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Hand In Jokes

Walking hand in hand, a daughter looks up at her father and asks, "Daddy, what did YOU want to name me?"

"Zelda honey," he responded, "I wanted to name you Zelda. But on the night you were born, mommy said there was no way I was naming you Zelda. You see honey, mommy went through a lot that night, and I was in no position to win naming rights."

"But why Zelda?" she asked.

"Bec...

A man cuts off two fingers on one hand in a work accident

“Will I still be able to write with it?” He asks the doctor.

The doctor says, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it”

What’s the loneliest hand in all of poker?

Jack King off

Did you know Napoleon always had his hand in his jacket because he broke his arm?

He had a bone-apart

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a handshake.

On earth: A magician puts his hand in his hat.

In the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. It is time. The rabbit council must choose another sacrifice.

What did Bob Marley say when he put his hand in the bread bin?

Is this loaf that I’m feeling?

A mime in my town was arrested by the police after he broke his left hand in a bar fight.

He still….has the right to remain silent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was on a golf course near Doonbeg Ireland and was about to dip his hand in a lake to take a drink of water when the groundskeeper yelled ...

“Oy! - Dinna peut ya haand en a loch! It’s feeeled wi coo piss n coo shite!”

“Hey” - said the man. "I just bought this golf course and we’re going to have the best groundskeepers. The best. I've been talking about it for a long time, along with many other subjects, frankly. What you just said...

What happened when the Chef got caught with their hand in the Dishwasher?

They both got fired

I lost part of my hand in a freak accident that also gave me amnesia

I’m trying to remember what happened, but I can’t put my finger on it

I slammed my hand in the door at the car rentals

It Hertz...

A guy asks his girlfriend's dad for her hand in marriage

A guy asks his girlfriend's dad for her hand in marriage.
The dad says why do you want my daughter's hand.
The guy says it's because he is tired of using his own.

Evolution has its hand in

Everyone’s genes

Johnny raises his hand in class and asks, “Teacher do you think someone should get in trouble for something they didn’t do?”

The teacher responds, “Of course, not!”

Johnny: “Oh, good. I didn’t do my homework.”

A clown and a little kid were walking hand in hand down a dark deserted forest path and the little kid says "Gosh, it's spooky in here!"

And the clown says "What are you scared about? I gotta walk back all alone!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny raises his hand in class...

"Hey Teach, can I go to the bathroom, I gotta take a piss right bad!"
The teacher at the end of her rope dealing with his antics all day screamed at him, "URINATE JOHNNY !! URINATE !!"
Johnny without missing a beat replied, "Thanks teach, I always thought of myself as a solid 7 but apparent...

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today my roommate woke me up by stuffing her hand in my butt, up to the elbow

Next time, I'm going to check my spelling when I request anal arm

Put your right hand in throw your backbone out.

It was probably a bad idea to play the hokey pokey at an old folks home.

What was the snowman doing with his hand in a bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hand in my pants.

As I lay in bed I felt a hand slowly reach down my boxer shorts.

It started fondling my nethers.

The feeling was nice but I wasn't in the mood.

"Not tonight" I whispered, "I'm tired".

"That's not how this shit works", said my cell mate.

I freak out when people wave their hand in the air

But it's like they dont even care

A construction worker lost his hand in an workplace accident.

The insurance company is trying to figure out how it happened but they can't quite put their finger on it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey lost his left hand in a motorcycle accident?

Now he's allright, allright, allright.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on his favorite bench in the park, watching kids play and couples stroll by hand in hand, all in all a nice morning.

After a while, he notices two men in the distance, each carrying a shovel. The first one digs a big hole, goes six feet forward, and digs the next. The second one waits about two minutes, and fills the holes again behind his buddy.

This goes on until they have dug and filled ten holes, after ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate put my hand in warm water when I was sleeping

He really took the piss out of me

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