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Your Mum Jokes

Your mum is so slow

It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke

Your mum is so fat

Before she was buried the earth was a disc.

Your mum is...

...like a shopping cart. Insert a coin and you can ride all day long.

(I bet you've never heard that before)

Son: why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram

Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alan

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Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

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love your Mum

The other night I went out with my work friends without telling my wife .. I thought I would only have one drink but then one drink became two and then three and then you know how it goes .. I arrived home around 3am stumbling in through our front door trying not to make a noise .. I made myself a h...

Your mum is like a bra,

Close to your heart and there for support

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town".
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad".
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himse...

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What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke.

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

What does your mum and the Bermuda triangle have in common

They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen

What does your mum and Jupiter have in common

They both take care of the most amount of offspring within their group, while having to deal with a harsh and unstable environment



...



And they weigh over 20 quadrillion tons

Your Mum's so Mean

she doesn't even have a standard deviation.

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What has a jumbo jet and your mum got in common?

They've both got a big cockpit.

[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...

... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished whoring for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".

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So I heard your mum is into fitness..

Fitness dick in her mouth

What's the difference between 'your mum' and 'knock knock' jokes?

A door doesn't let you come inside.

What is the difference between your mum and my homework?

I didn't do my homework last night

What do you call your mum who is shorter than you?

A minimum.

I rang my brothers house....

...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.

"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?

"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."

"What about your Mum?" I said

"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.

"What are ...

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A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?

"Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied....

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A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

I wanna get married!

So a four year old says to his dad, "I want to get married dad". His dad, obviously a little bemused, chuckles and asks his son, "who do you want to marry?" His son responds, "to grandma." His dad chuckles a little and responds, "that's a little tricky. Why do you want to marry Grandma?" The son rep...

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"Get in," I said to the prostitute.

"Hey," she smiled.

I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."

"Selling my body for sex?" she asked.

I said, "No, sitting in a car with a murderer."

A boy asks his father: "Dad, why is the food so cold and bland?" The dad replies:

Your mum put her heart and soul into it.

Little Johnny was playing in his room,…

When his dad walked in and explained that he and his mum were getting a divorce.

“Why Daddy?” asked a confused Little Johnny.

“Well, son” he explained, “Your mother and I are no longer in love.”

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, “What does being in love mean?”

“Let...

What weighs 40 tons, fits seven guys and is just getting towed away by 2 rednecks in a tractor?

Your Mum.

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Me and my friend getting high in my room. Friend: Did you know that your cum holds 1.5 TB of data per ejaculation?

Me: That's how I DDoS your mum bruh.

You're so ugly...

You're so ugly that when you were told 'you have a face only a mother could love' your Mum sued them for defamation of character.

Stupid but hope you like it sorry for bad grammar

A scottsman an Irishman and an Englishman are all on a plane the scotsman has a bomb an irishman has a knife and the Englishman has a brick the Irishman they all drop there things out of a window when the Irishman gets home he find his dad crying on the sofa in his living room he asks what's wrong h...

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When I was a kid my mum walked in on me masturbating

A little later she had send my dad up to talk to me about it.

"So your mum told me you were, you know... Touching yourself down there - and, ergh... Don't do that son, it'll male your eyes go bad"

I said: "I'm over here dad"

There was a family of 3 balloons - long

Mummy, daddy and baby balloon. The time had come that baby balloon had grown so big he no longer fit between his mum and dad in bed so they decided it was best he slept alone in his own bed from there on out.

Bedtime comes and off baby balloon goes to be tucked in, only to still be awake an ...

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Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.”

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, ...

A man calls his home and a boy answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"Hey dad it's me," answers the boy

"Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks

"Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers

"Where is your mother?" asks the man.

The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman."
...

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Properly offensive mum jokes?

My friend and I had a habit of mum jokes duelling and putting standard 'yo mumma' to shame. All to the spirit of pushing the boundary. One point I came up with this:

'Your mum so loose, when you were born, it felt so good that she used you as a dildo and pushed you right back in.'

Anyo...

Ugly Kid

You're so ugly, when you were born, your mum said, "what a treasure!" and your dad said, "Yeah. Let's Bury it!"

Greatest situational joke I've ever told...

A girl I know was talking about how her white mum was an Indian chef, which my other friend couldn't quite grasp and said "How can your mum be an Indian chef if she's not Indian?"

I replied "You can be a pizza chef and not be a pizza".

Had a couple people in tears saying that so I tho...

A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."

I told my dad I couldn't believe I'd failed my biology exam.

He said , I'm your mum.

A family goes overseas on a camping holiday

The 2 kids become friendly with a wild skunk. Over the course of the holiday they build up the skunks trust and they are able to handle it, pet it, feed it and play with it. They love the skunk and the skunk loves them.

On the last day of the holiday, the family is packing up their camp site ...

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