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Lock Down Jokes

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Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...

trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

Because of lock down my hair has never been longer

But it is really starting to grow on me

If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're.

Their, I finally said it.

Dating is much easier since the lock down started.

Zero effort.

The COVID-19 lock down has gone on for FAR too long...

It has lasted for one Tool song.

Now that New York's in lock down, what will the Wall Street traders be doing?

Insider trading.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have noticed one thing during this lock down and I am getting rid of Google and Wikipedia.

My wife knows fucking everything.

Why did Donald Trump lock down the White House when the Easter Bunny was escaping?

because his hare is almost gone.

I've not been laid all year!

With all the lock downs and social distancing this has nothing to do with it being Jan 1st..

Digging a hole in the garden.

Lock down has had some highs and lows. For instance, I've had a bit more time to spend in the garden while the weather was fine.
I was digging a hole one day and couldn't believe it when I found a large number of what I think are roman coins. I was so excited that I ran back into the house to te...

California on lockdown

California has decided to lock down its cities. Many queued to get the Covid-19 test. After queuing for hours, one guy told the person next to him and said “I can’t take it anymore, I am going to kill Trump, please save the queue space for me”.
After a few hours, he came back to his queued space....

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Updating a classic for modern times [long]

When the news of covid hit Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me."


Well when lock downs started Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me". And she continued to see her friends, and be rude to restaurant staff when she got take out and show up to places tha...

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He'll never make it

Ireland on lock down due to the virus!! Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army. They are given a rifle each and told...‘ Martial law has been declared! Anyone caught out after 6 pm it's SHOOT TO KILL!!!
On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds...

Talking over the fence

My wife Julie was talking over the garden fence to our neighbor Betty.

"Hi Betty, how are things, how are you finding all this lock down stuff?"

"It's OK, bit strange having Jim around the house so much."

"I can imagine, I saw him coming home this morning from the store, he had ...

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