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Very Dangerous Jokes

Most people think rattlesnakes and cobras are very dangerous...

but really, they're completely armless.

Sounds are very dangerous, you know?

If you listen to high frequencies, it really Herz.

The republicans are right: It is a very dangerous precedent

Edit: Misspelled President.

Distracted driving can be very dangerous

It can hit you when you leas

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

What is black and white, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous?

a cow with a machine gun.

A woman suffering a very dangerous cancer,

a woman suffering a very dangerous cancer, kept telling everybody she knows that she got HIV/AIDS, when her husband asked her why she's lying about her condition, she told him "So no woman will marry you after I die"

Why a good cameraman is a very dangerous person?

He's always shooting something!

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver

if he's persuasive.

"Go left."

-"Dude those are trees."

"trust me."

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A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem"

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know, taking Viagra three nights in a row can be very dangerous. I will give them to you on the condi...

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A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

A long series of jokes

503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

_502._

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

_Open door, put elephant in, close door._

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

_Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door._

The Lion K...

In light of recent political tensions, please refrain from wishing Putin falls into a vat of concrete.

That would set a very dangerous president.

I agree with DJT, we must stop the count!!

Vampires can be very dangerous, after all.

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A man and his new guard dog

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The guy orders a beer and the dog flops down on the floor and immediately starts licking its butt. "This is my new attack dog," the guy tells the bartender. "He's very dangerous." The bartender looks at the dog that is still flopped down, panting, licking. "He does...

An old drunk walks in the the toughest biker bar. He immediately Scans the crowd until he find the toughest biker in the bar

The guy is a Monster or a man and looks very dangerous. The old drunken man sits down on a bar stool next to him and says loudly, “Hey buddy! Hey! Tough guy! Why don’t you buy me a beer before I go home and go bang your mom!”

The crowd goes silent; they know this biker has killed for far les...

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Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street

when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"...

We went to a lumbering museum recently...

The guide, a former lumberjack, described work with a pit saw as very dangerous. "If you don't believe me," he said, "go ask my half brother!"

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Two archeologists are taking a piss

Two archeologists are out taking a piss in a remote area when a snake hidden in the grass bites the first one on the tip of his cock.

Archeologist 1 : I got bitten on the tip of my cock by a snake with yellow and blue rings

Archeologist 2 : that sounds pretty bad and there is no hospit...

There was this guy living in Ireland who wanted to have the operation to become Irish

He had lived in Ireland for about 10 years and loved the place and its people so he went to the doctor and said he wanted to have the operation to become Irish.

The doctor warned him saying “This is very dangerous, I have to remove half your brain”.

The guy was very adamant and said ...

A geneticist makes a breakthrough, enabling him to create a cross-breed of any two living organisms

He sets up his own lab and hires an intern to help him out. After explaining to the intern what the technology is capable of the intern is amazed and asks: "So you can really create a cross between ANY two living beings?"


The geneticist replies, "Yes, but I advise you to exercise cautio...

Virus Alert

#

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT: If...

What Is the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

One is white, made of plastic, and very dangerous if left around small children. The other is a plastic bag.

Did you know Francis was not the first choice to become the new Pope?

Actually it was a lesser know man, Cardinal Herzenbacher.
He'd been a man of God from an early age, a pacifist all his life. When WWII broke out, he was conscripted and forced to fight, and so became a bomber pilot.
A few months into the war he was shot down but survived, miraculously only l...

A circus is looking for a new lion tamer...

Two people audition for the job, a man and a beautiful woman. The circus owner cautions them, "This is a very dangerous job, and my last tamer got eaten."
Neither are fazed by his warnings, and the owner lets the two try taming the lion. The woman goes first, and steps into the cage.
The lion ...

The Resurrection

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon.
He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial,
but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. ...

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Once upon a time...

...there lived a great ruler in India, Emperor Akbar. This great emperor had the most beautiful wife in all the realms.

At the palace, there lived a certain Ahmed who was a low-ranking official. He took a liking to the queen, and his greatest desire was to kiss the queen's gorgeous breasts....

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So this overweight guy wants to lose a few kilos

He's watching TV one day and sees an ad for weight loss: Lose weight fast & cheap! Deciding he'll give it a go, he rings the number.

The lady on the other end asks him how much weight he wants to lose.
"I want to lose 5 kg" the man replies.
"Okay, just give me your credit card numbe...

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The Lion Tamers

A ringmaster needed to hire a new lion tamer for his circus after the previous one was killed, so he put an add in the paper.

Two lion tamers arrive for the interview, a man and a woman. The ringmaster tells them, "This lion is very dangerous. He has killed my last three lion tamers so I nee...

An elderly couple's road trip around south east England

*(Note for those unfamiliar with the British road network: 'A' roads are main, or arterial, roads and they are all identified by 'A' and a number.)*


An elderly man is driving his wife on a road trip around the south east of England. Shortly after getting on to the A2, a police car signals...

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