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High Heel Jokes

Yo mama's so fat

she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops

What do you call a cow in high heels and tiara?

Dairy Queen

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My brother asked me if I'd ever have sex with a woman in high heels.

"Probably not," I said, "because my balance isn't very good."

The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the senator wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

My wife said I should get high heels for her birthday.

I'm getting some weird looks as I walk down the street.

Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly underwear

But the chief inspector said they must wear their normal uniforms.

What kind of shoes commonly fail drug tests?

High heels

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Two men at an airport

First man says, "I can't find my wife."

Second man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?"

First man " Six foot tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?"

Second man says, "Fuck her, we'll look for yours."

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

How do you know the high heel was invented by men?

Who else invents things?

I went out to a party in my mom's high heels

My friends thought I had mommy-ish shoes

My wife said she'd fulfil any fantasy of mine.

"What about a nice mini skirt, some high heels and a tight red bra?" I asked.

She spread herself on the bed and said, "Of course, baby."

I said, "Excellent. Wait here, I'll just go and get changed."

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Aman comes home from work and his wife greats him at the door wearing a sexy French maid outfit.

He smiles as he is looking her up and down. High heels and fishnet stockings. Then he says “Thanks for cleaning the house today honey.”

What would you rather be stamped on by a herd of elephants or an angry woman in high heels...

At least the elephants you could reason with

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I was woken late last night about 3am

By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, ‘fuck off dave, I’ve got work in the morning’.

I was stumbling my way back to my airbnb near Anchorage, Alaska at 2 am and got a little lost.

I came to a graveyard and realized where I was staying was just on the other side, so I figured I'd just cut through. As I approached the graveyard I came across 3 young ladys, nicely dressed and in high heels. They were also looking to also cross the graveyard and seemed to have a fun night out the...

What do you call a stoned wrestler?

A high Heel.

Wife told her husband

A man’s wife comes up to him and tells him, “Take off my shirt.” So he does.

She then tells him, “Take off my skirt and high heels.” So he does.

Then she tells him, “Take off my bra and underwear.” So he does.

Finally she tells him, “I better never find you wearing my clothes ag...

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

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A salesman was making the rounds in a neighborhood...

He knocked on a door, and after a while a teenage boy answered wearing a bra and panties, high heels and makeup.

The salesman said, "ahem, um, son are your parents home?"

The boy said, "What the fuck do you think?"

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A travelling salesman knocks on a door...

And a ten year old boy answers the door wearing high heels, and a brown bra, smoking a cigar, and drinking scotch.

The salesman says, "woah. Hey, little fella'. Are you parents home?"

The boy answers, "what the fuck do you think?"

Women and seduction: how (not) to

Three friends meet and start chatting about their love life. The first woman has a lover, the second one is engaged and the third one is married. They agree to try a new seduction tecnique with their men so everyone, that night, is going to wear a lether black corset, 6 inches high heels and a mask ...

I got a text from my wife saying "Grandma is keeping the baby tonight, you wanna smash as soon as you get home?"

Never before have I been disappointed to come home and find my wife naked and wearing high heels.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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Two strangers bump into each other

The one guy says to the other guy: "Oh sorry dude, I'm in a hurry since I lost my girlfriend in this huge supermarket."

"That's no problem man," says the other guy. "But I can't find my girlfriend neither!"

"Oh really? How does she look like?" asks the one guy.

The other guy say...

I spend two years a broad

I still have no idea how to walk in high heels

A friend asked if I'd like to go drag racing,

I had to politely decline.

I can't even walk, never mind run in high heels

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God gave the woman...

God gave the woman beautiful eyebrows
She didn't like this, so she removed them and drew her own



God gave the woman pretty nails
She disliked this, so she cut them and put artificial ones



God gave the woman a pretty face
She hated it, so she put makeup on...

The lady next door came by and said,"Tom."

So I said,"yes"
She said,"I want you to take off my dress"
I said,"ok"
"Then I want you to take off my bra,"she continued.
"Yeah!"
"Then I want you to take off my panties and high heels"
"O.k."
"AND GIVE THEM BACK TO ME ME YOU PERVERTED,USELESS,THIEF!!!"

Starting the day in London

Two friends from London on the phone:

Guy 1: Hey mate, what's up?

Guy 2: Not much. I am smelling one chicks hair whilst another one is walking all over me in her high heels.

Guy 1: Oh I see, call me when you get off the underground.

A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early

When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and panties."
"Yes, mada...

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she gently steps with her high heels on the bar stool and plops herself on the bar top, crosses her legs, and seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently care...

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A salesman...

A salesman goes up to a house and rings the doorbell. A little boy answers the door wearing his mothers high heels, his fathers tie and fedora, and holding a glass of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other. The salesman says "Hey there little guy. Are your parents home?" The kid looks up at the sale...

A woman went to a shoe shop...

And took her son with her.

She chose a high heel, but her son cried telling her to choose a regular one.

The shopkeeper told him: "Stop whining, your mom is going to wear it, not you."

But the child said: "That's true, but my mom is beating ME with it, not you."

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A recently divorced man...

A recently divorced man, feeling a bit down in the dumps, heads to his local bar. After about 15 minutes, a beautiful woman sits down next to him and strikes up a conversation. They’re getting along great, talking away, when the woman confides to him that her husband divorced her because he thought ...

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Guy meets a girl in a strip bar

The drinks flow and talk soon turns to sex. The girl explains how she only enjoys kinky sex, the kinkier the better and she doubts there is a man alive that is kinkier than her. The man accepts the challenge and they go back to her place.
 
The girl invites the guy to make himself at...

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A woman meets a man at a bar, and they talk, and conversation turns to sex, and she says that she likes kinky sex.[NSFW]

"Oh!, I like kinky sex too", says he. So they decide to go to her flat and have sex. They arrive at her flat and she asks to be excused. She goes to her room and dresses up in black leather, high heels, all the set. She chooses a whip, several accessories, and returns to the living room, where she f...

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My girlfriends hot sister

A man who was very close to proposing to his girlfriend was on his way from work when he received a phone call from his girlfriend.
“Hey honey can you please meet at my sisters place for dinner tonight”?

The man agreed and drove over to his girlfriends sisters house. Now this wasn’t out o...

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The Lion Tamers

A ringmaster needed to hire a new lion tamer for his circus after the previous one was killed, so he put an add in the paper.

Two lion tamers arrive for the interview, a man and a woman. The ringmaster tells them, "This lion is very dangerous. He has killed my last three lion tamers so I nee...

The assistant pastor and Tootie Greene.

Recently, a new assistant pastor was hired for the local church. The head pastor told him on his first week to go down to the homeless shelter and work with the less fortunate. So the assistant pastor went down to the shelter with soup and bread. After feeding the people he gave a sermon. Most of th...

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Hooker wife...

A young couple are up against it financially so they agree to have the wife hustle on the streets to raise some cash.

Friday night, the husband drives his beautiful wife to the red light district and coaches her one last time:

"OK, again- I'm going to be right here. Anything you nee...

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