UPJOKE
nablusjudaismlevantmount gerizimtorahkuthasamariajosephussamaritan hebrewhebrew languagekingdom of judahcanaanelitalmudarabic language

Samaritan Jokes

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Samaritan

Last night I was walking in the park and I saw some guys beating a poor elderly man. Naturally, I ran to help. We kicked the crap out of that geezer.

Me: Hello is that the Samaritans?

Her: Yes, how can I help you today?

Me: I have just won the lottery, I am dating a 19 year old model and I have just inherited a brewery...

Her: So what seems to be the problem?

Me: No problem, I just thought you might wanna hear some good news for a change

Got the shaft

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I worked for the Samaritans for many years, and I often dealt with many desperate cases, on the verge of suicide.

I must have been brilliant at it, as none of the fuckers ever rang back.

Sunday school

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They driv...

The Old Samaritan

An older couple are in bed at their country home during a bad thunderstorm. There is a surprising knock at the door. The husband goes downstairs to see who it is. A man in soaking wet clothes is standing there and asks "Can you please give me a push?" The older husbands responds with a resounding "N...

Box Falls Off an Ambulance

Yesterday I was in Southwest Little Rock and got behind an ambulance. I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and picked up the box. When I opene...

Jesus waves at a Samaritan, and the Samaritan waves back. What happened when he waves at a Roman?

He left him hanging.

I tried training for the Samaritans once.

But they told me I wasn't good at listening and I said "what?" and they said I wasn't good at listening.

-- This joke was made by a friend on facebook in the UK who currently has a really really bad time - homeless and suicidal. I found the joke really funny. Would be really nice if I could s...

The Joy of Sects

A man crossing a bridge sees a suicidal chap about to take a big dive, Thinking he could be the good Samaritan, he stops and calls to the jumper.

GS: "Hey Buddy, Lets talk, Don't do anything rash, life is good, lets find something to talk about, Say tell me friend, are you religious?"

...

A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor.

Other patrons decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. They prop him up and assist him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. They finally carry him to his front door and ring ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My old dad used to say, “If you really want to do something, don’t listen to anybody else, just go ahead and do it”.

Great man, shit telephone operative at the Samaritans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with no arms walks into a public restroom...

and comes up to the urinal. He looks to the guy at the urinal beside him and says, "Hey man, I know this is weird but I really need to pee and obviously I can't get my own dick out. Could you please help me out here." The other man, seeing there is no one else in the restroom, decides to be a good ...

So, there was this rich dude...

One day, as he is driving his fancy car down the road, he is singing to himself “I love my BMW, I love BMW.” He was so wrapped up in his song he missed a turn and hit a tree. Surprisingly he survived, but instead of calling for help he was crying out “my BMW, oh my BMW.” Just then a good Samaritan d...

A man in a bar keeps falling off of his barstool

From afar, the bartender and another gentleman watch as the man keeps falling, getting up, falling, getting back up.

The bartender tells the gentleman, "Why don't you be a Good Samaritan and take the guy home?" The gentleman agrees.

He goes to pick up and carry the man. The man keeps ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A guy is walking on a beach...

So a guy is walking on a beach, he's in a great mood as he just got a promotion at work and he feels terrific. All of a sudden he notices a young woman with no arms and no legs sitting at a bench crying. He feels its a great time to be a good samaritan so he goes up to her and asks her what's wrong....

Taking home a drunk

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be
good Samaritans and take him home.



First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can
find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down ei...

Picked up a homeless girl today

She was just lying on the side of the road, cold and wet. So, being the good samaritan I am, I picked her up and popped her in the back of my car.

I took her home, bathed her, clothed her, and cooked us a lovely hot meal.

Then I took her to bed, and that's where things started to get a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and a Czech go camping

While on the trip they are attacked by two bears, one male and one female. The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow is standing at a urinal, doing his business.

A second person enters the mens room and quickly approaches the urinal next to him, then proceeds to just stand there. The fellow casts a glance sideways to see what is going on.

He sees a young man with no arms standing and looking forlornly at the urinal. His little arm nubs stick out of hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys wer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a backwoods bar in Kentucky and orders a cosmopolitan.

A man walks into a backwoods bar in Kentucky and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks the man over and says, “Not from ’round here, are ya?” “No” replies the man, “I’m from Providence, Rhode Island.” The bartender looks at him and says, “Well what do ya do in Providence?” “I’m a taxidermist,” ...

A guy spots a nice TV in a yard sale and stops by to take a closer look..

He doesn't see a price tag. "That's a nice TV!! How much are you asking for it?" he asks.

Owner replies, "Yes, this is an excellent television and it is all yours for just $1!"

Confused, the guy inquires, "One dollar?! Does it even work? What is wrong with it?"

The owner reassu...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.