Keels Jokes

Man says 2quid

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give... read more

The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.

"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
<... read more

He introduces himself to the barkeep and orders a drink that is enthusiastically provided to him.
Bart downs the drink, keels over and dies.

A patron sitting at the bar observing all this exclaims to the bar keep, "Oh my God! What just happened? Did you just poison Bart Simpson?!"

T... read more

A father, on his deathbed, with his son crying over him.
Son: "I'm so sad"
Father: "Hi sad"... leans in and whispers, I'm dead."
Keels over and dies.

There once was a man named Ish. He was a curious guy, always trying to find out new things. He decided to take a trip all around Europe.

He went to France, Germany, Belgium, Portugal, and eventually ended up smack dab in the middle of Spain. He, being the curious guy that he was, immediately... read more

An English, Scottish & Irish soldier are caught fighting as mercenaries in a foreign land.


As prisoners of war, the General sentences each to 12 months of solitary confinement, but to show he is fair, he will give them each a years supply of a luxury item of their choosing.

... read more

Our story is set out in a wooded hunting reserve. Two men, carrying a backpack and gun each, trekked out into the forest in search of game.
After an hour or two in the forest, one of the hunters keels over and collapses on the ground. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed over. The other h... read more

Two ducks were waddling down the street in Buladean the other day when the first duck says, "Why do you suppose Jewish men get circumcised?"
To which the second duck, never having heard a talking duck before, keels over dead from the shock of it.
Nonplussed, the first duck says, "Because Jewis... read more

This is one my dad sprung on me when I was a kid. For this one, you've got to tell it completely deadpan. Like, this is totally serious, otherwise it won't work. Tried this out a couple of months ago at the lunch table at work. Had them the whole time until the punchline...they were horrified. When ... read more

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.

She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut.... read more

A rabbit hops its way into a trendy cafe in Melbourne.

It says to the nonplussed waiter, "I've munched my way from Sydney to here and I'd like something different to eat."

"What would you like?" asks the waiter.

"A leaf of fresh lettuce between two pieces of toasted white bread,... read more