UPJOKE
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Two good old boys are out fishing, when a cruise boat with beautiful women appears.

Seeing the beautiful women, all in bikinis, one of them asks, “what should we do?” The others thinks upon it for a bit until he has an idea.

“Hey,” he says, “show them gals your nuts”

“Really?” asks his freind.

“Really” his freind responds.

At which point the buddy g...

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Good old Stalin.

So Stalin wakes up one morning and goes to his balcony, where the Sun is rising in the east.

"Good morning, comrade Sun!" he calls out.

"Good morning, comrade Stalin!" the Sun replies, "I hope you slept well."

At noon, Stalin goes for a walk, he looks up at the Sun and says, "go...

Good old Bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.Perfect timing,the cabby said. You're just like Bill. Who? Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right, the cabby said. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It woul...

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Good old Johnny Boy

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”...

A police officer pulls over a woman for speeding... (good old #4032)

...And they have the following exchange?

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I stole this car.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my ...

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

I remember the good old days when you could raid the fridge in the middle of the night…

…and it wouldn’t tell on you

The Good Old Days

> You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

- Emo Philips

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Good old Grandpa

"You kids today," says a college student's grandpa. "All you do is stay in the house all day and play video games. When I was your age, my buddies and I went to Paris, and went to the Moulin Rouge. We fucked some of the dancers right on stage, went behind the bar, robbed the register, and stayed the...

Click here for a good old fashioned vampire joke.

Ha ha ha. You sucker.

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my grandpa tells us about his good old days in Hong Kong

He said, "when I was your age, I can go into the groceries with 10 dollars, and come out with 2 loaves of bread, 2 dozen of eggs, 2 kilos of potatoes, maybe a few cans of soda, plus handful of candies and probably some beef jerky."

We were like, "omg!!! That's a lot!! 10 dollars now can only ...

Good old #162, the Frog Joke

Patricia Whack, a bank teller, was having an unusual day: a frog had appeared in front of her teller and asked in perfectly elocuted English, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to obtain some credits from your establishment, on consideration of this blue marble elephant as collateral."

Ms. Whack knew immed...

Good old days

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why d...

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Good old number 367

Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die. So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose. When I g...

Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu...

The Good Old Days [long]

There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!”


Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the...

Time for a good old Soviet era joke

(should be read in a heavy Russian accent, any grammatical errors are here to enhance the joke)

Old granny working for years already in factory who make Samovar. But old granny only is normal worker not member of nomenclatura so never earn enough money to also buy Samovar herself. Old granny ...

I miss the good old times...

when I wassn't alive.

Good old Irish Granny....

Solicitors should never ask a County Offaly granny a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial in Tullamore recently a small-town prosecuting solicitor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Murphy, do you know m...

Let us all take a moment and remember those good old days.

When stepping outside the home wasn't considered a criminal offence.

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Good old Newfies. Newfoundland, Canada declares war on the U.S.A.

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Arc...

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A grandad remembers the good old days

When I was a boy, my mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I'd come back with 2 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a large chunk of cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that nowadays.

Too many fucking security cameras.

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Good old grandpa!

Grandpa: gatherer around little ones! I am going to tell you a story of my youth!

Kids: yaayy grandpa!! tell us, tell us!!

Grandpa: When I was young I used to be an explorer and a hunter!

Kids: Wooowww really grandpa?

Grandpa: yes yes.. this one time I was in the Amazo...

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I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security.

Or to hide a blowjob from his wife.

A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that?
There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later.
He sees the wife and asks wher...

2 old men with alzheimer's are chatting about the good old day's

The one askes the other

'What's the name of the game reserve we use to go to every summer?'

The other guy thinks for a minute before he turns to his wife and asks...

'Honey, what do you call the red flower with the thorns on the stem?'

'A rose' she replys

He then a...

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

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A good old Dubya joke

Why does Larua always have to be on top when she and Dubya have sex?
Becuase all he can do is fuck up.

(Can we bring back the good old Chuck Norris short jokes people?-I'll start first)

Chuck Norris is the first guy to have made a knot out of a diamond.

[Long] boudreaux and thibodeaux were a pair of good old country boys.

Boudreaux grew up to be a baptist pastor and thibodeaux became a catholic priest. These good friends even had their churches right across the street from each other.

Well one day boudreaux was putting a sign in his church yard and that thibodeaux was putting up the exact same one. The both s...

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Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

I still remember the good old days in America,

When it was “Hands up OR I’LL shoot!”

All the screaming kids at work today, really made me miss the good old days.

Back when they would work a 9-5 down at the local iron mill.

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So an old British gentlemen visits Ireland and remembers the good old days when he was posted there..

* He orders tea from a roadside cafe and sees a young irish guy sticking his finger in the cup while he brings him the tea.
* He takes the tea and while sipping it talks to the boy.. when will you bloody learn some manners , this is not how you hold a cup of tea.
* Young boy: Sorry sir, i hurt...

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My grandfather told me he closed one eye whenever he saw a jew in the good old days...

He was a sniper

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

I’ll never join one of those online dating services because I prefer to meet someone the good old-fashioned way...

Through alcohol and poor judgement...

I have a joke about a pirate lady who got hit in the chest by a cannonball and needed some good old-fashioned pirate surgery

But it would be funnier with a punchline, wooden tit?

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" an...

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A good old boy from Mississippi gets accepted to Yale. On the first day on campus, he stops a student and asks "Where is the library at?"

The students seems non-plussed, and says with condescension, "At Yale, sir, we don't end questions with a preposition."

Unfazed, the good old boy says, "Ok, so where's the library at, ASSHOLE?"

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