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The Price Jokes

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15.

She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laug...

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for the price of a drink

The bartender responds: "For you, no charge"

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child

RIP Bob Barker, host of The Price is Right, dead at 99

You gotta give him credit, going right up to the edge of 100, without going over.

The price of victory

I wrote this joke in a book I published recently.

>“Would you like to hear a joke I wrote about seafood?”
>
>“Sure.”
>
>***A man went to a restaurant and ordered lobster. When the plate was placed before him, the lobster was in numerous pieces. The man asked...

The price of beer nuts...

Are you aware that the price of Beer nuts is now $3.99 per pound while Deer nuts are still under a buck?

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The price

A man sees an attractive lady in a bar. "I'll give you $1 million if you spend the night with me". She thinks for a moment and agrees. "I'll give you $100,000 if you spend the night with me". She thinks a bit longer and agrees. "I'll give you $1,000 if you spend the night with me". She's furious, "W...

RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker

He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.

After seeing the price of insurance these days

I've decided it's cheaper to just get robbed

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The price of manure is through the fucking roof!

Shit's getting expensive.

"The price of doing business at the Vet's office"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

The price of balloons is said to rise.

It's only logical with all the inflation.

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Just got back from the farm supply store. The price of manure has almost tripled since the beginning of the pandemic.

Shit's getting expensive.

Went to a Vikings game with my family and decided I wanted a drink. Wanted the big soda but when I saw the price I decided.....

a Minnesota will do.

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver

To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!

what is the price on a human life

The hospital bill

[American joke]

Wanna know the price of an item someone has?

Break it.

I can't understand how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals....

By blaming it on the cost of living!

Supermarkets are putting up the price of vodka by 1p to £20.00 from tomorrow.

So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s £19.99...

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

I don’t understand why people are complaining about the price of gas…

I went to get $10 of gas and it still cost exactly $10.

What’s the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm?

Walking the Planck.

Who calculates the price of amphetamines?

A Methematician

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

The price of savoring

Want to know why cannibals have to be rich?
Their dinners cost an arm and a leg

The price of lumber has gone up so much...

That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine.

I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday

They were shocking

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A man reads the prices during his first visit to a brothel

20 bucks for a hand job, 40 for a blow job, 120 for intercourse. Everything makes sense until he reaches the end of the list. He asks the proprietor why double penetration is only $20.

“Oh, well because they say one in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

Have you heard about the synthetic stone countertops that are half the price?

Don’t take them for granite.

Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy?

What a steel!

If you add whiskey to a drink and raise the price...

The drink got Jacked

I'm outraged at the price of helium balloons.

Bloody inflation.

A paraplegic is haggling the price of a wheelchair

He says "$300 or I walk"

Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.

Shop owner: $500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what's the price of th...

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

The price of balloons have not gone up in over 50 years

Which is surprising considering inflation

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The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows.

Deer testicles are under a buck.

I’ve always wondered about the price of pies around the world

In the Bahamas they’re $9 a pie.
In Jamaica they’re $8 a pie.
In Cuba they’re $7 a pie.



And those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

The Price of Dismissal

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present...

Recently the prices at cemetaries has gone through the roof!

They blame it on the cost of the living!

I find that the price of the iPhones to be...

XSsvive...


...I’ll show myself out.

How do you double the price of a Fiat?

Fill the tank

How do you sell beans for the price of beef?

Make vegan burger.

The price of paper is getting so high!

At this rate my origami business is going to fold

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.


He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?

I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

What happens when you win a raffle twice that gave you five for the price of three on rugby tickets?

You won two, three for five six nations tickets

The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.

You need 9 lives to pay it off.

Ps - should this be in /showerthoughts?

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn’t know much but...

I know it ain’t sheep.

So there is this class in New York that teaches women how to smoke cigars, and the price per person is one-hundred dollars

The price to watch is two-hundred.

A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”

Hair Club Salesman: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”

Bald Man: “How about faux dollars faux hair?”


Sorry guys, I’ll show myself outta hair.

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Harley Davidson for sale, mint condition, not a single scratch on it, used as my weekend bike. Very low mileage and I am very flexible on the price...

I originally bought this without consulting my wife.

Apparently “Do whatever the fuck you want” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.

"Bad news son, the price of Vodka has risen", said the father. "Does that mean that you will drink less", asks the son.

"No, you will eat less."

Did you hear about the price of milk going up due to Brexit?

It's because the cows are on stilts

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People treat me like showcase #1 on The Price Is Right

A worthless pile of shit with no car.

My family got angry at me for practicing for The Price is Right

I guess I shouldn’t practice during Christmas

Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.

Buy the dip.

The Price Difference Between An Average Telescope And A Professional One

is Astronomical.

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How did Hitler check the price of his clothes?

He looked at the Reichstag.

The price of smartphones are getting way too ridiculous

If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone

Just saw the price of cigarettes and I realized there's no such thing as a smoker

The cigarette smokes, they are just the suckers

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I went into walmart to buy the album "Get Rich or Die Trying" but I had to dispute the price when it rang up for ten dollars...

... because it clearly says 50 Cent on it.

With Ryanair, the price of your Flight Ticket does not include baggage or meals.

Now it doesn't even include your flight!

The price they charge to repair.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask...

I bought Deer Hunting 2 for half the price I got Deer Hunting 1...

I got more bang for my buck!

The price of a balloon has really gone up recently

I think it's because of inflation

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

I was worried about the price of bread in India

But then I realized it's a naan issue.

A madam opened the door to her brothel....

.....to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie." the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" "No. I must see Natalie." Just then N...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

A dead battery walks into a bar,and asks for the price of a pint of beer.

The barman responds, "For you, sir, no charge."

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The right price

A man approaches a woman in a bar:

-- Miss, if I offer you a million dollars, would you agree to have sex with me?

-- Yes, of course.

-- But what if I give you only $50?

-- Are you crazy? What kind of woman do you think I am?

-- That's what we established earlier, ...

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

A husband and wife were grocery shopping ...

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue s...

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