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Handl Jokes

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds.

How does one handle a container of delicate cheeses?

Very Caerphilly

Handling a Karen is like handling a crocodile.

They're only dangerous if you let them open their mouths.

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Why do all the doors in 10 Downing Street have handles?

That place already has enough knobs.

On which side a mug has its handle?

Outside.

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

Can you handle kryptonite?

Because I know Clark Ken't

North Korea is handling Covid surprisingly well

Last week 9/10 doctors said Covid-19 was under control,



This week the stat went up to 9/9!

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I'm handling my porn collection....

Single handedly.

How do you handle a redhead's temper?

Gingerly.

People have been criticizing me because I put glue on my hands before handling my weapons

But sometimes one just needs to stick to their guns

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I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle...

...here is my... other handle? *HOLY SHIT*, I'M A SUGAR BOWL!

I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what?

It wooden start.

What's the best way to single-handledly kill a bunch of communists?

Communism

If you can’t handle me at my worst...

Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.

What country should the clumsy ambassador avoid handling?

China.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

I finally got a job handling finances for a multi billion company!

So excited for my first day as a McDonald's cashier :)

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Someone stole the handle off my faucet!

Water knob!

Best Twitter handle for an older lady:

@InstaGrammy

We could have handled this year better

But hindsight is 2020

EDD doubled their workforce to handle rising jobless claims

Now they can hang up on you in half the time.

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well

I think they nailed it.

Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Its ok. i can handle it.

Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.

Love Handles

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since yo...

I'm so sick of my friends not being able to handle their alcohol

Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me home

How did Ivanka handle her father’s reaction when she suggested they concede?

She shouted: “No Daddy! Stop! I said *concede* not *conceive*”

It was a chilly day of spring when I answered the door to a child holding a plastic pumpkin by the handle.

"Trick or treat!"

"A little late on that one you reckon? Halloween was months ago"

"It was? Sorry, I'm Internet Explorer"

People tell me I'm good at handling credit

Which is why I always have an outstanding balance.

I'm handling Monday the same way I handle constipation.

Gritting my teeth and wishing it pass already.

Haha Granny is too smart to handle.

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer...

How do you handle hazardous materials?

Asbestos you can

We shouldn't make fun of Americans for how they are handling the pandemic

In these hard times, they are trying their best to bring some positivity to the world

I found out why Germany is handling the pandemic so well.

They wash their Hans.

What do you call a paperclip that can't handle the paper?

A little unstaple.

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Four musicians are arguing about who gives the best blowjobs in the band.

The first says, “Clarinet players are the best, because they can put so much in their mouth and still play beautifully.”

The second says, “No, it’s flute players! They can handle the mouthpiece sensitively while still using their fingers.”

The third still disagrees, and says “It’s oboe...

Why was the youtuber so good at handling cows?

Because he was used to milking content.

A duck walks into a tavern and orders a beer.

The bartender thinks "Wow, a talking duck," and pours him a beer.

The bartender asks "I don't think I've seen you in here before. Do you live in the neighborhood?"

The duck says "No, I live across town. I'm a drywaller, and I'm working the office renovation across the street. I...

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
<...

“I handle important transactions for a large multinational company”...

... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald’s.

Why isn’t Santa allowed to handle the bills?

Because Mrs. Clause said she’d divorce him if she caught him blowing bucks again.

How does a tree handle an awkward situation?

It leaves.

When trump was asked if he had handled the pandemic properly, he said

I’m positive

"Prince Andrew, did you manage to handle that interview well?"

"Yeah, no sweat"

I don't think I could handle a 5k

If I could just sit on the couch all day that would be 0k.

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp.

It beats telling them I'm a cashier at McDonald's.

I think EA should be in charge of handling the corona outbreak..

They already erased one Pandemic successfully.

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

Which GoT character has the most handles?

King of the Andals.

If you can't handle losing....

... 'Russian Roulette' is an excellent choice of game.

Who handles font related crimes?

A sans sheriff!

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

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If you can't handle me at my worst....

I don't blame you. That shits ridiculous.

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the...

I replaced the handles on a chest of drawers with crucifixes.

Now it's a cross dresser.

A foreign reporter asked a Beijing citizen for his opinion on the government's handling of the Corona virus

"I can't say"

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I don't think I could handle making love outdoors.

I heard its fucking in tents.

Sorry.

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinnin...

How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat.

He felt offal.

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What did the key say to the door handle ?

You’re such a knob.

How do you handle an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

What will people say when they are able to handle pandemics properly in the future?

Hindsight is 2020.

I’m absolutely done with friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

I don’t think I can handle being in prison...

I just know that if I ever get locked up I won’t finish my senten-

"Being a single dad can be challenging but I know your kind and caring man who can handle it. Maybe that's just the mother in me."

And with that the cannibal untied us and left.

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

How do reproductive organs handle fragile things?

Genitally

I can't handle the pressure of competitions.

Even in eating races I choke!

One of the many situations women tend to handle the wrong way...

Ladies, if a man brings you breakfast whilst you are still in bed, he wants to hear: "Oooh, that is so cute, thank you! I love you!" and not "HOW THE FRAK DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE YOU FRAKKING CREEP?!?!?!".



Just FYI.

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...

What do you call bugs that handle your money?

Fine ants.

I think a lot of linux package handling systems are not good enough for the task.

But the one with Ubuntu is apt.

My son can't handle going to camp this year.

It's in tents

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can't handle the suspense and...

You can guess what the other is.

How does Donald Trump keep a handle on integral equations?

He grabs them by the +c.

A man is going across the border with different bicycles everyday with bags of sand on the handle bars

The border patrol searches methodically and carefully everyday in the sand and they are never able to find anything. An agent retired 7 years later meets the man in a cafe while they’re both getting a coffee. The man asked if he could buy the drink but a question would have to be answered. The man ...

I don't know if I can handle the intensity

My wife just told me she was going to blow me harder then the falcons 28-3 lead.

I don’t know why Donald Trump wants four more years.

He can’t even handle 60 minutes.

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant

It's a real game changer...

What's the difference between a weatherman and an overweight doctor that handles the urinary tract?

One's a meteorologist and the other's a meaty urologist.

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul repli...

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

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The frustrated parents of an acting-out adolescent go to a developmental therapist for advice on how to handle their kid.

"We don't get it, doc," the father begins, "A couple of months ago, she just stopped talking to us."

"Completely locked us out of everything," the mother continues, "We didn't change anything or do anything different, but it's like a switch was flipped, or something."

The therapist, st...

Two engineers are handling a prototype for a new cell phone that they worked on

First engineer: "There's no bezel and it's all made of glass, this thing is going to break so easily!"

Second engineer: "Are you saying that we should redesign this from scratch?!"

First engineer: "Well I think a good case could be made.."

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When a girl says: 'If you can't handle me at my worst...

When a girl says: 'If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'.
What she really means is: 'I'm a fucking psycho'.

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

Interviewer: How would you handle a complaint from a customer?

Applicant: Well that depends, what's the complaint?

Interviewer: He's complaining that his burger had onions on it, even though he specifically asked they were to be removed.

Applicant: Well I'd start by telling him he's in the retail section.

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My girlfriend and I broke up bc I couldn’t handle that she likes her sex like she likes her burgers....

5 Guys

[NSFW] As I was about to drop my pants, she whispered in my ear "I can handle anything you can give me"...

Apparently she can't handle disappointment.

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

A woman went into small town hardware store and told the owner that she needed a new door handle.

He fetched one and asked: "You wanna screw for that?"

She looked around the store and said: "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...

There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.

Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, ...

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