UPJOKE
annoyanceirritationplagueharassmentinconvenienceannoyvexirritantvexatiousirritateplaguypesterbotherharassmolest

Hmph Jokes

A man went to get his umbrellas repaired.

He brought eight umbrellas to the repair shop and came home by bus. He absentmindedly took the umbrella of the woman next to him as he got up to leave and she cried, "STOP! THIEF!". He sheepishly gave it back and got off the bus. A few days later he collected his umbrellas from the repairer and g...

A mother wakes her son in the morning

'Get up, son, you have to get to school!'

'But Mum, why do I have to go? I hate it!'

'Tell me two reasons why you think you shouldn't go.'

'Firstly: all the kids hate me. Secondly: the teachers hate me even more.'

'Hmph, excuses! C'mon, go get ready!'

'Tell me two ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A freshman at Harvard wanted to go to the library

So he stopped and asked a senior student, “Do you know where the library is at?”

The senior looks disgustingly at him, and, with a snobbish tone replied, “Hmph! We here at Harvard never end our sentences with prepositions!”

“I’m sorry”, the freshman apologises, “I meant to say, do you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy comes home from school.

Mommy says, "what did you do on the way home from school?" The little boy says, "well, on the way home from school, I cut through the park. And I saw Daddy. He was in a car with Aunt Suzy. And he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off, and then..."

Mommy says "hmph, let's save th...

So i was picking some flowers today

I was picking some flowers in the fields today when some pulled over and started yelling

"You're on private property,get off right now, sir!"

Hmph.

Daisy me pickin' They hatin'

A man hosts a party for 4 of his friends.

(This joke is translated from Chinese. It sounds a lot better in the original due to the reiteration and how the syllables works out)


Three of the guests arrived on time, but long has past since they waited for the 4th. The host, impatient, started muttering.

Host: "The one who i...

A man walks into a bar

and orders a drink. While he’s waiting, he can’t help but notice the disgruntled looking fellow sitting next to him. In front of him on the bar, is a tiny man in a tuxedo playing a concerto on a tiny piano. Obviously curious, the man asks:

Hey buddy, what’s with the tiny musician?

“H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not my job award goes to...

So a woman walks into a room and flips the switch only to find that the light bulb is out. She goes to her husband and says "Hun, the light bulb is out. Can you fix it?" The husband responds with "Humph, I'm not an electrician!" Later the wife goes to the store and her tire pops. She then calls her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The time my grandpa went to Africa

One day I was sitting with my grandpa watching TV. As it happened we were watching the Discovery channel when a show about Africa came on.


"Hmph, Africa... I've been there." My grandpa said.


"Really?" I asked, "I never knew you went to Africa grandpa, when was this?"

...

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.