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Earthling Jokes

Alien1: So how did the earthlings die?

Alien2: They had so much toilet paper they wiped themselves out!

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

Why did the Earthling find the Mercurian so annoying?

They were sick of listening to them complain about first world problems

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People from earth are called Earthlings.

People from Mars are called Martians.

People from Uranus are called Assholes.

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The Martians and the Earthlings

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met for the first time and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?", asked one of the Earthlings.

"Pretty much the way you do", responded one of the Martians.

D...

When the Martians made a movie about Earth, they came back for more Earthlings.

Apparently, they needed some extra terrestrials.

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.

The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness.

The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle.

A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mu...

Worst/Best joke I've heard.

An alien is flying over the earth in his spaceship when it suddenly starts to lose control and crashes on Earth. The alien survives the crash with minimal injuries and gets to work repairing his ship.

After a few days of work he completes everything only to find the gormack has been damaged a...

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Martian Babies

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things.

Finally, they get around to the subject of where babies come from.
"Just how do you guys do it?" ask the Earthlings.

“We’ll show you”, the Martians say.

Each Martian holds out two fin...

Not mine. Feel free to remove if it's a repost.

Year 2030.
Aliens invade the Earth.
\- Take a look! It seems that all earthlings died from some kind of virus?
\- Yes, that's true, but look how clean their asses are!

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A girl with a nasal voice walks into a speech therapist's office to get herself "cured."

After going through the therapy, she starts getting hit on by guys who earlier bullied her. She starts having positive thoughts and dreams again. One day she dreams of having sex with her hot Biology teacher. The next day she stays in for office hours and ends up fucking him.

She starts getti...

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The day I met ET. I was minding my own business waiting for the bus when this weirdo sits next to me and pokes me on the shoulder.

"Stop it, will you!" I said. He does it again and I was about to slap the silly grin of his face, but he raised his hand and said there was no need for violence, he was a stranger from a different planet and came to study earthlings.

"Prove it" I said, and he opens his jacket and there are gi...

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One night, the stars had rearranged in the sky

to say "Hello!" The people of Earth were in awe and could not believe their eyes. They all collaborated by turning some lights off and keeping some on. When arranged it said "Welcome. We come in peace" The next night the stars began rearranging again. When finished, they read "Go fuck yourselves ear...

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[NSFW] A married couple was walking down the street..

A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them.

A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."

So they talked f...

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Aliens abduct a businessman, a scientist and a miner.

"So here's the thing, after achieving everything we could on our home planet we grew bored and now we travel galaxy and ask stupid questions. Here is yours -- what is the biggest number you can possibly think of? If answer amuses us, we grant you immortality, if not, we zap you with this death ray r...

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