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Senat Jokes

A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are drowning and you can only save one. Do you...

A: Have lunch.

B: Browse reddit.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

A Senator spent all night with a hooker.

As he was leaving, the Senator put $2000 on her bedside table.

She said, “Thanks, but I only charge $200.”

“$200 for the whole night? How can you make a living on that?”

“Oh, don’t worry,” she purred. “I do a little blackmail, too.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did horny Caesar told Roman Senate?

I came; I saw; I came.

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

Where does Senator Josh Hawley do his shopping?

At the flee market.

What’s the male version of a Karen called?

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 75?

Your Honor!

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Senator!

Barber and senator joke

The barber comes to the butcher and buys a meat.
Butcher says: it's free. I was buying flower and the florist told me, that he wants to make my day better and offers me this flowers for free. So I decided to make your day better and you'll have this meat for free.
The barber thanks to butcher...

News reports today that Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell hospitalized after fall.

He finally brought a motion to the floor.

An Ottawa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes ...

What does Senator Lindsey Graham, Upcoming Game of Thrones Book "Dream of Spring" and Video Game Star Citizen have in common?

None of them are ever coming out!





You're welcome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a gaming addict, a senator, and a show-off standing in front of the gates of heaven

The three of them then entered through the gate, following the signs, and arrived at a room where many people were queuing up. Suddenly, God appeared out of nowhere and said, 'Heaven is now overcrowded, so in order to be able to enter here, you will have to speak your true thoughts about yourselves ...

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

Why didn't Alexa run for Senate?

Because she likes being Speaker of the House.

The US Senate walks into a bar

And lowers it

You meet a vegan pilot that's running for senate that went to Havard and does crossfit. What's the first thing they tell you?

"I use Arch btw"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A publishing company is under fire for their headline "Half of Senate Are Fucking Idiots." So they issued a correction the next day

"Half of Senate Are Not Fucking Idiots."

I tried to call my Republican Senators today...

I ended up with rain check because they all sold out

Why don’t Senators use bookmarks?

They like their pages bent over.

What's the difference between an actor from California and a senator from Texas?

One will punch a man for talking badly about his wife, the other will help that man become president.

Yo Momma is so old…..

she is a United States Senator.

The Senate committee just released a report about the Cold War.

They found that in response to Sesame Street promoting friendship, racial equality, and care, the CIA captured the Count and forced him to run through truckloads of rice.

Pope in limousine

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Without much of a choice, the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.
After gleefully acc...

3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit.

Mitch better have my bunny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do senators like tickled during sex?

Their SCOTUS

A roman senator is running late to an important senate meeting....

He arrives 15 minutes late and enters to see each seat filled, with the exception of his own, and Cicero standing in the middle of the room giving a speech.

He manages to stealthily make his way to his seat without causing too much of a commotion and leans over to the senator next to him, ask...

Today, Senate Republicans declared that they see no path forward to end the government shutdown

In other words: they've hit a wall

Senator Duckworth might become the first senator to give birth in office

I don't know why she wouldn't rather do it in the hospital though

What did the Senate say to Julius Caesar?

You’ve got a lot of Gaul!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Senator told me his favorite joke about a travelling salesman

A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night. The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn. The farmer told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. Whatever you do, do not stick your dick in any of the holes. Got it?" The salesman thanked him an...

What did the Senate have to say about the new stimulus package?

Let them eat cake!

A roman soldier was guarding a crossroads when Senator Churry approached.

"Do you know the way to the Coliseum?", asked Churry.

The soldier pointed straight ahead.

After that, the Roman sent Churry on.

A Bill Passed In The Senate...

Rest in peace, Bill.

The United States Senate approved a measure last week to make daylight saving time permanent across the country.

Alabama already did this several years ago, deciding to permanently go back to 1845.

What is the first thing an Ottawa Senator does after winning the Stanley Cup?

Turn off his Xbox.

What's NC Senate candidate Cal Cunningham's position on extra marital affairs?

Missionary.

A dog runs for senator...

He has no previous experience in pawlitics

What kind of parasite do Senators have?

Poli-ticks.

Why can’t you count on the horse senators support?

He always votes neigh

Apparently there is a bipartisan push in the US senate to legalize marijuana for arthritis treatment

So in other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.

What did former Alabama Senator Roy Moore say about coronavirus?

It's called COVID-19, means I ain't gettin' it.

Senator, what's your opinion on mute people?

No comment.

What do you call a new mitten manufacturing company formed by a U.S. senator?

Bernie's Handers.

Why did Roy Moore lose the Senate race?

He enjoys coming in a little behind.

Education nominee Betsy DeVos wins Senate confirmation vote

I kept seeing this in r/news, but I was sure it belonged here......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

 

Although Hillary was vague a...

Doug Jones just won the Senate race against Roy Moore

I guess you could say he got Moore votes.

I'm the most hated person in the Senate

Ted Cruz: I'm the most hated person in the Senate.

Susan Collins: Hold my beer.

Brett Kavanaugh: Who said beer?

Twitter repost @Amanda_Kerri

Jeb Bush Unanimously Confirmed by Senate

for Secretary of Low Energy.

Why doesn’t Senator Mitch McConnell wear a helmet when he rides his motorcycle?

‘Cause he is naturally triple chin strapped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lindsey Graham gets new suit

On a Senate trip to Japan, Lindsey Graham picked up some silk to have a custom suit made. At a top notch tailor shop in South Carolina, the tailor said with the material, he could make a single breasted suit.

Graham decided to wait, took the material to a tailor in New York who told him he c...

Dr. Jill Stein plans on marrying former senator Al Franken.

She will run for president in 2020 as Dr. Franken-Stein.

The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the senator wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

What did President Trump call Roy Moore's senate loss?

*"A minor setback."*

Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey

Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?

Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...

Brutus: I ate 2 slices.

Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?

Why does every state have 2 senators?

So that one can be the designated driver.

(overheard an old man at a garage sale telling this).

The entire US Senate visited the White House today.

I wonder how many short buses that took.

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

One day, some U.S. senators were discussing how best...

...to protect their constituents from predation by big businesses.

A bus full of senators and deputies crashed and felled down a cliff.

A man happened to be walking by when the accident took place.

The man immediately started to bury all the senators and deputies involved in the accident.

A few minutes later, the police showed up on site.

Cop: What happened?! Where's everyone?!

Man: I buried them.

...

Why should all former senators be buried 100 feet deep when they die?

Because deep down, they’re really good people.

Dems haven't won a senate seat in Alabama since 1992

Unlike Roy Moore, they were capable of waiting 25 years.

It hasn't even made it through the senate...

And Bronx-Lebanon Hospital is already rolling out Trumpcare.

What's the difference between a 13 year old and the Senate?

After tonight, Roy Moore won't be in the Senate.

Office hours of the Senate are from twelve to one...

with an hour off for lunch.

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

The Alabama Senate elections are in! And even though it was tight,

Roy Moore came in a little behind.

Why was Ted Kennedy called the "Lion of the Senate"?

Because he mated at will and killed without remorse.

A man parks a beat up, rusty Plymouth right in front of the Capitol. One of the guards walks up to him and says: "Sir, please move this vehicle. This is the Capitol Hill, congressmen, senators and even the President frequent this area."

The Plymouth driver replies "I ain't scared, I got an alarm!"

Did you hear the one about the Senator who won his election despite not having thumbs?

He ran unopposed.

What's the difference between an encyclopedia and a Republican senator?

The encyclopedia has a spine.

(Apologies to Senators Collins and Murkowski)

Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law!

Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm.

A small boy parks his bike near the senate and walks on...

.. A policeman stops him and asks: 'Why did you park your bike here? Don't you know about this road? Many important politicians, cabinet members, even the President and other such politicians pass through here..'

The boy replied innocently: Don't worry, I have locked my bike.'

So an Evangelical Republican Senator goes in for a prostate exam...

The doctor gives him a clean bill of health, and sends him on his way. He returns a week later to get a second opinion. Another doctor confirms the first's findings. He comes back for a *third* rectal examination, swearing something is amiss, only to once again be given a clean bill of health. On th...

A senator, a chancellor, a Sith Lord, and the First Galactic Emperor walk into a restaurant.

The hostess says, “table for one?”

Why couldn't Caligula get anything passed in the Roman Senate?

His horse kept casting too many neigh votes.

I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

Bill Gates was being carried around the WhiteHouse by many Senators.

Asked them what was going on?


They said they were passing the bill.

Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him?

A sick Bern.

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

A Service

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of...

In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar

which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic

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