people can run two countries at once

Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician.

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident

Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat ...

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Mankind

Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech.

“You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes!” Putin exclaims.

His speechwriter replies: “Mr President, I gave you three copies.”

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. ...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…

“The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.”

After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…

“A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…”

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep?

Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.

What do Peter the Great and Vladimir Putin have in common?

They both lead Russia to the 18th century.

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".



"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".



"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled. "What happened to you?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow

They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.


After a while Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.


A beautiful blonde walks in to the room, kneels in...

Vladimir Pti

the UN is silent

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave...

Putin at the airport

Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.

Customs officer: Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.

Vladimir Putin, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards.....

visits a modern art exhibition. "What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, president Putin, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain."

"Ah-h… And what i...

What's Vladimir Putin's favorite sport?

Cross-country

Why isn’t Vladimir leaving Ukraine?

Because his name is Vladimir Putin. Not Vladimir Pullout

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope and Vladimir Putin are sharing a balcony in front of a huge crowd.

The Russian president and His Holiness have seen it all before. So to make it a bit more interesting, Putin says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every communist in the crowd go wild?”
He doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave is greeted ...

Why is Vladimir Putin divorced?

He never got along with his NLAWs

Vladimir Putin walks down the corridor in his office and notices a painting on the wall of himself

He says: "So, my dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, what will happen if we lose the war?"
"That's simple," says the painting, "they'll take me off and will hang you!"

(edit - typo)

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...

The other 20% are missing.

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

What's Vladimir Putin's least favourite thing to eat?

Pea stalks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shizo Abe, Narendra Modi and Vladimir Putin are driving to an important conference.

It's nighttime and suddenly, their car breaks down in the middle of the countryside. They find shelter at a farm, the farmer offers them to sleep at his place but warns them: "I only have two spare beds, one of you will have to sleep in the barn. It's quite warm in there, but there are a deer and a ...

What’s the difference between a starfish and Vladimir Putin?

One is brainless, spineless, and impossible to reason with.

The other one is a starfish.

The CEO of Coca-Cola calls Vladimir Putin.

“Mr Putin! I noticed you’ve changed the Russian anthem. Do you have any plans to change the colors of your flag as well and return to the previous purely red flag? If you’d put a Coca-Cola logo in the corner, we’d solve all your financial troubles for the next five years.”

Putin puts the CEO ...

A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.

A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.

"Comrade President! What is wrong?"

"I've been working on this jigsaw puzzle from America all morning, but I can't get any of the pieces to fit!"

"Da, Vlad, I see. Everything will be OK. Why don't we...

My mom said Vladimir sounded like a diagnosis. I said " I have Vladimir of the prostate"

...because I been Putin stuff in there.

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

Boris Johnson said that Vladimir Putin is redrawing the map of Europe in blood.

I bet it's hard to get refills for that printer.

What the difference between Vladimir Putin and Vlad the impaler (AKA Dracula)?

One sucks the blood of innocents and possesses eternal youth, the other is Dracula.

Two Ukrainian spies have infiltrated into Moscow and have set up for their plot to kill Vladimir Putin.

They are laying in wait for Putin's private car to pass by, having planted a roadside bomb.

One says to the other, "He is supposed to arrive in 5 minutes. Is everything ready?".


"Yes."

An hour later, no car has passed by.


"Are you sure you got the time right?"...

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: “Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin?” – “We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: “We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist...” The guest looks a bit confused: “Why a dentist?” - Putin claps Trump on the back ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Vladimir Putin say to himself when he was finally relieved of his constipation?

Gladimhere Poopin

Why do Germans like sauerkraut and beer much more than they like Vladimir Putin?

Because sauerkraut gives them gas.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donal Trump are on a plane.

Merkel finds $100 on the floor of the aircraft and says:
"I will throw the money out of the aircraft and make 1 person happy" Putin interrupts her, stating that if they split the $100 bill into 2 $50 bills they can make 2 people happy. Trump insists that they should throw 4 $25 bills and make 4 p...

Putin is asked by an interviewer, "Vladimir Vladimirovich, how did you get in the KGB?"

Putin replies, "You see, when I was a young man, I would listen to my friends tell political jokes and would write them down."

"Jokes?" asks the interviewer

"Not only jokes, but also the names of the joke tellers."

The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days

Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.

As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.

>!The rest 20% are missing!<

Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine

And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"

"Vell, only if you insist " he replied.

Why did Vladimir Lenin write in all lowercase

Because he hates capitalism

What was Vladimir Lenin’s favorite bird?

the Common Tern

Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader, living or dead, who would it be? I said, "Vladimir Putin...

dead."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Beautiful Potatoes

Mr and Mrs Potato Head have three beautiful daughters. One night, they're gathered around the dinner table when the eldest daughter speaks up.

"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you... I'm getting married!"

Mrs Potato Head looks at her "This is such a surprise! Who is he?"

The ...

Donald and Vladimir take a vacation.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin take a trip to Brokeback Mountain.

The two decide it's best for Putin to drive.

Half way up the sketchy mountain, Trump spots a donkey with it's head stuck in a fence.

"We need to do something!", Trump exclaims uncharacteristically.

"Ah y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sergei and Vladimir are standing in a long line outside a Soviet butcher shop.

The butcher comes out, looks at the long line, and yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher comes out again and looks at the line. He yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not...

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, the Pope, and a boy scout are on a plane losing altitude and there are only 3 parachutes...

Vladimir Putin jumps up and declares, “I am the smartest Russian in the world! My people need me! I will not die here!” Then he grabs a parachute and jumps out the plane before anyone can say anything in response.

Watching intently and taking notes the entire time Putin was speaking Donald T...

If I were locked in a room with Toby Flenderson and Vladimir Putin and had a gun with two bullets…

I’d shoot Putin twice.

Donald Trump had a secret phone meeting with Vladimir Putin.

At the end of the call, Trump said to Putin, “Vlad, tell me something. How do you know if the people you work with are smart and trustworthy?”

Putin said, “It’s easy Don. I bring them into my office in the Kremlin, I sit them down, and I ask them one question. If they get it right, they stay....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you get cock-blocked by Vladimir Putin?

Erection interference

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir does not pull out...

He only *putin*

A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.

The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin and Dmitri Medvedev visit a prostitute....

Vladimir gets blown while Dmitri fucks her from behind. After a while he gets tired,and he says "Sir,can we switch" and then Vladimir says "yes,you switch".

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”

“Vladimir Putin”

“Country of Origin?”

“Russia”

“Occupation?”

“No, no. Just visiting.”

Vladimir Putin was just re-elected.

He won 134% of the vote.

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin was accused of poisoning political opponents, including Alexei Navalny.

"This is complete nonsense!" Replied Putin,
"I have never considered anyone an opponent!"

Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be resigning as the President of Russia in January

He Putin his two month notice

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin go to a bar

Bartender (who is somewhat inexperienced) asks what they want to order.

Putin - "I'll have a V and C."
Bartender - "What's a V and C?"
Putin - "Vodka and Coke."

Johnson - "I'll have a G and T."
Bartender - "What's a G and T?"
Johnson - "Gin and tonic."

Trump - "I'll ...

What is Vladimir Putin's tiny wife's name?

Lilly Putin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity

He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.

Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"

The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"

Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?" ...

87% of Russians favor Vladimir Putin

The other 13% is still missing.

Why was Vladimir involved in a traffic accident on the way to the airport in Moscow?

He was Russian, and ran a red light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

Vladimir Putin shows up in one of the Moscow's primary schools

After the welcoming ceremony there is some time for the students to ask the President a few questions

Little Sasha stands up and says:

I only have 2 questions:

1. Why did Russia take over the Crimea?

2. What are Russian soldiers doing in Ukraine?

Before Putin was a...

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin went fishing...

After a couple of hours, Obama was flinging his arms around, swatting mosquitos away, while Putin sat there, watching the pond, unbothered.

"How is it, that these bloodsuckers only target my blood reserves?" Asked Obama. "They don't bite you at all!"

Putin smiled knowingly and replied:...

Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans

Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.

Vladimir Putin was recently late to a meeting

He was really Russian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does Vladimir keep his shit?

In his poo tin

TIL that Vladimir Putin, Russia's President, was a KGB officer for 16 years...

He was the crème de la Kremlin

Why was Vladimir late to gym class?

cause he was Putin his shoes on XD

Putin gets interviewed about the sinking of the Moskva

Vladimir Putin:] It’s a great pleasure, thank you.

[Interviewer:] This ship that was involved in the incident off Crimea this week…

[Vladimir Putin:] Yeah, the one the magazine detonated?

[Interviewer:] Yeah

[Vladimir Putin:] That’s not very typical, I’d like to make that...

What does Vladimir Putin wipe his feet on before he goes in the house?

The Kompromat.

Vladimir Lenin found a magic lap. Upon rubbing it, a genie pop'ed out and offered him three wishes:

Vlad: I want to return to my country!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want my message to be heard by me people!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want to lead my people to revolution!

Genie: Soviet! Replied the Genie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Lenin and Nadezhda Krupskaya are sitting on the veranda of their dacha.

Krupskaya turns to Lenin and asks, "Vladimir Ilich, if you were to die, would you want to be buried or cremated?"

Lenin replies, "I don't give a shit. They could make me a mummy for all I know."

The President of Ethiopia pays a visit to Moscow to meet Vladimir Putin

So the two sit down and discuss their politics when Putin says, "Hey, I'm bored, we have a fun little game we play here called Russian Roulette. We should play it."

"How do you play?" The President of Ethiopia asks.

"Easy, here's a pistol. It has a round and some empty slots. Point th...

Donald Trump visits Vladimir Putin in Russia and while there Putin takes him bear hunting...

After a few hours in the woods Trump says, "Vlad this is great but where's the washroom. I need to pee." Putin chuckles at the American city boy and says, "There's no washroom here. You just pee in the bushes." He then walks over to some bushes and starts peeing. A bear that was hiding in the bu...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

Donald Trump, Robert Mueller, and Vladimir Putin find themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

“Are we dead?”, Mueller asks.

“No,” Saint Peter says. “You’ll be going back shortly. I need to correct a mistake that was made before any of you were born. We mixed up your names! See,” he turns to Mueller, “you were supposed to be named Trump, to symbolize how, like a Trumpet, you are to s...

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train.

Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask "what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "in your country/...

Why did Vladimir fall off his bike?

He was rushin

Top UN officials asked Vladimir Putin to stop annexing countries

He responded: Oh go Crimea river

Which musical instrument does Vladimir Putin know how to play best?

The TRUMPet!

The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request

“Mr President, we need help. Our largest condom factory has exploded,” the Russian President explained. “My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!”

“Vladimir,” said Obama, “the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.”

...

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.