Pud Jokes - 61 Hilarious Pud Jokes

I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding....

I'm a family of four.

Why can't vegetarians eat pudding?

You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat

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Pudding and Yesterday

Pudding and Yesterday had gotten into some real mischief and their mother laid into them, screaming and swearing she eventually sent them to their room.

After an hour Pudding says that he needs to poo really badly but he is afraid to go downstairs or their mother might start screaming again....

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Did you know Bill Cosby loves pudding?

Pudding his dick where it doesn't belong

How to make Bacon-Wrapped Duck at home:

Get yourself a duck of about 1.5 to 2kg, and two large bottles of Scottish whisky, bacon strips and a bottle of olive oil.

Put the bacon around the duck, and treat the inside with pepper and salt.

Preheat the oven for 10 minutes at 180 degrees Celcius.

Fill a large glass with wh...

I went to the liqour store to look for eggnog vodka or figgy pudding bourbon ...

But there's just no Christmas spirits anymore

As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

You know the Christmas pudding

When you eat the whole thing you become full with money

The proof is in the pudding.

So THAT'S why Cosby was pushing it so hard!!

How do you make blood pudding?

From scratch.

What do you call pudding that’s starting to go bad?

Off-pudding

Apparently Bill Cosby is getting pudding with his first meal in prison.

He's finally receiving his just desserts.

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What's the difference between pudding pops and bill Cosbys dick?

It's consensual when people eat pudding pops.

As a serial killer, I keep all of my trophies in a snack pack.

The proof is in the pudding.

Did you hear about the guy who made pudding with spoiled milk?

It was quite off-pudding.

What do you call an academic paper written by a pudding?

A dessertation

I've started calling my girlfriend names like Custard, Ice cream, Pudding, Chocolate cake, or Apple pie.

I'm planning to desert her.

(Told by a 7 year old reading me a joke off of her SpongeBob Gogurt) "What is Plankton's grandma's favorite type of pudding?"

"Not labeled for individual sale!!!!!"

Am Englishman, an American, and a German are on an expedition in the Amazon

Am Englishman, an American, and a German are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. Where do you come from?"

The Englishman answers: "I'm from England". The chief decides: "Great! We make kid...

what is a russian's favourite yogurt?

A Vladimir Pudding.

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This Cake Day I really wanted to take a whisk.

But when I asked a baker for a good cake joke, he told me they are on a knead to know basis.

I was speechless and couldn’t even come with a good re-torte, I almost broke down in tiers.

So I did when any great man would do and called my mom who has always been my biggest flan, she liste...

NSFW a young man is in his room

Discovering himself, pulling his pud, jacking off, choking his chook or whatever. His dad busts in unannounced and mortified yells”SON DON’T DO THAT YOU’LL GO BLIND!” To which the son replies “.....um dad, I’m over here.”

I think my dessert was starting to spoil

The flavor was really off pudding.

Dessert??

My wife made dessert with expired milk.

It was really off pudding.

I'm constantly losing my jello

I mean I can't remember where I keep pudding it.

What did the mathematician say when he dropped his work papers into his lunch snack?

The proof is in the pudding.

Fred Astaire took his outfit to the dry cleaners.

"What happened to get it in such a mess?" The dry cleaner asked.

"Well" replied Fred, "Was in the kitchen when I tripped up and knocked a bowl full of rice pudding all over myself"

"Now I've got....... pudding on my top hat.... pudding on my white tie........pudding on my tails"

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You want to know what's really disgusting?

When you dream about eating pudding and wake up the next day with a spoon up your ass.

Irish bank robbery

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers c...

How can you tell if someone spiked your chocolate pie with alcohol?

The proof is in the pudding.

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The costume party

A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.

A lady comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!", and lets her in.

Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of ...

I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

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I wasn't allowed to eat dessert tonight til after I masterbated...

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't beat your meat?

Did y’all hear how they cracked the Cosby case?

The proof was in the pudding

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Bill Cosby was charged with sexual assault

I guess the proof was in the pudding

This Christmas,one in five children in London will not get a gift from Santa

This Christmas,one in five children in London will not have a Christmas pudding with their loved ones.

This Christmas,one in five children in London will not have a Christmas tree in their homes.

This is not a message from red cross or salvation army. 20% of children born in London ar...

Jell-o has officially cut all ties with Bill Cosby.

They said the proof was in the pudding.

Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

I found a hair in my Snack Pack.

It was off-pudding.

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

What is Donald Trump's favorite dessert?

Vladimir Pudding ;)

Super stoked for the new Cosby Show spin-off...

Pudding it in Cosby.

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Here’s a Gaelic joke translated...

3 vampires are in a restaurant: rich, middle class, and poor. They asked for a menu, and later on told the waiter that they’re ready to order.

Waiter: What can I get for you?

Rich Vampire: Fresh blood please.

Middle Class Vampire: Blood pudding please.

Poor Vampire: Erm.....

I tried making dessert, but I only had sour milk.

It was quite off pudding.

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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

I like to spend every day as if it’s my last.

Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.

The custard I ate was past it's expiry date...

It was off-pudding

Everyone, stop with the Jell-O jokes.

They're off-pudding.

What do you call a Russian desert

Vladimir Pudden. Courtesy of an 8yo.

Cake walks into a bar and orders a drink.

After a while he notices everyone's been staring at him since he walked in the door. He asks the barman, "what's everyone's problem?"

The barman says, "If I were you I'd get the hell out if here... Looks to me like everyone wants a piece of you!"

"That's nothing mate", replies the cake...

Joke my 63 year old British dad just told me...

Two American astronauts zoom off to the moon, they land on the moon safely and hop out of the module. They do some routine work, collecting rock samples, checking temperatures and the like.

Then one of them sees a man in the distance sitting on a deck chair wearing a handkerchief with knots o...

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Some amended Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dick...

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A grandpa is eating cake on the couch..

A grandpa is eating cake on the couch and his grandson asks if he can have some.
The grandpa says "can your penis touch your butthole?" The grandson says no. The grandpa says okay there's your answer.
The next day grandpa was eating ice cream at the table and the grand son asks if he can have...

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Two Jamaicans...

***If you have a thing against bad accents, you're going to have a bad time.***

...Are browsing thru some generic, privately-owned shop. On their way out one of them remarks, "Dere's nuting to do in dis town." The couple who owns the shop overhears this while clerking at the front counter and...

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An English couple have a child

After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop norma...

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Bill's been looking forward to this hunting trip for months.

He shakes his wife awake at the asscrack of dawn and says, "C'mon woman, less'go! We gotta get them guns packed into the Chevy," and she says, "No, honey, I don't feel good, you go on without me," and he says, "You summ'bitch, do you know how long I've been plannin' this goddamn couples huntin' trip...

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This man is kind of bored so he goes to this exotic brothel he heard about...

When he gets there, the hostess talks to him about what he likes for a few minutes, and then, sensing he is open-minded, says, "we have something special today... it's not for everyone, but I think you might like it."

"What is it?" he asks, intrigued.

"It's a chicken that gives blowjo...

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A man is hosting an emotions party.

In order to get into the party, guests had to be dressed as their favorite emotion.

As the host is getting ready for the party, he hears the doorbell.

He opens the door and sees a couple dressed all in red. The man says, "And what are you supposed to be?"

The couple replies, "...

I've known Paul for years

He's always been such a nice guy. In middle school, our teachers would always ask if he finished his homework. Paul would hold up his homework and say yes. During lunch, kids would always ask if they could sit with him, and Paul would say yes. A kid would ask if he's trade his pudding cup for an app...

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Once upon a time in a nursing home...

...there was an 80 year old woman and an 80 year old man. Despite their advanced years, they were both very much sexually driven despite the doctor's insistence that they give up that type of activity due to their advanced age, but one night, a sly wink over a game of Bingo and a sexy smile over pu...

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Well, turn it around

A young man walking down the street sees a street vendor selling apples 1 for $5. Appalled at the price he stops and inquires about the over priced fruit.

“What’s so special about these apples?” Asked the young man.

“Well they’re 2 flavored apples.” Replied the vendor. “One side tast...

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