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Play With Jokes

The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like

My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ' means

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A father walks into a bar with his son and gives him three pennies to play with.

Suddenly the boy starts choking. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the pennies but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father panics and shouts to the bar's patrons for help.

A well-dressed, attractive and seri...

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

Why do the elves of Middle Earth play with Mega Bloks?

Because they're Legolas

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On Christmas afternoon, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "W...

What gets harder the more you play with it?

A rubiks cube

You should never play with ouija

Tom is telling his friends not to play with ouija.

"You should never ever play with ouija, it is really horrible..."

His friends are getting nervous. Tom continued,

"Last week, Karen asked ouija a question, and now she is still in that room."

"She asked ouija, '*w...

So Little Timmy is Playing with His Legos...

...when all of a sudden his mother comes up to him. She tells him "Timmy, when your father comes home can you tell him to come to our room? Tell him it's very very important". Timmy agrees and continues to play with his legos. A couple of hours later the father comes home and Timmy runs to him and s...

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

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Little Timmy’s playing with his trains

He’s sitting at the dining room table and his toy train pulls up to the station. Timmy says “We’ve arrived at Union Station, if this is your stop, get the fuck off, if you’re heading north, get the fuck on we’re ready to go.”

Timmy’s mom hears him say this and scolds her son. She tells him...

Which Lord of the Rings character was upset because he had no toys to play with?

Legoless.

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Did you hear about the first play with an all nude cast?

They didn’t have to dress for rehearsal.

What game do you play with a wombat?

Wom.

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "You can't play with the boys, they're too rough!"

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Dad, can I play with grandpa?

\- "Only if you bury him back once you're done."

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Why I don’t play golf with Patrick anymore.

My wife asked me why I don’t play golf with Patrick anymore.

So I asked her, “Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt, and generally offends everyone around him on...

Looking back, I now realise how cruel I was, as a child, making our cat play with one of the goldfish.

He nearly drowned

Three wizards decide to play with spells....

They conjure up a slide that leads into a pool and put a spell on it so that whatever you say as you come down the slide will appear in the pool.

The first wizard shouts "BEEEEEERRRR" whilst on the slide and lands in a pool of the best beer ever to be tasted.

The second wizard cries "W...

Young Arnold Schwarzenegger is selected to play a horse in his school play with another kid

The costume consists of two parts. The front part and the rear.

So the kid says: "Ok Arnold, I'll be the front."

So Arnold agrees and says: "I'll be back."

Never play with this guy...

A Hispanic guy always tries to play Call of Duty. His friends keep telling him he really shouldn't, his anger gets the best of him.
He logs on one day, and is doing really well. His team keeps winning, and then out of nowhere he's killed. He rage-quits, and comes back after a few days to play aga...

Momma Momma, Can we play with Grandpa?!

No! You already dug him up three times!

I watched a play with Snow White but only six dwarves

No one was happy.

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What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

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I like to play with myself infront of blind people.

The best part is they never see me cumming

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song way back in 1969 and then went on to play with Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band for that matter, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

When I was a kid, for Christmas I asked for something to wear and something to play with ..

So my father gave me a pair of sweatpants and cut the pockets out.

The teacher told us not to play with fire

Now fire has no friends

I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

"Mommy, Mommy, can I play with grandpa again tomorrow?"

"Sorry, dear, after one week it's high time we close the coffin."

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Don't play with a girl's heart she only has one

play with her tits, she has two of those.

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Uh Dad!!, can we play with that?

David came home after long hours of work. Tired as he was, removed all his clothes and fell on bed naked.

His twin sons walk up to him and ask pointing to his winkers: Dad, what is that??

*Dad: Uh... that....that is a bird.*

*Sons: And dad, what is that?*

*Dad: That is hi...

I had a rough childhood. I couldn't play with toys that required supervision

I only had regular vision

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed o...

You shouldnt play with electricity guys

You might get grounded.

What is Ben Shapiro’s favorite game to play with friends?

MadLibs

My son won't play with the Ouija board I got him.

I even tried it by his grave-nothing

What does the kid play with between the train tracks?

With his life.

Did you know that 80% of people play with themselves in the shower?

The other 20% sings. Do you know what they sing?

I didn’t think so.

What does Harry Potter play with when he's bored?

A quidditch spinner.

(Told to me by a 7 year old)

Looking for a girlfriend that can play with my balls...

The same way that she plays with my feelings

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What do legos and boobs have in common?

They are both made for kids but daddies usually play with them.

Watching the first presidential debate was like watching two people who shouldn’t play with legos argue

One acted like he was under 4 years old and the other acted like he was over 99!

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