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Adolf Jokes

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Adolf Hitler went to consult a fortune teller

He asked the fortune teller: "When will I die?"

The fortune teller answered: "Sir, You will die on a Jewish holiday"

Hitler asked back: "How are you so sure about that"

He replied: "Sir, whatever day you die on will be a Jewish holiday"

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Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?"

"Hail, Hitler"

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

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Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?

He hated the juice.

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If I am in a room with Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and Benito Mussolini....

Then I am probably suffering from Schizophrenia.

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I told my wife that I have the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

She said, "It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."

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It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler

Hitler volunteered for the army.

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What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft.

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What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?

Usain bolt can finish a race..

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A time traveler meets Adolf Hitler in a bar

Instead of trying to kill him and mess up the timeline he instead sits down to have a drink with Hitler.

The time traveler looked at Hitler and asked “So how are you doing?”

“Pretty terrible, I just got kicked out of art school.”

“Well that sucks, you’ll probably land on your fe...

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

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A vegan is at the entrance of a university campus trying to get others to become vegan

He sees an angry and disappointed kid walking out of the campus, and takes the opportunity to ask if they want to become vegan.

“You know who else was vegan?” the angry kid responds. “Adolf Hitler. And I just got kicked out of art school right now, so I’m not taking any risks.”

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Adolf Hitler wasn't so bad...

I mean he did kill Hitler.

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Adolf Hitler dies and arrives at the gates of heaven …

Jesus opens the gate and asks what he wants.

“ can I get into heaven ?”asks Hitler.

Jesus looks at him in disbelief “ your joking? You’re Adolf Hitler one of the most hated men in history, responsible for the death and suffering of millions.. I don’t think so!”

Hitler says “ I t...

"Mom, mom, quiz me on capitals please!"

"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"


"That's easy, Berlin."


"And the capital of France?"


"Berlin"


"And the one of Poland?"


"Also Berlin."


"Good job Adolf, good job!"

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Adolf Hitler never took a taxi in his whole life.

He was more of an Uber-mensch.

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Why did Adolf Hitler hate math class?

He didn't like showing his work; was only interested in the final solution.

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Russian foreign minister, Sergei Lavrov said yesterday that Adolf Hitler had Jewish roots. Historians replied...

"Oooh, So that's why he killed himself..."

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Adolf Hitler has just took up golf...

He always manages to find himself in the bunker.

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76 years ago today, Adolf Hitler did what no one else was able to do

He killed Hitler.

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Why didn’t Adolf Hitler drink?

It would just turn him into a bit of an asshole.

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Why did Adolf Hitler wear contacts?

Because he could Nazi.

Old Finnish WW2 joke

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.

British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.

"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.

"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.

Eh...

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A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler

One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.

Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses.

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Adolf Hitler is given a day out of hell, back on Earth.

Half an hour later, he's pounding on hell's gates: "Let me back in, I don't want to be there! It's all strange - the Jews are fighting and the Germans are trading!"

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Adolf Hitler has never touched Call of Duty...

...and yet, he still has a better KDR than me.

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When Adolf Hitler gets angry and leaves...

Is he taking his ball and going home?

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If Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Justin Bieber were in an elevator with me and I only had two bullets, I would...

..wonder why I didn't bring a fucking gun!

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Why did Adolf Hitler commit suicide?

He saw the gas bill.

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I‘m sure Adolf Hitler went to hell

Suicide is a big sin

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Who was Adolf Hitler's least favorite athlete?

O.J. Simpson. Everyone knows Hitler hated The Juice.

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Why did Adolf Hitler commit suicide at the end of WW2?

He was mad that Stalin had killed more Russians than he ever could.

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Before art school, Adolf Hitler tried programming,

but he always got stuck on race conditions.

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I don't know why people hate Adolf Hitler so much

I mean the dude killed Hitler, sounds like a hero to me

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

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Hitler dies and goes to hell...

As he arrives, Satan greets him.

"Welcome to hell, Hitler." He says. "You deserve a place here for your actions. I will show you 3 rooms, and you'll have to switch places with the person inside the room. Now, follow me please."

Hitler stays silent and follows Satan. They walk into a co...

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What is Adolf Hitlers favorite letter of the alphabet?

I dont know but im 100% sure its not Z

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Remember, tomorrow is Adolf Hitler’s birthday

I’ve got a cake all ready for him in the oven

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Why did Adolf Hitler fail Art School?

He hated mixing colour.

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Adolf Hitler is walking around in a prisoner camp.

As he is passing through he see a kid who is giving his food rations to an injured dog.

Hitler walks up to the kid and asks him, "Why are you giving your food to the dog? You know you wont get extra."

The boy replies, "The dog needed it more than me, sir."

Hitler felt something ...

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What do Dale Earnhardt and Adolf Hitler have in common?

They both died before finishing a race.

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What did Adolf Hitler say when he got shampoo in his eye?

Ahhh I can Nazi!!!

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Adolf Hitler goes to a fortune teller to have his future read to him...

He walks up to the gypsy and she looks deep into he crystal ball. She tells him that he would die on a jewish holiday. Hitler, stunned by her prediction, seems worried and asks her what makes her so sure of her prediction. She replies “Because any day that you die on will be considered a jewish h...

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What happens when you mix Adolf Hitler and domestic violence?

Adolf *Hit-Her*

How did Adolf tie his shoes?

With two knotzies.

Dad, my Geography teacher Adolf will give me a quiz tomorrow.

Sure Hans. Let me ask you some questions.

Capital of Germany? Berlin

Capital of France? Berlin

Capital of Russia? Berlin

Capital of Poland? Berlin

Capital of USA? Tokyo

Capital of China? Tokyo

Hotel? Trivago

That's my boy.

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Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Adolf Hitler are all running in a race, who wins?

Hitler, cause he’s the racist

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What did Hitler say as he penetrated a dolphin?

I’m fucking Adolf in!

Not the best but thought of it myself :D

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Adolf Hitler has been judged very harshly by history however..

he did kill Hitler.
NB: stolen from Jimmy Carr

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Adolf Hitler banned 5k races but sponsored an annual marathon...

...Because Marathons are the master race.

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I inherited one of the paintings done by Adolf Hitler today.

I don't want to hang it in my house though. I'm afraid it's bad Jew Jew.

What do you call a German dolphin?

Adolf-in

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What do you call a movie about Adolf Hitler?

The Germinator.

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What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did?

Remove Polish using chemicals.

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Hitler at a bar

A man walks into a bar and believes to see Adolf Hitler sitting on a bar stool. The man walks up to the man, and in an unsure tone, asks: Are you Adolf Hitler. At which point the following conversation ensues:

Hitler: Why yes, I am

Man: I thought you were dead!

Hitler: No, my f...

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What do Terry Fox and Adolf Hitler have in common?

Neither one of them could finish a race.

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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

geography test

What is the capital of Austria?

\- Berlin

What is the capital of France?

\- Berlin

What is the capital of Poland?

\- Berlin

All wrong. Adolf, you're gonna fail the test

\- We shall see

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A guy goes to a psychic so he can find out what future has in store for him.

After a few minutes the psychic tells him he will be responsible of milions of deaths.

The guy then leaves, very worried about what he just heard. While walking down the street, he sees a car going very fast towards a little boy and it was looking like the boy will get hit.

He runs to ...

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The world would be a much better place if people like Adolf Hitler were still born.

EDIT: typo, 'stillborn'

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So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf Hitler... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up hi...

What did the wife name her newborn quintuplets?

Adolf, Rudolph, Get-off, Stay-off and F-off.

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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish,

But Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast

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Names for different types of Golf shots.

There have been a number of humorous names for different types of golf shots, and I was wondering if anyone had heard of any more. Some examples:

Rock Hudson - A putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

Princess Grace - Should have used a driver, but didn't.

Princess Diana - Use...

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A joke a school kid told me which always stuck

Knock knock

Who's there?

Adolf

Adolf who?

A-dolf balls stuck in my mouth

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Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

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Hitler walks into a bar.

The owner, surprised to see the German leader at his bar, asks if he’d like his top-notch bourbon on the house. “No thanks,” Hitler replies. “I’ll just take a screwdriver.” One screwdriver turned into 10 before Adolf called it quits and headed home.

The next night, Hitler returned to the bar...

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John was visiting Germany when he met a local named Gunther.

They immediately struck up a friendship and began chatting. After a pleasant chat John asked Gunther what he did for a living. Gunther explained “while, I am the creator of the minions from the Despicable Me franchise.” “Wow, that is so cool, John says excitedly.” “My son loves those little guys. On...

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Menachem Begin (the sixth Prime Minister of Israel) walks into a bar,

and to his amazement just down the end, talking to the bar-tender is no one but Adolf Hitler himself. Well Begin thought to himself, this is my chance to find out what makes this guy tick.

So he goes up to him and says, “Hitler, what the hell you doing here?”

Hitler looks over at Mena...

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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

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Today is 4/20 and we all know what that means -

Happy birthday, Adolf Hitler!

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Nazi

Rudolph Hess edited Mein Kampf for Adolf Hitler, making him the first grammar Nazi.

Geography class

-Whats the capital of Germany?

-Berlin teacher

-Whats the capital of France?

-Berlin again teacher

-Whats the capital of Poland?

-Still Berlin teacher

-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!

-We'll see about that

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What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

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What do you call a Nazi leader who only listens to obscure bands?

Adolf Hipster

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

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Putin`s chauffeur

Vladimir Putin is in his limo, being driven through the Russian countryside. All of a sudden, there is a big bang and a big bump. Putin yells at his chauffeur, "What the hell was that?!"
The chauffeur replies, "I ran over a big pig that was lying in the middle of the road. I\`m pretty sure I...

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Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

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A man walks into a bar... (No offense jewish people)

and sees another man sitting down having a drink that looks exactly like Adolf Hitler. The man goes and sits down at the bar next to the fellow that looks like Hitler and asks, "Are you Hitler?"
The man replies, "Yes! I am Adolf Hitler! I am the man that killed six million jews and one canadian."...

One time I gave my honest thoughts on this dude’s art

I said “I appreciate the effort, but you should really look into another career, Adolf”

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