Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...
Emo Philips posted his favourite Judy Tenuta joke in honor of her passing:
My favorite Judy Tenuta story: after a show, the comic who opened for her is driving her to their next gig; as they re passing cornfields at 2 AM he asks, "So what did you think of my act" & she replies, "Ask me again when we get a bit closer to town"
Godspeed, Judy Tenuta.
Heresy
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious o...
I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
(Emo Philips)
"Sometimes I miss NYC so much. ..
... I'll fill my humidifier with urine." - Emo Philips
The Good Old Days
> You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
- Emo Philips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.
So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'
- Emo Philips
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
This economy is getting so bad, I had to pose nude for a magazine
I'm never going back to *that* newsstand!
-Emo Philips
Head Teacher: I'm going to have to expel you.
Pupil: You'd have to eat me first, weirdo.
(Shout out to Emo Philips)
I caught a big fish!
I was going to mount it, but there were people around!
Source: Emo Philips
Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump...
Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump, so I approached him and said, “Don’t jump!”
And he said, “I’ve got nothing to live for and no one cares about me in the slightest.”
So I replied, “You’re forgetting about God.”
The man s...
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