Ahoy Matey!

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak ...

Aye matey, what be a pirates favorite letter?

-
-
-
Everyone thinks it be I, but a pirates TRUE love be the C!

How big of a "ye matey" should a pirate have

A vast ye matey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!



*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

A pirate wearing a paper towel on his head walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What’s with the paper towel?”

The pirate says “Arrr matey, I have a bounty on me head!”

Why do pirates love reddit?

Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar

The bartender notices the pirate has a peg leg.

Bartender: Wow! What happened to your leg?

Pirate: We was in a fight on the high seas and there ‘‘twas a cannonball shot into it. They had to amputate me leg.

The bartender then notices a hook on one of his arms.

Bartender: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave gets shipwrecked and stranded on a small tropical island...

... he sets out to explore his new surroundings, and finds another survivor. It's Taylor Swift. He's a bit star-struck at first, but manages to pull it together enough to help her up off the shore.

He manages to build a hut for shelter, and starts a fire for warmth overnight, and finds edib...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unfortunate pirate

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”

Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer han...

What is a pirate’s favorite letter?

Well matey... you’d think it would be Arr, but a pirate’s first love will always be the sea.

What do you call a pirate with military experience?

Army Matey.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?...

If you think R, you be wrong, matey.

For it be the mighty C.

A pirate goes to a doctor...

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.

"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."

The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

(sorry if repost, haven't seen it on this sub)

Why was the pirate army of 100 men at 4/5 strength?

They could only afford to arr matey

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

It's Halloween and a little boy dressed as a pirate goes up to the door and yells "Trick or treat!"

The man opens the door, and upon seeing the little boy says "Hey matey! Where's your buccaneers?"

The little boy says "Under my bunkin' hat!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar... [Long]

A pirate walks into a bar. He has two peg legs, two hooks for hands, and is wearing two eyepatches. As he sits at the bar, one of the patrons turns to him and says, "Excuse me, I can't help but notice you have two peg legs. How did that happen?"


The pirate responds, "Yarrr, matey. I...

Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!

Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first por...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a pirate.

A man strolls into his local bar and is shocked to see a pirate sitting at the end of the bar. The guy was decked out, eye patch, peg leg, and a hook hand. A real, proper pirate.

So the man says "why not?" And pulls up a seat next to the pirate. He buys a round for himself and the pirate and ...

A pirate goes to the doctor..

'Thar be strange moles on me back'
Doctors has a look.
'They're benign'
'Check again matey,I counted 10'

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

(This is an old joke I saw. But haven’t seen it here in a while. So I figured some of you might get a small laugh out of this)

pirate

Which famous writer used to be a pirate?





George arrr arrr matey

A pirate walks into a bar,

He has what appears to be a steering wheel tucked into his pants.

Another patron of the bar asks,

"why do you have that in your pants? Isn't it uncomfortable?"

The pirate responded,

"Aye, matey, it's driving me nuts!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just can't look

A zookeeper notices that all of his female monkeys keep getting pregnant.

After isolating the only male monkey, Bobo, into his own cage, the zookeeper believes the matter to be settled. A few weeks later he sees a few more female monkeys getting pregnant. Perplexed, the zookeeper waits outsi...

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

A crusty, old pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices a giant ship's wheel protruding from his belt buckle.

As the bartender sets down the drink, his curiosity gets the better of him, so he says, "Hey, forgive me for staring, but I couldn't help but notice that giant ship's wheel on your crotch. What's that all about?"

To which the pirate replies, "Aye matey, 'tis no real mystery you see, but it's ...

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks ou...

Old one but still my favorite bartender joke.

A pirate ship captain walks into bar. He shanties up to the counter and slaps has grizzled hand on the bar.

“Yar matey, give me a drink!” he says to the bartender.

The bartender looks over at him, but before he says anything he notices a full-size nautical steering wheel attached to ...

What did one π rad say to the other π rad?

"arrrr matey!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pirate in a Bar

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate c...

A 79 year old pirate has his next birthday this morning....

he wakes up and says to his crew, "AYE-matey!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Punch lines

This is my campaign to reduce re-posting. I'm going to spoil as many often-reposted jokes as I can by posting the punch lines here. Please feel free to help me out.

Ha! I'm the bus driver!

I already have a cat.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day...

A young man takes a seat next to a pirate in a tavern.

He quickly notices that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook in place of a hand, and an eye-patch.

He can’t help himself. “Sir, I just have to ask, what happened to your foot?”

“Well, matey, t’was a vicious storm one night, and I was thrown overboard. A great big shark bit me leg clean o...

Yesterday I met a pirate that wouldn't stop telling me about his age.

Aye matey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gentleman walks up to the bar.

He spots a pint glass at the other end of a fairly long bar.

"Hey, barkeep," he says. "I bet you £1000 that I can piss into that pint glass from here."

The barkeep isn't usually a betting sort of fellow, but he takes a look at how far away the glass is, and accepts the gentleman's bet...

So a pirate walks into a grocery store...

And he asks for blubber. The clerk is amazed to see a pirate and exclaims "Are you *really* a pirate!?"

"Aye, matey."

"Whale: aisle B!" replied the surprised-yet-helpful clerk.

Pirates are sailing when...

... in the distance 2 ships are spotted, all the pirates are called to man their stations and prepare for battle. The captain tells his trusty shipmate to get his red vest. The ship is damaged but the battle against the two ships is won. After the battle the captain's mate says to him, "why dd you a...

Why did the pirate update his Macbook?

His matey told him he needed an iPatch

My friend brought his wife into the pub and he asked me if i thought she was beautiful.

I said 'She's lovely, a great match for you. Got cracking legs matey'

he said: 'Thanks, that's her brittle bone syndrome'

Jesus Joke

Who killed Jesus and then said "Aaaar, Matey"?

Pontius Pirate

An interview with a Pirate

A reporter was interviewing a pirate.
He asked, "Sir, how did you lose your leg?"
"Well, matey, that was back in the bloody war o' '72, when we cut the heads off o' every last one of the deadliest rascals on the Seven Seas, The Mutineers."
"How did you lose your hand?"
"T...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.