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A brief history of WWII, told as a bar joke:

An Italian, a German, and an Austrian walk into a bar.

In the bar there’s an American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman, and a Japanese man.

The Frenchman starts talking smack, but when the German throws a punch he immediately surrenders and runs out of the bar.

Meanwhile the Engl...

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII.

Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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WWII Army Major walks into the medical wing.

He approaches the first bunk

Major: Why are you here Soldier?

Soldier: Syphilis Sir!

Major: How are they treating it Soldier?

Soldier: 5 minutes a day with a wire brush Sir!

Major: What is your ambition Soldier?

Soldier: To get back to the front lines Sir!<...

In WWII, a soviet army marches through Finland...

Suddenly, from over the hill, they hear a voice shout, "One Finnish soldier is worth 10 Soviets!"

The Soviet commander is annoyed. He sends 10 troops over the hill to investigate. After a few minutes, he hears gunshots, screams, and then silence. Then the voice shouts again, "One Finnish sol...

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What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen....

A fibbin' Nazi sequence

A WWII pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.


(At this point, several of the children giggle.)


I looked up,...

So an American WWII soldier finally takes a break from the frontlines...

So an American WWII soldier finally takes a break from the frontlines and is on a train to London, where he will tour for the next week or so.
He boards a train and notices that there are no empty seats, as it is overcrowded, and begins to search for an empty seat. He walks to one end of the trai...

In WWII, Hungary had finally declared war on the USA. An envoy is sent to the US embassy, where they handed over the formal declaration, after which the following conversation took place:

\- What is your form of government?

\-Kingdom.

\-Who's your king?

\- We don't have a king, but a regent.

\- Okay, then who's the regent?

\- Admiral Miklós Horthy.

\- Admiral? So do you have access to the ocean?

\- No.

\- Okay. Do you...

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WWII, nazis came to some village and decided to have a little fun

So, they line up all the men from the village and pick one of their women. And one of the nazis says: "We'll kill all of you unless you will find your husband while blindfolded only by touching his dick".


So, they blindfold her and she begins touching. "Not mine, not mine, not mine, this ...

The kids at middle school are studying WWII...

... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces:

"Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and on...

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In 1944, Germany was losing WWII and was desperate for money. Nazi party officials secretely visited Switzerland bankers and offered to trade an entire division of Panzers in exchange for precious metals.

Tanks for the gold!

I Once met a old man who said he took down 23 planes on WWII

he was the worse mechanic i've ever seen

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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts.

When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. St...

They say that WWII was won with American steel, British intelligence, and Soviet blood

Of course, they wouldn’t have gotten very far on Soviet steel, American intelligence, and British blood

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

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An American battleship is on a shore during WWII.

The people on the ship are discussing a plan to destroy a 1000 person Nazi battleship nearby. No one can come up with a good plan, and they're worried the Nazis will attack before them. Just then, the janitor on the ship asked if he could share his plan, and no one objected.

The janitor says,...

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My grandpa always told us the story about how he made a dozen German troops shit themselves in WWII.

He was probably the worst cook the Reich had.

Just after WWII begins the commander of one of African garrisons recieves a telegram:

''The war is declared, immidiately find and arrest all enemies in your area.''

After some time he sends a performance report:

''The order was executed. 4 Germans, 2 French, 1 Belgian, 3 Americans were arrested. Please, immidiately report who are we at war with.''

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

Throughout WWII, my great-grandfather was responsible for 43 German planes going down.

He was the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

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If the Nazis had won WWII and set up the Thousand Year Reich, what would they have called their leader?

*The Kaiser Permanente*

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Why did Hitler lose WWII?

Simple, scissors beats paper

My grandfather was an electrician during WWII.

His uniform had a helmet with two thunderbolts on it

Fun fact: French tanks in WWII had rear-veiw mirrors.

This allows them to see the frontline too.

I bought the new Call of Duty WWII in France.

But for some reason, I can only be a spectator.

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Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

A little story from WWII

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.


He returned to his base, and the platoon commande...

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An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer.....

The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.


"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"


The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first...

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Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

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A man goes bear hunting in the woods

He finds a rather large bear and it spots him. He tries to shoot it but misses. The bear swats the gun out of his hands and trows him to the ground. Then rips his pants off and fucks him in the ass.

A few days later the now very sore hunter come back with a much larger rifle and attempts to s...

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A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace during WWII and...

...was captured by the Nazis on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a bombing mission?"
The Nazis figured there w...

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

A man went to confession (again)

"Forgive me, father", he said. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."


"Well, that is not a sin," said the priest


"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."


"That is not at all proper, but your lives were at risk, so you are forgiven...

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An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere!" The head mistress turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts"

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

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Two British army generals are catching up in the mess hall after years of not seeing one another during WWII.

“So Reginald, how you been my old mate?”

“Oh good good. Survived some close calls but can’t complain. How’s the ol’ wife Montgomery?”

“She’s well. Doing well.”

“And Manfred? You see him much?”

“Yep he’s fine. Lost most of his hearing in the battle at Vimy, but bless hi...

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

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In the draw down of WWII...

Dignitaries and generals were touring Nazi facilities in Europe. One of the stops that they made was at a naval base where the dreaded U-Boats were based.

The dignitaries and their staffs were headed to a captured U-Boat, when a droning was noticed, and the air raid sirens went off. The Luft...

What do you call a terrorist born during WWII?

A boomer.

An English fighter pilot is talking to a class after WWII

He's telling them about the Battle of Britain. He says "Well there were Fokkers to the left of us and Fokkers to the right of us..."

The Teacher interrupts him to speak to the class, "Now might be a good time," she says, "to remind the class that Fokker was a German aircraft manufacturer.
...

What'd the blind tourist do during WWII?

Not-see Germany.

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What did the WWII Japanese soldier say when they ran out of Islands to occupy?

Oki, now wa?

A joke from WWII

A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:

"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"

"Half a million within two days."

"And if we invade with a million troops?"

"We shoot twice and go home."

During WWII why did every German U-Boat have a dog for a mascot?

So they could have a sub-woofer.

What did the Allied forces call the German army as it retreated at the end of WWII?

A receding herr line

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

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Hit medley

I am no native English, so probably there is some lost in translation.

This is an old Russian joke that my five-year-old who survived WWII just made up.

The pope is traveling Australia. At a gas station, the owner, yells "check, mate" - his horse mayo neighs and the pope falls on his h...

There was a peasant married couple in Switzerland during WWII.

They had just had twin sons that they knew weren’t safe in Europe with the bombing and havoc around their country. They separated them by sending one of them to Mexico and one to Arabia. The Mexican brother was named Juan by his foster parents, and the Arabian family named the other brother Ahmal. T...

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Upon discovering that he lost WWII, hitler heads to his bunker and shoots himself with a pistol.

He feels himself ascending and a floaty feeling, and comes face to face with a glowing figure.
"Who the hell are you?" He asks.
"I'm an angel from heaven, mr Adolf!" Says the angel.
"Why am I in heaven? I've committed every single cardinal sin of the church!" exclaims Hitler.
"Well you'r...

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A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment

An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.

"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were sexually active?"

"1946," says the veteran.

"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"

The veteran shrugs a...

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There was a famous WWII ace in the pacific

He was notorious for his drinking problem. After going out on a mission one day he landed his plane on the aircraft carrier and reported to the commanding officer on his mission.

He said, “Sir, I met five enemy pilots in the air. I shot down the first one, dove right, shot down the second one...

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WWII was a wild ride

The Japanese were winning in the beginning but then lost Midway.

WWII, Eastern Front

Troops under the command of Baghramyan are the first to reach the Baltic. To present his success more pretentiously, the Armenian general personally poured a bottle of water from the Baltic Sea and ordered his adjutant to fly with this bottle to Moscow to Stalin. He flew. But a setback happened: whi...

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What did the German people say about Hitler after WWII was over?

Nazi leader we wanted... Nazi leader we got.

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

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What do you call a German WWII vet who still holds on to a bit of the old Nazi ideology?

A Veterinarian

What is the most common attire during WWII?

Casual Tees

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

What did the landlocked German eat during WWII?

Not sea food.

In WWII, what did the German officer say to the clock that ticked?

Ve have vays of making you tock...

In WWII the Partizans were running away from Germans.

Germans were catching them, and tired Partizans decide to hide in the dry well which was deep enough so the Germans could not see them. Clever as they are, Germans thought of it and decided to check the well. One decides to shout in it and if theres echo they don't drop the grenade in it, if there ...

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During WWII, an Australian, a British and an American P.O.W. are forcibly recruited by a brilliant Nazi scientist to undergo an experimental treatment…

The purpose of the experiment is to create human time-keeping machines. They are each placed in separate rooms and subjected to intense brainwashing. After a week of treatment, the scientist comes to inspect on their progress.

He first looks in on the Australian soldier. Staring blankly ahea...

Apparently France wanted to change their name after WWII.

Unfortunately the name Iran was already taken.

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I don't care what you say about WWII

Whoever killed Hitler, is my Hero.

What is weaker than French defences during WWII?

Tea made by an American.

TIL that during WWII 3 U.S. submarines sank due to friendly fire.

Whoops, wrong sub.

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My great grandpa was killed in a Nazi camp during WWII.

He was thrown off of his guard tower during a riot break out.

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When I was in elementary school, we had this old crusty WWII fighter pilot vet come speak to my school…

He was telling us about a dog fight he was in. “So there I was in my Mustang, I had three f***ers to my right, two f***ers to my left, and one f***er right in front of me.” My teacher got red with embarrassment and jutted in, “Boys and girls, the Fokker was a kind of plane used by Germany in World W...

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Where did the Italians keep the Jews during WWII?

In the Spaghettos

What do you call a boring violinist whose fascist regime lost WWII?

A dull fiddler

My grandfather had a buddy named Will who was shot during WWII...

His commanding officer said "Fire at Will!" So everyone shot at Will and killed him

What do you call a time capsule from WWII?

A mine.

Did you hear about how realistic Call of Duty: WWII is?

Sledgehammer Games rented servers from the 1940s to replicate WWII as accurately as possible

A quote from a WWII veteran...

If you see a group of soldiers but don't know where they're from fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react.

If they respond with precise rifle fire they're British.

If they respond with a frenzy of machine gun fire they're German.

If they try running away the...

For Sale: French WWII Rifle

Never fired. Only dropped once.

What's the most common outfit in WWII?

Casual-tees

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A WWII Veteran on his deathbed...

turns to his son.

Father: "I think it's time I finally told you of how I escaped as a POW from the Germans".

Son: "I'm listening father"

Father: "It was the greatest plan ever concocted".

Son: "What was the plan called?"

Father: "It started off as a simple lie to o...

Joke from WWII: The USSR's three greatest generals.

What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!

How did Germany so easily defeat Poland during WWII?

When the Polish threw grenades at the Germans, the Germans pulled the pins and threw them back.

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My dad just told me his favourite WWII joke and told him I'd share it

During the war in a concentration camp the POWs were made to line up. The first person would say; "Tik" then the person behind him would need to respond with; "Tok" So they did.

It went
"Tik, Tok, tik, Tok, Tik" until the man behind him also said "tik", this made the German officer mad w...

Who was the famous writer, that died in WWII?

I don't know Anne Frankly I don't care.

Three Germans were sitting in a bar telling jokes about WWII.

They lost it.

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WWII fighter pilot speaks to the class...

When I was in sixth grade, on Veterans’ Day, they had an old RAF fighter pilot from WWII come in to speak to the class. He was a sweet little old man with white hair and it was hard to imagine him flying a fighter plane and shooting down enemy aircraft. But when he started to tell his stories his ey...

So in a program on the BBC about WWII, the host is interviewing a surviving member of the Dutch Free Air Force.

The geezer says, "So there we were flying in formation over the English channel, when Suddenly these four Fokkers come out of the clouds. So I get behind the first Fokker and shoot him down. Then I do the same with the other three Fokkers."

The host interjects," For clarification, I think my ...

Two Italian guys, Dino and Marcello, go fishing on a boat

Suddenly, Dino spots an old WWII bomb floating towards them.

Dino screams "Marcello! Look! It's a mine!"

Marcello -scared- replies "Okay okay Dino, you can a have it!"

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A Nazi agent is supposed to pick up some docs from a resident agent in London during WWII.

Due to some unexpected mess-up, they drop at the meeting point, a soldier that speaks no English. The meeting point is a bar. So, they tell him to just come up to the barman, order gin, since the word sounds the same in both languages, nod for "thanks", pay and sit quietly in the corner not uttering...

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Did you know that before WWII, Hitler and Stalin took cooking classes together?

They were learning how to make peas with their enemies.

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I saw many places when I fought in WWII..

But I did Nazi Germany.

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Son: Dad I have to write an Essay about Hitler and his Dog Unit in WWII. Do you know what it was called?

Dad: K, Nein

My grandad let me in on the secret to picking up hot Jewish girls during WWII..

with a brush and shovel..

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A Finnish WWII air force verteran was about to give a talk to an American high school.

He was stereotypically Nordic: pale skin, fair hair, and a heavy accent.


He introduced himself and began with a vivid description of his first dogfight in the Lapland War. "Literally the moment after we take off and got through the fog we saw them. Eight pesky Fokkers were spread out an...

Italian WWII Tank for Sale

It has 5 speeds; 4 are reverse.

Back in WWII, the Marine Corps used Navajo speakers as "code talkers"...

The other Marines were always impressed with the enigmatic skills the Navajos had in predicting weather, where to find water, and tracking ability.

One day on a patrol, a Navajo Marine on point came across a footprint ostensibly left by the enemy.

"The man who left this footprint is an...

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Why do WWII nazis like pets so much?

Because they're veteran Aryans.

Person who fought in WWII hit with pepper spray...

Now he is a seasoned veteran.

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What do you call a Nazi doctor that served in WWII and only took animal patients?

A Veteran Aryan Veterinarian!

What do Caitlyn Jenner and WWII have in common?

The Battle of the Bulge.

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WWII era Soviet joke

In the middle of Stalin's war council Marshall Zhukov storms out of the room, muttering "The moustached tyrant went utterly batshit" to himself. Head of NKVD Lavrentiy Beria hears him and immediately repeats what he heard to Stalin.

Stalin calls Zhukov back and asks who did he mean.

"...

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During WWII, An Old Man Worked At a Concentration Camp in Poland...

Due to the Nazi's bombing the factory he used to work in. His job was to move straw back and forth, he would take new straw bales shipped in every morning, put the hay in wheelbarrows where prisoners would then bring the wheelbarrows to where it was needed.

Every night, he had to bring the o...

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My grandfather was a WWII vet...

He said he went to Paris back in the day, and went into this lounge called "Les Jardin Rois" got drunk and pissed on the bar, banged all the waitresses, beat up the bouncer and threw a chair through the front window.
Naturally, I went there on vacation one year and tried the same shit, got my a...

The BBC interviews a former pilot of the Dutch Free Air Forces from WWII . . .

. . . So the Dutch guy starts telling a story:

"As we're flying over France, all of a sudden, 6 Fokkers come out of nowhere. I engage on a Fokker, and shoot him down. Then I line up behind another Fokker and shoot him down too. The other guys in my squadron shoot down the other four Fokkers....

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Are the Nazis who fought in WWII veteran-Aryans?

And can I bring my dog to them for a checkup?

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

My grandfather got his tongue shot off during WWII

He never talked about it.

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.

So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good...

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