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The Wash Jokes

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Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was taking the piss out of your pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, I was just in the laundry room, scooping the cat box, when a little turd rolled under the washing machine.

I guess you could say I really lost my shit.

What did Burl Ives say to the washing machine?

"Have a cup of Cheer."

What the difference between your mom and washing machine

The washing machine doesn’t get clingy after I drop a load in it.

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

What happens when you put a drier sheet in the washing machine?

It becomes a wetter sheet.

(original joke. Can't find it anywhere)

My wife kept breaking the washing machine:

So I divorced her and it has not broken down since.

So it's true what they say in the Advert:

"Washing machines live longer with cow gone!!.

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A woman scolds her husband for not fixing the washing machine...

He scoffs at her and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag man?". The washing machine goes unfixed. Later that week, the pipes under the sink keep getting backed up so she asks her husband to fix that. He rolls his eyes and says, What do I look like, Mr. Clean?". A couple days later, she notices a ...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

A man was detained by police after leaving a dollar in his pants, which went through the wash.

He was arrested for money laundrying

What do you call a bag of tea that's gone through the wash?

Linty.

I was worried that my new T-shirt would go down a size in the wash

Then the unshrinkable happened

I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered.

It was a casual T.

Why did the washing machine stop?

Somebody threw the towel in.

“You’re children’s clothes smell great. It’s like they just came out of the washing machine!!”

They did. They were screaming.

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I accidently put my USB through the washing machine

It's still works, but it's really clean now. All the porn is gone.

Looking out of the window I saw a neighbour stealing my socks off the washing line

I was going to confront him but I got cold feet

I hate putting my clothes in the washing machine...

they always seem so agitated when I take them out.

Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.

It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.

I accidentally left my wallet in my jeans when I put them in the wash...

I got busted for Money Laundering

What do you call a nun who has a history or ruining her clothes in the wash?

A bad habit.

What do you call it when you put syrup in the washing machine?

A viscous cycle

Whats the difference between a Blonde and a Washing Machine?

The Washing Machine will not follow you around for 2 weeks after you dump a load in it!

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, "There's a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line."

I said, "I know, the two kids from next door have them." She said, "The dirty little perverts." I said, "It's nothing like that, they mentioned something about building a hammock."

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My next door neighbour just confronted me about her clothes going missing from the washing line ..

I nearly shit her pants

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