UPJOKE
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Cred Jokes

My father is Cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am......

.....


an Ice Cube

Cred: Russell Peters

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass

Just wanted to make that clear

When people ask me do I have street cred?

I always reply "I was on the inside for nine months."

V1. What do you call snacks with people you like?

Friend chips.

Open to edits and suggestions. My daughter helped with the crunchy part of the joke.

Apparently I wasn’t worthy of posting it to r/dadjokes because of my lack of commenting on other people’s posts to build up my street cred. Apparently up voting things isn’t enough.

Did you hear about the beautiful strangler?

He was breathtaking.



a small amount of cred to another post i read on this sub today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

A man tries to get into a club

The bouncer says, "I'd like to see your id"

The man replies, "I want to drink until I black out and screw anything that walks."

The bouncer nods his head respectively, "and your superego?"

"Ill have a few drinks and get a ride home."

Cred to C&H

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from a blood bank?

A cab

Cred: Spongebob, my role model

My friend and I recently watched the Star Wars films back to back in preparation for The Last Jedi...

unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the screen.

Creds: The one liner king Milton Jones

Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?

She had power and time but didn't get the work done.

Creds to my friend for that one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny asks his mother

’Where do babies come from?’

’The stork’ she says

And Johnny replies ’Oh yeah? Who fucks the stork?’

Cred to u/SirJonTheDom

the knights

What is the name of the knight who moonlights as a geologist?

Sir Vey

What is the name of the agreeable knight?

Sir Tenly

What is the name of the Knight who used to be a slave?

Sir Vent

What are the names of the Knights who run the graduation ceremony?
...

What does an egg say when he gets turnt?

Om lit



cred: my friend DaMexicanBurrito from playstation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What comes after sextillion?

Babytillion!

(Creds: my math professor who has her doctorate in mathematics)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss asked if he dropped his watch in the toilet

Because I was shitting on his time

And joke creds to him. I was also fresh out of witty comebacks...

What a kid I got

I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

'creds: Rodney Dangerfield'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What type of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White Vans.
Creds to a friend of mine :)

How does a train driver operate a train while eating gum?

He goes chew chew chew...


creds to my 5yo brother

Two elderly women sitting on a bench....

One leans in and says "I just pulled a silent but deadly". The other leans back and says "I think you need a new hearing aid.

(I'm not taking creds for this I didn't make it up)

A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant and sees a sign that reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $2.00 SALAD: $4.50 HAND JOB: $15.00

He decides to order and an exceptionally attractive blonde comes over. "What may I get you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
...

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