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5k Jokes

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My wife and I keep on collecting 5k race t-shirts, without actually participating in the races.

It’s our running joke

Where are those guys who told me I can earn 5k a month by sitting at home. We need to talk.

Sorry for ignoring you in the past.

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A Black Guy, a Japanese guy, a Chinese Guy, an Arab, a Turk and a second Black guy walk into a bar

The Arab guy sits down at the bar and subsequently, he gets served first.

The bartender says, "what'll it be?"

The Arab guy says to him, "I think I'll get a Mich Ultra. Nothing too high calorie; I'm actually trying to lose a few pounds for the upcoming charity 5k next month."

Th...

It was supposed to be the town bus drivers' annual 5k fun-run today..

But most of them pulled out without any indication.

After years of training, I ran my first 5K alone!!

As a bank teller, it feels nice.

My grandma started running 5K / day at age 60

She's 93 now, we have no idea where she is

All these new fancy 4K, 5K even 8K TVs, and here I am with no TV.

And that's 0K

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

I don't think I could handle a 5k

If I could just sit on the couch all day that would be 0k.

I haven't run a 5K for the longest time.

I usually try to go for the shortest.

Just made this up myself, but someone's probably come up with it before though...

I just barely crossed the finish line in a Law and Order 5k race.

I would have got first, but the cops beat me to it.

What do you call a benefit 5k for Alzheimer’s?

A Walk to Remember?

Kool-Aid Man runs a 5k with a leak...

Punch line ensues.

I'm going to run a 5K to Finland.

When you enter the country it will be the Finnish line.

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Adolf Hitler banned 5k races but sponsored an annual marathon...

...Because Marathons are the master race.

An old man is about to die.

While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.

One week later the old man dies.

At his funeral the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coff...

What do you call a group of out of shape hookers running a 5k?

Pantyhoes

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for a $5K loan

The loan officer requested collateral, and the man gave him the keys of the Rolls-Royce. The car was driven into the bank's underground parking and the man was given the $5K.



Two weeks later the man goes to the bank and asks to settle up his loan. The officer tells him "It will be $5...

Saw a sign that said "Join a 5k run! Fight childhood obesity!"

Shouldn't the kids just run it themselves?

Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks

What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?

This place is 5k from a school, right?

[gun goes off]

[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]

ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

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One of my drill sergeants favorite stories

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

Its still christmas time

I really appreciate how some people still give gifts to poor guys on the street, even after christmas.

For example yesterday I saw someone giving his credit card and 5k$ to a guy who only had a knife...

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

My wife didn’t appreciate this joke but we saw a guy on a jog wearing a white glove.

I said he was running a Jackson 5k.

It’s Perfectly fine to dislike certain races

I like running the 5k personally, my friend runs the 10k and he’s like that better though

All races are not made equal

The 10k is twice as long as the 5k race

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For 3 years, a guy tries to sleep with a girl

But he never convinced her.

One day he came up with an offer. He asked her if she wanted to do anal for $3k. She said no.
He offered her $4k, she still said no. He then raised it to $5k and told her that's the maximum I can give you. She thought about it and said yes.

They went to...

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Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

The people at my new job must be pretty fit...

They asked me if I wanted to sign up for their 401k, i can barely even run a 5k.

Elderly vacation

An elderly couple were vacationing in Jerusalem and on the night before the return trip, the wife passed away in her sleep unfortunately.

When the widowed husband went to retrieve his beloved wife’s body he was given two options.

1. Pay $5k for expenses in order to have his wife shi...

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A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

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After a mass

Little Johnny says to the priest
LJ: That was so fucking cool
Priest: Don't swear, my son
LJ: But it really was fucking cool
Priest: Go on the road of God while you still have time
LJ: It was so fucking cool that I decided to donate 5k to the church
Priest: You have got to be fuck...

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Rich woman comes to the CEO of bank

Rich blonde woman comes to the CEO of bank. I want to deposit ten million Euro.

OK says the CEO, I just have to ask, how did you get this money.

By betting, says the woman.

By betting, asks the CEO.

Yes, by betting, answers the woman, let me show, I would place a bet wi...

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Adult store

Bob started his first day at the adult store. Half way thru the day he felt comfortable and was absorbing everything the store owner is teaching him.

Then the store owner gets an emergency store and has to leave. He tells Bob "I have to leave do you want me to close the store or can you ha...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

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