UPJOKE
hypocorismvladimirgovernmenthalladayministersbetancourtbaptistamartinamatsuipinochetsamarascowellguerreromarianokeegan

Vlad Jokes

What's Vlad the Impaler's favorite joke?

So this bar goes into a guy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was the ottoman's opinion about Vlad the Impaler?

He was a big pain in the ass.

What the difference between Vladimir Putin and Vlad the impaler (AKA Dracula)?

One sucks the blood of innocents and possesses eternal youth, the other is Dracula.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Vlad the Impaler's kink?

Ass to mouth

What did Vlad the Impaler's victims cried to him during torture?

"Vladislav, baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, no more"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why would Vlad the Impaler not have been a good Redditor?

He created too many shit posts.

How come vampires are portrayed to be porcelain white even though the original vampire, Vlad Dracula, was quite swarthy?

Must be his nickname.

Why was Vlad the Impaler like reddt?

Because if you survived the impaling you were sure to get reposted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vlad the Impaler must have really hated strict people

Because most of his enemies had a stick up their ass...

Today I found out my buddy Vlad is a serial killer...

...so I said: "Vladizlav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..."

Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.

Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.

Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.

"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.

"You may have won,"...

You never want to play poker with Vlad the Impaler

A lot is at stake

Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler

He was one hell of a proctologist.

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

As the Ukrainians are fighting back against the Russians...

It turns into a street-level war where both sides are shooting at each other from behind walls. The Russian army isn't able to move forward and the Ukrainians cannot get the Russians to retreat.

So the Ukrainian platoon leader asks: "Is there nothing we can do to get an advantage?"

One...

What do you call a vampire with asthma?

Vlad the Inhaler

Did you hear about the Russian man who got turned into a chevy?

They call him Vlad the Impala.

Which Slavic ruler was the biggest stoner?

Vlad The Inhaler

A Russian is travelling to Poland...

and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.

"Name?" the officer asked.

"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.

"Nationality?"

"Russian."

"Occupation?"

"No, no, just visiting."

What is Putin's philosophy?

Vlad Earth Theory.

A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.

A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.

"Comrade President! What is wrong?"

"I've been working on this jigsaw puzzle from America all morning, but I can't get any of the pieces to fit!"

"Da, Vlad, I see. Everything will be OK. Why don't we...

Vladimir Lenin found a magic lap. Upon rubbing it, a genie pop'ed out and offered him three wishes:

Vlad: I want to return to my country!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want my message to be heard by me people!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want to lead my people to revolution!

Genie: Soviet! Replied the Genie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

For Texans, from Eastern Europe.

On the phone:

"Hey Vlad, how's the weather in your town? I heard on the news it's really cold, almost -35 Celsius."

"-35? Nah, it's more like -15C. Oh! You meant outside!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar....

The first walks up and says to the barman "I'll have a pint of lager please pal". He gets his drink, sits at an empty table and waits for his mates.

The second goes up to the barman and says "G&T for me please mate". He gets his drink and goes to join his friend at the table.

The t...

Donny is getting worried about his future as President.

He decides to call the world leaders he most admires. He makes a conference call to Putin, Kim Jong-un,and Rodrigo Duterte.

"Guys, next to me, you are the greatest leaders in the world. What can I do to stop from getting impeached?"

There is a lot of talking between them and then Vlad ...

I once watched a documentary about a Russian leader who ruled the Soviet Union and led the Red Terror genocide...

...I thought it was about their current president but it turns out, he's not that Vlad.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are sitting naked in a sauna.

“My wife has a nickname for my penis. It’s so hard and fast, she named it after the boxer, Rocky,” says the first man, who is, coincidentally, a boxer himself.

“Well, my wife says that my schlong is so long, it’s like being impaled, so she’s named it Vlad,” chimes in the second man, with a s...

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

Donald Trump had a secret phone meeting with Vladimir Putin.

At the end of the call, Trump said to Putin, “Vlad, tell me something. How do you know if the people you work with are smart and trustworthy?”

Putin said, “It’s easy Don. I bring them into my office in the Kremlin, I sit them down, and I ask them one question. If they get it right, they stay....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Dracula's pornstar name?

Vlad the Impaler

Vladislav

There was once a man named Vladislav. He worked an average job, received minimum wage, and was frustrated with his life.
One day he received a call from his wife, who told him out of guilt that she had been cheating on him for several months now, and wanted to stop by the house to collect her be...

Probably

What do you get when you cross Henry VIII and Vlad the Impaler?

Executed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump was using the restroom...

...when Vladmir Putin walked in and began using the urinal beside him. Naturally, Trump glanced over and saw that Putin had by far the biggest cock he had ever seen. So he asked him what he did to make it grow so huge and Vlad told him that every night before he goes to bed, he pulls it out and sl...

Donald Trump visits Vladimir Putin in Russia and while there Putin takes him bear hunting...

After a few hours in the woods Trump says, "Vlad this is great but where's the washroom. I need to pee." Putin chuckles at the American city boy and says, "There's no washroom here. You just pee in the bushes." He then walks over to some bushes and starts peeing. A bear that was hiding in the bu...

A woman and her husband are having trouble with kids

A woman and her husband, both from Mexico, decided to have a family, seeing as their homeland is dangerous, they move to the united states.

They try to have a baby for many years but to no avail.

The husband feels something is wrong and wishes for her to go to a doctor but they have p...

Vladimir Putin met Bashar al-Assad

One day Vladimir Putin met Bashar al-Assad. The conversation turned to America.

Assad: Hey Vlad, what's the difference between America and a carton of yogurt?

Putin: I don't know, what?

Assad: If you leave a carton of yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll grow a culture.

The Russian brothers hear the propaganda about Siberia...

how beautiful the weather is, how the shops are stocked with all necessities and luxuries, and prices are low.
Boris worries "Maybe they're just saying that to get people to move out there and work in the salt mines. How can we tell?"
Vladimir thinks a while, and comes up with an idea....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trmp, Putin and Duterte all died on the same day

After they die, the wake up in a building. The three of them not knowing what was going on.

After some small talk, they hear a deep and loud voice saying.

- " Rodrigo Duterte, room 623"

Duterte, followed by Trump and Putin starts looking for this room, and after a long search ...

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.