Isaac stood at the door of the synagogue, with an outstretched hand, asking:

"Donate a coin for charity! Donate a coin for charity!"

Then comes the Rabbi: "Hey, Isaac, what are you doing?"

Isaac: "Rabbi, I'm raising money for a widow, mother of three little boys, who's 3 months behind in rent. If she doesn't pay 1,500 Euro by the end of the day, she's going to ...

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors...

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Kevin stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a fi...

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched....

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched.

One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the ho...

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

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A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

3 Secret Service agents are on their final day of training

They’re led into a darkened room. The commanding officer has them facing the opposite way of him. He walks up to the first potential agent from behind and speaks to his ear; loudly enough so all 3 can hear, but in a smooth, calculated tone, almost whispering:

“You’ve passed every test up to ...

Once upon a time there was a girl,

this girl had the ability to heal others any other living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came into her door and out of the kindness of her heart she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her while he girl outstretched her hand to shake it, as was customary. But alas the demon fle...

The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So t...

Why did the blonde go to church?

She heard there was a guy hung like this!!
(Arms outstretched like Jesus on the cross)

A man walks through the African wild lands and sees an elephant in distress.

He goes close to it but slowly, knowing that they can become enraged very quickly. Upon closing in on it, the elephant stops trumpeting and looks at the man. There was a minute of intense staring between the two, the man noticed an obvious mark on one of its tusks like a tiny dark grey diamond. Slow...

Military joke

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the...

An Australian Man is Painting his House Blue...

As he works, his wife brings his newborn child outside and asks if he would like to hold the baby.

"Of course!" he says, as he takes his gloves off. He reaches out and takes the child.

After playing with the baby for a minute, he begins to hand the kid back to his wife but trips on his...

I went into the bank earlier to check my balance

Got some funny looks standing on one leg with my arms outstretched

Why the chicken cross the road?

It all started when his family was experiencing financial troubles, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, but they just didn't quite work out.


After ending up in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he was shot, landing him in the hospital. The night ...

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A woman is in bed with a man she shouldn't be with

Her husband is away on a business trip. Suddenly she hears the sound of the front door opening, her husband is back earlier than she expected.

"Quick! Hide in the bathroom!", she says to the man in her bed, he scampers off quickly.

The husband walks into the bedroom and sees his wife ...

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air.

He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building.
On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up ...

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The Aristocrats return to the talent agency...(OC)

The agent says, "Holy fuck, not you asshats again." The father shakes his head, "No, no. It's a totally different show. I swear, this one is going to be really big." The agent has a slow day, so he waves his hand for them to continue.

The father looks at his son, "Ok, Bernard..." and the son...

So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...

In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive.
Anyway, the first man goes and says...

So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, ...

Pearly Gates Duty

It was time for St Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteered to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.

"It's no big deal," St Peter explained. "Just sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then, send them to housekeeping to pick up their...

God will save me!

A priest was on a cruise ship when the ship began to sink quite suddenly. Being a man who puts others before himself, he finds the smallest piece of driftwood that would support his weight, grabs hold of it and floats in the middle of the ocean. 15 minutes go by and along comes a rubber dinghy, almo...

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So a man is sitting on a plane...

And he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in the aisle. He gets excited as he realizes she is coming to sit down in the seat beside him.
The most beautiful woman he's ever seen is coming to sit down beside him!
Once the woman sits they wait in silence for a moment before beginnin...

Paddy and Micky in a bar..

Paddy is a hunchback. Micky walks with a limp. They both have too much to drink and are discussing how their wives are going to kill them for going home late.

"I know a shortcut home through the graveyard!" declares Paddy.

"No way!" says Micky, "I've heard strange stories about that gr...

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A journalist in the middle east is sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus.

A journalist in the middle east is sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus. On the other end of the bench sits an old man, who is holding the reins of a camel which stands next to him. The journalist, feeling impatient, glances at his watch only to find that it has stopped working. Turning to the old ...

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During the Obama administration... (long)

During the Obama administration there were a few military cutbacks. As a result, several top generals were asked to retire. All of these men were very well respected and so (in addition to their generous pensions) they were given a bonus check.

Due to a bizarre technicality in the letter of t...

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