UPJOKE
placelocationplacerplacementlocatesitesituatevenuesuperpositionlocalitylocatorlocalizationlocusplaceablecampsite

Ador Jokes

An adorable old woman visits the doctor.

“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.”

The doctor say...

She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”

Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.

She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. You're adorable."

Now she likes me. All I did was correct her typo.

I absolutely adore alliteration.

Amateurs aren't aware of it's awesomeness.

My veterinarian says my dog has an absolutely adorable disease.

She has a cute pancreatitis.

*Update:* This is somewhat real. My dog went into the dog hospital last night. She's doing a little better today and she will probably make it. I had to joke because this is a tough ride to take without it.

*Update* My dog is home now. She's we...

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

I had a girlfriend who was adorable...

...so I called her Dory.

I had one who was cute, so I called her Cutey.

I had one who was lovable so I called her Lovey.

I was infatuated with my most recent girlfriend and called her Fatty.

Stitches come out next week.

I really adore the inherent pacifistic attitude of the vegans.

They don't want to have any beef with people.

That isn't to say that they are cow-ards

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son adorably can't pronounce Ks and they always come out as Ts...

... it was all cute until he asked my neighbour if he could "stroke her titties".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an adorable sex-worker?

Prosticute

In the 1980s, Gorbachev was adored by the West...

... But very much hated by his own people. All of Russia despised the man who caved in to the West and weakened the mighty Soviet Union. Many wanted to have his head, even his officials and the KGB.

One day at the Red Square, Gorbachev was giving a speech in front of the public. The KGB deci...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two residents of an old folks home fall in love…..

June and Freddy. And they adore each other but they are too old and weak for sex. So the way they show affection is that each evening, June visits Freddy in his room, they sit side by side in their armchairs, and June just holds Freddy’s penis in her hand while they watch TV. That’s their love life ...

Whats the difference between affection and adore?

You can't slam your wife's head in affection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just adore this one from Arthur Koestler.

Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be behe...

I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex offender's girlfriend left him saying that he didn't adore her body enough

Harassment nothing to him

My female friend sent me a text message saying: 'your adorable' ...

I texted her back: 'No, you're adorable'.

Now she thinks I'm interested in her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that comparative brain scans of elephants reveal that they find humans to be "adorable".

I mean, your mom told me I was sexy, but I didn't realize that it was a biological reaction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

A joke I adore despite it being completely telegraphed.

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men STOP So I told her to sit down and shut up STOP Guess what... She couldn't do either STOP

There's a group of people who say they for years they've adored these three sunflowers growing together...

...and then three sunflowers which looked the same and just as beautiful were planted next to them but did not grow very tall. Purely because of this, the people insisted and raged that the new sunflowers were an abomination that totally destroyed the beauty and awe of the three tall sunflowers perm...

What is perfectly adorable, good as new, and has seven tiny dents in it...

Snow White's hymen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man walks into a bar looking annoyed and sullen. "What's the matter, son?" asks an older patron.

The young man sighs.

"I have a girlfriend who's very nice and very pretty."

"So? What's the problem?"

"Actually, she's not just pretty. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met in my life."

"That sounds great."

"Not only that, she also adores me and wants to b...

My dog becomes even more adorable after five pints of beer.

He starts stumbling everywhere and rolling around.

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

I met a girl from El Salvador. I told her she was El salvAdorable...

But she said she's heard that a Brazilian times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

A man and his wife retire after working at their respective jobs for 40+ years and settle on a nice ranch out in the country

The wife asks if she can adopt a cat since all of their kids have grown and moved on, so she was having some empty nest syndromes going on

The husband agrees and they adopt a cat from the local shelter

And this woman adored the cat, lavishing all kinds of love onto the animal

Un...

A woman goes into labour and her husband takes her to the hospital.

As she is laying in the hospital bed, the nurse tells her of a new type of technology that allows a percentage of her pain to be passed to the father of the child. They both agree, so start on 10% to be transferred.

However, the husband says he can feel nothing, and is willing for it to be tu...

Fibonacci’s day at the fair

One day Fibonacci goes to the fair with his friends: Ms.One, Mr.Five, and Dr.Twenty.


While Fibonacci perused the fairgrounds, his friends decided to enjoy a variety of different competitions and games.


Ms.One thought to try her hand at the ring toss and ball throwing games. S...

Wife (to husband): How would you describe me?

Husband: ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: What do you mean?

Husband: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Funny, Graceful, Helpful, Intelligent.

Wife: What about JK?

Husband: Just Kidding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't Stop

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how...

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."


She asked, "What does that mean?"


He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."


She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about ...

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

A woman and her husband got a dog

They show off their new dog to their friend, who absolutely adores the little guy.

“What a good boy!” Their friend says. “Did you adopt him?”

“No,” says the wife, “he’s our biological dog”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adam and Eve...

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflecti...

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your child...

Voldemort is like a teenage girl.

He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy.

knock knock

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!

Father:You were ado..

Daughter : I was adopted?

Father : You were adorable as a baby

Daughter : Oh.

Father : That's why we adopted you.

What kind of table is good for your health?

A vegetable!

This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!

It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.

A guy stops at a little cake shop ran by an elderly couple.

He asks for a cup of coffee. The old man who was working the counter turns to the kitchen and says "Sweetie! A cup of coffee to this gentleman please!"

The man found that rather cute and, deciding he could use some cake with his coffee decided to order a slice. The elderly man turned to the k...

Dad on his death bed: Son, I have to tell you something

Son under his breath: I bet I’m adopted

Dad: You were ado...

Dad dies

Son: Knew it

Dad wakes up: You were adorable as a baby

Dad dies

Son: Awww, thats so sweet

Dad wakes up: That’s why we adopted you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is mad because I told her I wanted to show our love to the world

She found it adorable at first but now wants me to remove that video from pornhub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the reception a man stands up for his toast and starts speaking cheerfully.

- What a lovely couple you two are, just adorable. And so many wonderful wishes from all of your beloved guests. But if I may, I would like to wish something for myself. I wish for the bride to give me a blowjob.
The guest are shocked, the room goes silent and the groom, a hulk of a man, stands u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Amazing looking meals is called Food porn. Beautiful outdoor landscapes is called Nature porn...

But when I want to look up pictures of adorable kids the FBI shows up on my doorstep.

Are you RACIST?

Why, yes, I am R.A.C.I.S.T:

Respect my friend's different beliefs

Adore the little quirks in their traditions

Care for my friends, no matter their skin color

Inform myself on what taboos I should never break

Smile when they speak their native tongues

The Fre...

A little girl walks into a pet store...

A little girl walks into a pet store and approaches the clerk. "Im looking for a wabbit" she says.

The clerk, taken aback by how adorable this girl is, asks "Aww, well would you like a white wabbit, or a brown wabbit?"

The little girl replies "I dont think my python gives a thit"

What do i do when i see someone gorgeous?

I stare,
I adore,
I smile,





Then i put the mirror down.

My wife is a cyclops

She’s the one eye adore

Pandas are to Bears what Vegans are to Humans

Adorably unfit to survive

Christmas Pageant

Sister Margaret's kindergarten class is performing the traditional Nativity scene for their adoring parents.

Cue the three magi.

The first little tyke bellows, "Here, I bring you a gift of gold!"

The second confidently says, "Here, I bring you myrrh!"

The third hesitate...

Donald Trump is walking along a beach

He stumbles over an old bottle, he picks it up and pulls the cork.
With a flash of light and a puff of smoke a Genie appears before him.

"Thank you Donald for releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any 1 wish"

Trump immediately blurts out "I want a Dragon like from game of t...

Three guys die in a car crash...

At the pearly gates, the angel says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen. You were taken before your time. We can’t send you back, but we'll give you one last request. You can have your family and friends say anything you want at your funeral, and it will become true. What do you want it to be?”

One guy sa...

A couple is expecting their first child

The father is overjoyed. He goes to the nearest clothing store and gets a little shirt, a tiny pair of pants, an adorable little hat, and the most exquisite (and expensive) pair of shoes for his soon to be child. He and his wife stand on their porch, waiting for 2 whole weeks for the stork to arrive...

Two of my married (to each other) geeky friends enjoy couples-themed cosplay.

Every convention I see them in different outfits. One year it was Doctor McCoy and Nurse Chapel. The next they went as Luke and Leia. Then they went as the 4th Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith.

Well, the lady had a baby after that. The next time I saw them, He was dressed up as Number 6 Patr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to watch movies with my friend when we’re growing up.

One thing I don’t really get is how he used to adore who I hate. Johnny in The Karate Kid, Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter, Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. They are the definition of a bully.

He just came out last week. No wonder he likes assholes, he’s gay.

Bunny

A little girl walks into a pet shop. She asks the owner for a bunny, to which he responds "what kind of bunny would you like? A cute black one, an adorable brown one or perhaps a sweet little white one?"

The girl looks at the owner and answers: "I don't think my python really cares..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe Rogan Jokes

I adore what Joe Rogan has done for the DMT community and long-form interviews on his awesome podcast.

But when he uses his not-insignificant talents to do retread homosexual jokes and stolen sound effects (RIP Sam Kinison) for a mostly male heterosexual audience, one cannot help but wonde...

What do you call a male cow wearing a pink shirt, orange shorts, and a purple backpack?

Adorable
(A-dora-bull)

[WTS]Used Iphone 6S dropped by Son,[Still Functionable][Price Negotiable]

He is 4 years old and he is really adorable,PM me if interested

About me

My broken heart.

I think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist.
I'm not going to brag, but I could play the harp brilliantly.

I worked in an orchestra and after a concert I met this amazing woman.
Now I absolut...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

General Custer

General Custer just died at his infamous last stand, his wife, making funeral arrangements speaks to his best friend who was also at the battle. " You we there in his final moments, I want you to make his tombstone commemorating his final thoughts and wishes." Mrs. Custer says, thinking it's thoug...

People say that using your pet name as password is very bad idea...

but my bcQr#1f!e is just so adorable!

How many sheep?

A blonde woman is tired of people assuming she's stupid and dyes her hair red. Feeling empowered, she goes for a car ride down a country road. Soon she sees a farm with hundreds of sheep. She walks up to the owner of the farm and makes this proposal: "These sheep are adorable, if I guess how many th...

How are babies like hinges?

They are things to adore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus fed 5,000 Jewish people

With bread and fish, and he's adored for it.

I don't get it,

Hitler made 6 million Jewish people toast and he's hated for it

Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys wer...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.

All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before:

Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me"

Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my fri...

When the construction of the chief's new house was completed, he hosted a feast to thank these who aided him during the construction.

During the feast, everyone congratulates him and said: " You're extremely competent to build houses like this one here."

His wife heard the compliment and spoke for her husband: " Well, the credit isn't all my husband's, the credit goes to these who contributed! "

After the feast, ever...

My wife got my daughter a bowl with Dora on it

It's adorable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

RIP

One night, Joe brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. “How lovely, dear,” she said, “what’s the occasion?”
“I want to make love to you,” he said simply.
“Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”

The next night Joe came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stingy man on his deathbed

An extremely cheap old man was on his deathbed, a few minutes away from drawing his last breath.

Throughout his life, he spent as little as possible and never said how much money he had, so his family were waiting for him to finally tell them about his wealth.

With all his relatives a...

There was once a boy

Forgive me for my bad english, its my second language. Feel free to give corrections if there are any

There was once a boy who treats everyone garbage, making fun of someone by who they are in the outside. His mother didn’t approve this behavior and told to his son that it was not right to ri...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.