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The Undertaker Jokes

What do you call the Undertaker on crack?

The Uppertaker

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation

Years ago, when one could actually enjoy travel, a man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem and while they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped bac...

A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.

He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit,...

Shout out to the undertaker who buried my mum in the wrong crypt, you'd better watch your back!

You made a grave error

Just before the funeral service, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

"How old was your husband?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than I am."

"So you're ninety-six," the undertaker said.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Ever heard of the undertaker who accidentally dug another body?

He made a grave mistake.

A man and his wife went on vacation to Israel, his mother-in-law decided to go, too.

One night on the trip, the mother-in-law died of a heart attack. The couple visited a local undertaker who said that it would cost $1500 to take the woman's body back to the US.

"However," said the undertaker, "We could have the funeral and bury her here in the Holy Land for only $150."
...

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An elderly Lady goes to an undertaker

An elderly lady with no family wants to leave her affairs in order in her old age. That is why she goes to an undertaker. They discuss the funeral, the guest list, flowers and whatever else is necessary. The undertaker also asks her if she has any special wishes regarding the inscription on her grav...

The Undertaker

So this woman goes to the undertaker to make arrangements for her husbands funeral. She says "Look, I've got some special requests for the service. First off,I want an open casket, so that people can pay their final respects, and secondly I want my husband buried in a blue suit." The undertaker s...

Why does the Undertaker ride his motorcycle slowly?

Because he's an Undertaker not an Overtaker!

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The undertakers dirty secret.... (kinda nsfw)

A man was having a quiet beer with a friendly undertaker. After a few drinks he built up the courage to ask him "you must have some crazy work stories?" The undertaker quietly nodded as he finished his beer. He went on to explain "the woman's vaginas change, quite dramatically". "Go on..." insists t...

He Asked His Wife To Bury Him With ALL His Money, So This Is What She Did

There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.

He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife:

"Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and pla...

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An undertaker is showing a trainee around the morgue in order to get him used to dead bodies.

“Here I have three deceased men, an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman.” Explained the undertaker showing the young trainee the dead Englishman.
“Why has he got such a big smile on his face?” asked the trainee.
“He died having sex with a beautiful woman” the old man replied.
Moving on to ...

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A husband died.

The widow organised his funeral and arranged with the undertaker to have him laid out in an open coffin so that she and the family could say their goodbyes before the lid was screwed down.

On the day before the viewing was due to take place the widow received a call from the undertaker advis...

A thoughtful undertaker

A woman in her seventies was visiting an undertaker. She looked over her husband in his black suit and paused. She spoke directly with the undertaker gave him a check and asked if he might be able to find a blue suit for her husband. That was irregular, The undertaker said he would do his best.
J...

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First day as an undertaker

A brand new undertaker walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was the first day on the job?" the bartender asks. "Not good. Had my first funeral today and I managed to drop the casket as I was loading it into the car," the undertaker says. "Luckily my boss was understanding. He told me I just need...

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The mourners looked on aghast as the coffin toppled out of the car.

"We'll have to rehearse that", said the undertaker.

Donald Trump visits Israel for information.

During a trip through Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him:

"You can have him sent home for $ 50,000, or buried here in the Holy Land for just $ 100."The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. Th...

The Peanuts Gang had a crossover with the WWE

Linus: "I'm up against John Cena."

Lucy: "I'm gonna slug the Undertaker."

Schroeder: "I'm fighting Roman Reigns."

Charlie Brown: "I got the Rock."

A widow at a funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortic...

A man and his wife go on a vacation

Days pass until unfortunately, the wife dies.


At the funeral parlor, the undertaker approaches the man and after offering his condolences, says

'We have a wide range of services. We can bury your wife in a coffin like Christians, we can have a cremation like indians, mummification ...

Archibald Strange was an honest lawyer (no, that isn't the joke)

He was getting old, so he went to the undertaker to plan what his grave would be.

"I want it to say 'Here lies Archibald Strange, a lawyer and an honest man,'" he said.

"I can't do that," replied the undertaker, "People would think I was burying multiple people in the same grave. I'll ...

My grandfather passed away and didn't leave me much, only 20,000 Dogecoin.

He wanted to be interred in a mausoleum. Luckily, the undertaker accepts Cryptocurrency.

There was an old Bolivian train driver...

who had been driving trains for nearly 25 years, maintaining a perfect record. One day, he is running a little behind and will be late to his next stop if he doesn't hurry. He calls into the train station and asks to speed up the train so he can make it in time. They tell him that he's hauling too m...

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day.

Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DE...

Closed Casket

An elderly couple were driving home from a wedding when they are involved in a head-on. The man is killed instantly, but the wife survives. The old lady explains to the funeral director that her husband had always wanted to be laid out in his good blue suit, but had been wearing it in the accident a...

It was recently discovered that Hillary approached President Trump to ask if she could replace Justice Scalia after his death.

Trump replied, "That's perfectly fine with me so long as the undertaker is okay with it."

The search for the Pacific Ocean

9 years ago, a teacher asked a kid if he knew where the pacific ocean was. He replied, "No miss! I'm not aware of the location of the pacific ocean." The teacher furious, asked him to get out and not come back to his class till he knew the location of the pacific ocean.

The boy, distraught, y...

An undertaker comes home with a black eye.

An undertaker comes home with a black eye.


"What happened to you?" asks his wife.


"I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When i got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag be...

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

A new widow is talking to the funeral director

She says, "Lying over there is my John, God rest his soul. And he's laid out in his favorite brown suit. I kept my promise to send him here with that suit, but he looks awful in brown."

"Here's $200. I want you to get him a blue suit for the viewing and funeral."

The undertaker says he...

Did you hear that the World Hokey Pokey Champion has died?

At the undertakers, they were putting him into the coffin. They got his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...

Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem

One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.

'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'

'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise ...

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NSFW A man and a woman are making passionate love...

and the man dies of a heart attack.

The undertaker removes the body and prepares it for burial, the problem being that the erection that the guy had has not gone away, and unless something can be done, the coffin will need something like a periscope to accomodate the protruding organ. They p...

An attorney called the governor just after midnight,...

...insisting that he talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Jones has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the...

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The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the West coast of Ireland lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the village’s only undertaker who also happened to be the local p...

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In a tiny village lived an old maid.

In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin and very proud of it.

She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”

Not long after...

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a...

[long] An old man wanted to be burried with all his money

An old man who worked very hard his entire life loved money more then anything else. Even his own wife he was married with for over 50 years. When he was getting very sick he asked his wife to bury him with all his money! His wife agreed because she loved him more then anything in the world.

...

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Max Goldstein has died and his body is being prepared for his funeral

The undertaker is astounded by the size of his penis, so he decides to cut if off, put it in a box, and bring it home to show his wife.

When he gets home he takes out the box, opens it in front of his wife, and says "What do you think of this?"

His wife screams, "Oh my god, Max Golds...

This is the story of Easter

While travelling throughout Jerusalem, President Trump suddenly gets a heart attack and subsequently dies. De undertaker tells the american diplomats and bodyguards that accompanied him this: "You could have him sent home for $50000 or you could bury him here in the holy land, after currency exchang...

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A man marries a Jewish woman, and for their honeymoon they go to Israel. The mother-in-law insists that she come along.

Reluctantly, the couple allows her along the trip. After only two days, the mother-in-law has a heart attack and dies.

The daughter is so distraught that the husband is left to make all the funeral arrangements by himself. He's sitting in the undertaker's office when he walks back in.
...

A wealthy merchant must leave to conduct business in a foreign land.

It is well known that the merchant's wife is promiscuous, so it is logical that he is always anxious when he embarks upon a long journey.

This time, however, the merchant decides enough is enough. The night before he is to set sail he makes wanton, passionate love to his beautiful wife, but ...

Black and Blue

A new widow, upon learning that her late husband had been dressed in a black suit for burial, told the funeral director she wanted a blue suit instead; it was his favorite color and she would pay extra for the change.

On the day of the funeral, there was her husband in his coffin with a form...

The farmer's wife went into a coma...

... at home, and he summoned the doctor.

"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the funeral home for you."

The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer ...

3 aristocrats in the French Revolution

So during the reign of terror in the French Revolution, there was a line of aristocrats waiting to be executed by guillotine. Near the middle of the line, there was a clergyman, an artist, and an engineer.

The clergyman got up to the chopping block and said a short prayer, and miraculously w...

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